thanks people. i will eventualy use Splat's idea, but not quite yet. probably when i near the end of this magazine's life.
Issue: 14
THE D.F.W. LEAGUE FIND THEIR FIRST CASE
The D.F.W. League have sent out a message to anyone who will listen about their little piece of information which stains Bonewerkz hard working reputation.
The information, that they received from a mudokon (and actually believed), is as follows;
MUDOKON SURVIVES SICK SIDESHOW
Sloggies at Bonewerkz are being trained to attack and kill mudokons in a secretly made theatre. Bonewerkz are throwing mudokons who they think are not working hard enough into the grounds where they are ripped apart by ultra vicious slogs and sloggies, for the entertainment of sligs and glukkons watching!
Raxe, the only mudokon known to survive such an ordeal, came to us, the D.F.W. League, and told his story.
"It was horrible! There were a few other mudokons and we were in lines in a sort of crapt shed. The doors were shut and locked from the outside and there was a slit in the side of the shed from which I could see the crowd of sligs and glukkons cheering.
"The ringmaster was shouting something to the crowd but I was too scared to listen. As soon as the sligs opened the doors a slog, one of many, pounced onto the mudokon in front of me, and ripped the skin from his face! Three sloggies jumped onto me and I could hear the crowd jeering and laughing!
"The sloggies were chewing on my arm and the pain was incredible, i tried to get them off but a slog ran at me full pelt and knocked me on my back. That was it then. I dont know how many slogs and sloggies were on me but all i could feel was teeth ripping away my flesh and crushing my bones!
"I could hear screams from the other mudokons but at that point I didnt care about them, all I wanted to do was get these bloodthirsty animals off me and get out of there! Well, I managed to throw one slog off my head and kecked another slog in te muzzle.
"I got up and nearly fell over again when my leg almost gave way. I knew I must have broken something in it but i couldnt see much, blood was getting into my eyes from the wound on my forehead. I wiped it off and saw the other mudokons fighting for their lives.
"I almost threw up in blind panic when i saw a mudokon dead on the ground, slogs chewing through his stomach and dragging out his intestines. I limped out of there as fast as I could, through the open tent entrance and out into Bonewerkz storage section, I think I didnt get shot because the slig guards were too busy watching the spetacle.
"I snuck onboard the next train which was destined for Soulstorm Mining Co and I jumped out just outside of it. I almost broke my ribs doing it! I wandered around the desert and amazingly found Necrum. The the D.F.W. League found me and nursed me back to health."
Believe what you will, personally i dont believe a word of it. Just how could he have escaped without being shot? Slig guards are more wary than this mudokon made out.
MAG: They're gonna milk this for all its worth.
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M.O.M – News you cannot refuse – By the Scrabtrapman
ISSUE7: UPRISINGS ARE RESTED
The uprisings on the outer rim have been mopped up today, over 800 mudokons have been captured though many fled there are around 1200 accounted deaths, this is the largest mudokon uprising in the history of industrialism, Dripik said, “I obviously new that those duh, mudokons would get there duh juice, we are going to shoot every single one of the captured mudokons and hang them up for display in Molluck’s free fire zone”! M.O.M says, juice, that tard has finally lost it.
In a sub story the drop pods that were seen have been found deep in the forest, a small camp had been set up, a few huts made from wax and a range, the owners were nowhere to be seen, the technology of the camp is almost primitive besides one strange long spire that protrudes the tree canopy, it had four red lights on top and appears to be beaming waves out to space that are increasing in intensity by the hour, outpost slig leader Dycort gave us this tapper message, “I think its best if we watch this closely I haven’t been given any outstanding orders to destroy the place so I won’t, yet”!
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MAD BUT TRUE ANIMALS!
1.) This isnt really an amazing animal feat, but its still to do with animals. I had just purchased a paramite pie and decided to tuck into it at dinner break, when i bit into something tough. i looked at it and there was a bloody paramite finger sticking out of the inside! claw and everything!
MAG: Disgusting.
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INTERVIEW TIME!
This issue we interview the warden of a notorious mixed prison.
Interviewer: Hello, and thanks for giving the go ahead for this interview. What's the name of the prison you run again?
Warden: The Magog prison, and please, the pleasure is all mine.
I: Now, first thing, what are the pressures of running a mixed prison?
Warden: Well I must say there is a lot of fights due to racial differences, but I assure you we are on top of the situation.
I: Is there much paperwork?
Warden: My assistant takes care of most the documents sent here, but I do my fair share and yes we sometimes get mountains of paperwork.
I: I'm sure our readers would be interested in the amount of pay you receive, if you would like tell us?
Warden: i rather not.
I: Is there much of a risk factor running a prison like yours?
Warden: Definitely, we get a lot of outlaws and Bro sligs here so you can imagine.
I: Has your life ever been in peril doing this job?
Warden: Once, lets just say i was at the wrong place at the wrong time.
I: Are your prison guards competent?
Warden: I would like to think so, but I've been in situations where I had to do they're job.
I: Do you interact personally with the inmates you receive at all?
Warden: Ever heard of a prison snitch? Other than that no.
I: Do you, or have you ever, organised any games in the prison, like sports?
Warden: Trust me, more "accidents" would happen if i did that.
I: Do you enjoy your work?
Warden: I do, but sometimes your faced with difficult decisions that your not proud of.
I: And finally, do you have any advice to wannabe prison wardens?
Warden: Keep a gun with you at all times.
I: Thank you very much, you've been most cooperative.
Warden: It's been an honor.
(Shake hands).
MAG: A very interesting character. I wouldnt be able to do his job.
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-ADVERT FINISH-
Words With Kroloff
YES! Its time to hear our sergeant Kroloff’s words of wisdom, expert in weapons, combat and hunting, with over 16 years experience, and currently stationed at a small slig outpost in Scrabania. But he still has time to answer your questions!
Anonymous: Do scrabs make good pets? I was wondering because someone said they could get one cheap for me.
Kroloff: Whoa there! No way are scrabs good pets! They eat prey bigger then you everyday in the wild, and they'll just see you as a walking snack. And i assume that the 'pet' would have been industrialised, seeing as you said someone could buy one cheap and not capture one, which only makes them more vicious.
all in all, no. Unless you have a death wish. Stick to shooting them with a Scrab Shooter.
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RUBBISH JOKES!
1.) Why should you never pull a sligs tail?
A: Because they dont like being fooled!
By: Dost
2.) What do you call a happy mudokon?
A: A laughing gas addict!
By: Sworn
3.) What do you call an angry, wound up, ready-to-explode glukkon?
A: Director Phleg!
By: Ghunn
THIS ISSUES WINNER IS: Ghunn, naughty naughty! 50 moolah is yours!
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COMMERCIAL & PERSONAL AD'S
> Ex-meech butcher, needs work desperately. Anything will do.
TEL: 0182 722 122
> 45 acres up for grabs south of Rupture Farms Free-fire zone, 2500 moolah. Bit swampy but can be drained for building. Call 0182 309 846 and ask for manager dusken.
> DA SLIGGY CODE: Can you help me? My friend wrote down this message, but it's encrypted in some kind of gibberish that I don't understand. If you're good with books and that kind of thing, come and help me sort this out. I'll pay you 150 moolah if you can decipher the message! Write to; Posituri Lab Barracks, 55th Bunk, West Wing.
SLIG'S WEIRD! magazine staff:
Writers: Stevix
Editor: Rozzle
Reporters: CANNOT BE NAMED
Receptionist: Coth
Chief coffee maker: Roldy
Magog Cartel law specialiser: Chronicler Sphenixson
Slig security: Font
Len
Disue
Vilt
Hond
Owner: Stevix
"No news is good news. I'm afraid I cannot believe in this motto in my position." - Stevix.
If you wish to have anything published (jokes, interveiws, complaints, birthday wishes, information, etc), then PM mollucks assistant and he will personally make sure it is included in the next issue of SLIG'S WEIRD!
Thanks for reading!
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credit to mr.odd for the interview, Scrabtrapman for the M.O.M. News info, and to AlexFili for the 'SLIGGY CODE' ad.
thanks!
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