thanks for reading people, i appreciate it.
Issue: 15
Scrab Shooters are FAULTY!
All Scrab Shooters are being recalled to Vykkers Labs due to a major fault in the mass produced weapon. The rifling inside the barrel of the rifle is not established enough, and more importantly, the gun mechanism does not allow enough force to be applied to the ammunition once loaded.
As a side note, the ammunition itself, which counts for a percentage of the trajectory power, is too feeble to cause enough damage to the scrab, merely causing a flesh wound.
We at SLIG'S WEIRD! were approached by a severely disabled slig (in a wheelchair) and his assistant mudokon, who was hired by the injured slig after his incident to help him with the simplest of tasks.
His name is Gollo, and he wasnt about to be bullied by the corporate giant Vykkers Labs into remaining anonymous. He told us this;
REPORTER: "When you feel ready, tell us your story."
(sighs). "Well, I used to work at this little logging camp, and I'd just finished my day shift. I clocked out, grabbed my new Scrab Shooter from the bunker and went out into the woods with a few friends for a bit of scrab hunting. We used to stick to paramites before, because we didnt trust our standard rifles enough to put down a fully grown bull scrab.
"Anyway, I was the only one with this Scrab Shooter seeing as I had bought it with my own moolah, which, may I add, I had saved up for for the last three months once I had heard of the new weapon.
"We went deep into the wood, and I mean deep. Deeper than usual, well you have to if your looking for paramites or scrabs. We spotted our first intended victim; a lone scrab. I loaded up my Scrab Shooter - I never load it before I see game, its a luck thing ever since I killed my first paramite using the same method - and shot at the beast.
"There was a tremondous shreak, and I mean so loud it made your chest vibrate, and then the scrab roared. I was terrified, and most importantly, I was wondering why the hell this creature was still standing after a short range shot into the back with a Scrab Shooter.
"I fired another shot, but this time it spotted us. My friends fired - well, it must have been over a dozen - shots into this thing, but it just made it go into a frenzy! We ran for it, and I know what all those poachers and expert scrab hunters are gonna be thinking right now; you never turn your back on a scrab, seeing as they can run a hell of a lot faster than you. But I'd like to see them stand up to a charging scrab with nothing but standard rifles and a bloody broken Scrab Shooter.
"It ran straight into me, and I immediately lost all feeling from my neck down. One sight that disturbed me as I lay on the floor while my friends fleed was seeing my own metal legs in front of my face. The beast had hit me so hard my back had snapped and caused my legs to hang over my face as I landed on the ground.
"The bastard thing killed two of my pals, but the third was lucky enough to find time to hide while the scrab had its way with my dead friends. I couldnt move, literally, and thank everything that is Odd that the scrab didnt come to me for dessert.
"Eventually it wandered off and my surviving buddy came out from a hedge and carried me on his shoulder all the way back to the logging camp. I was given a heavy sedative once there, i dont know why because I told them I couldnt feel any pain, and I woke up on a bed in some Vykker-run clinic. They said I was lucky to be alive and that due to my spinal injury, i would never be suited to wearing pants again, without falling over, hence the wheelchair.
REPORTER: " Do you wish to give a message to Vykkers Labs?"
"Yeah. Next time take the time to PERFECT your merchandise instead of just throwing them out there and hoping for the best, only modifying them once an incident comes to your attention. Bastards. Thanks to them I'm stuck in this blasted chair for the rest of my life. I have sworn never to use bodge-job Vykker products ever again. They are responsible for what I am now.
REPORTER: "Have you considered taking legal action against them?"
"Legal action? Are you kidding me?! This is Vykkers Labs! They'll just sweep me under the carpet and I would probably end up having to pay them if I gave their bent chronicler law suits a chance in court. They'll brew up some legal mumbo-jumbo and I would end up worse off.
REPORTER: "Ok, thank you for your time."
I strongly advise anyone who has a Scrab Shooter to send it back to Vykker Labs for correction, otherwise it is dangerous (to you) and obsolete. Vykkers Labs claim this will be free of charge.
MAG: Too bloody right!
Vykkers Labs;
0182 723 221
(1 moolah per min).
-ADVERT-
THE GOLDEN GUN!
EXCLUSIVE FROM THE WEAPON STOREROOM IN SLIG BARRACKS.
The new, and improved, Golden Gun that gives that extra kick without kicking like an elum.
More than sufficient power, spot on sights, brilliant range, and incredible stopping power.
For use as a sniper rifle, with scope attachment, and semi-automatic setting.
Or use as a close quarters sub machine gun, with automatic setting.
2850 moolah.
CALL:
0182 732 739
(2 moolah per min).
MAG: A more reliable company.
-ADVERT FINISH-
M.O.M – News you cannot refuse – By the Scrabtrapman
ISSUE8: OUTPOST GOES OFFLINE
The outpost near the drop pod has lost connection with Dripik’s slig barracks, a possible confrontation arose when the sligs went in to scout the wreckage, the large pole that was erected in the forest was interfering with local telecommunications and appears to be beaming an unidentifiable message out to one of Oddworlds undiscovered distant moons, the threat level has been risen from 10 to 7, possible threat in a localized area, is M.O.M worried, no, no not really, oh and Dripik sent us a tapper just to make sure, “I do promise that er, the big pointy thing in the trees is going to be destroyed and the er things will be er taken away, the Vykker’s asked me for a specimen so I’ll give them one so long as they give me a few er vouchers? No, I mean money, er moolah.
Our sub story today is about the uprisings, today a mass execution was to be held but, after a small number of kills, an ambush was thrown, sligs returned rapid fire at the mudokon freedom fighters but the elusive terrorists hit and run tactics were superior, Dripik says “I swear, I was outnumbered”! Aslik says “Bumbling idiot”! M.O.M says, go Aslik.
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MAD BUT TRUE ANIMALS!
1.) Hello SLIG'S WEIRD! I am a slurg farmer and had this bizarre incident happen to me. One of my slurgs had crawled out of the pen, and into the blender. I didnt notice and added some fruit, and then turned the blender on. I drank it and it was delicious! I only noticed afterwards when i saw the trail leading to the blender. So if anyone is wondering, raw slurg with fruit is top notch!
MAG: Ok, I dont know what to make of this. Either its a tall tale or a socially disturbed individual's escapade.
-ADVERT-
Magog prison break out: reward offered
Five inmates have escaped from the Magog prison last night. the escaped fugitives are still being identified, so far it has been confirmed that a Wovlark, two Outlaws, an intern, and a pants less Slig. If you have any information on the escaped convicts, please contact your local slig barracks or the Magog prison. The warden is offering 100,000 Moolah per head.
They are wanted DEAD OR ALIVE. Also note that these criminals are extremely dangerous and will most likely use deadly force. These prisoners were last seen running from the prison, but guards were unable to respond. Remember if you have any information on this break out or the whereabouts of these fugitives, please contact the proper authorities.
-ADVERT FINISH-
Words With Kroloff
YES! Its time to hear our sergeant Kroloff’s words of wisdom, expert in weapons, combat and hunting, with over 16 years experience, and currently stationed at a small slig outpost in Scrabania. But he still has time to answer your questions!
Anonymous: Should I ever give up smoking?
Kroloff: What are you? A wuss or something? Personally, I wont ever give up smoking those Lungbusters, they help me relax and is one of the few things that help a slig relax that is actually allowed by sligs on duty (Chill Pill, alcohol, and illicit drugs are not allowed on duty, as all you Magog law abiding sligs will know).
I would go as far as to say they are more like a sligs best friend than a faithful slog, seeing as they fit in your pocket, you dont have to clean up after them and they dont bark at your boss.
Dont do it! Be part of the minority! Dedicate your life to eventually becoming a statistic!
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RUBBISH JOKES!
1.) What do you call a headless scrab?
A: A scab!
By: Willen
2.) What cororation is the biggest fool for believing mudokons made-up stories?
A: The D.F.W. League!
By: Crunch
3.) Whats the easiest creature to tongue-tie?
A: A fleech!
By: fith
THIS ISSUES WINNER IS: Crunch with that controversial joke...as always. Well done mate, 50 moolah is yours.
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COMMERCIAL & PERSONAL AD'S
> Odderbelly, Come and hear our new musical festival! Takes place at midnight in the Red Light Factory. Free booze!
TEL: 0182 659 777
MAG: Free booze? See you there!
> 1 barrel of oil for sale, 25 moolah. About 50 kilos.
TEL: 0182 622 122
> Batch of Chill Pill animal seditive darts for 35 moolah. Small ranch closing down so no need for them anymore. If you prick yourself with them they will have the same effect as a Chill Pill, so you can still use them like that if you want.
TEL: 0182 323 355 and ask for Doil.
SLIG'S WEIRD! magazine staff:
Writers: Stevix
Editor: Rozzle
Reporters: CANNOT BE NAMED
Receptionist: Coth
Chief coffee maker: Roldy
Magog Cartel law specialiser: Chronicler Sphenixson
Slig security: Font
Len
Disue
Vilt
Hond
Owner: Stevix
"No news is good news. I'm afraid I cannot believe in this motto in my position." - Stevix.
If you wish to have anything published (jokes, interveiws, complaints, birthday wishes, information, etc), then PM mollucks assistant and he will personally make sure it is included in the next issue of SLIG'S WEIRD!
Thanks for reading!
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credit goes to mr.odd for the 'prison breakout' ad, also to Scrabtrapman for providing the M.O.M. News article, and also to AlexFili for the 'Odderbelly' ad and the Words With Kroloff question.
thank you all! remember to PM me any idea's you may have for future issues!
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