good work Oddey, accurate picture of Kroloff as well, i pictured him with an old fashioned visor.
Issue: 5
MUDOKON MADNESS!
Mudokons, that Vykkers Labs have now labelled terrorists, have struck a blow to Soulstorm Brewery. A cargo ship owned to Shipping & Co carrying 200 tons of Soulstorm Brew was taken over by mudokons who assassinated the captain and killed the rest of the crew.
The mudokons, not knowing how to sail a ship, soon crashed into razor sharp rocks on the east coast of Mudos. The ship sunk along with the 200 tons of Soulstorm Brew and the renegade mudokons cannot be found, presumed dead. Brewmaster had this to say;
"I am absolutely outraged with this Shipping & Co! They kept saying 'Sorry we cant deliver it at the moment', and when they finally attempt to deliver it to the thirsty inhabitants of the far north coast of Mudos, its been flipping taken over by stupid annoying bloody mudokons who cant even sail! And crashed!!"
As far as they can tell, Vykkers Labs think the mudokons were already members of the crew, and after trawling through Shipping & Co crew records, believe the mudokon ringleaders to be; Nille, Kail and Rak.
Vykkers Labs are making no further enquiries and are notably happy that these mudokons have met their presumed end. Here is what a chief Vykkers Labs scientist had to say;
"We're pretty glad that these mudokons are dead, and hope this is set as an example to all other mudokons who think they can get the better of industrialists."
REPORTER: "But you could say the mudokons did get the better of industrialists seeing as they managed to take over the ship and sink it in return for their lives?"
"Well are they here now celebrating their victory? I dont think so. The mudokon ringleaders were notorious, indeed, but they lacked the knowledge. The brains."
REPORTER: "And what do you say to those people that think these mudokon terrorists are still alive?"
"I say pah! Scrabsh*t! If they're still alive I'll eat my own surgery gown!"
We also interviewed the owner of Shipping & Co, and he made these comments;
"I'm devastated! Do you know how much a massive freighter costs to build? More than you make in a lifetime! If the Vykkers are right and the three mudokons that begun this mutiny were in fact already members of the crew, we will have to keep even stricter rules and regulations on these muds that work with Shiping & Co. The muds have just made it worse for themselves. Stricter monitoring, tougher punishments. Also, i need to state that there may be some delays to cargo collection and delivery due to this catastrophe. We apolagise for any inconvenience caused. Make sure you print that."
To arrange a collection/delivery with Shipping & Co TEL:
0607 222 333
(1 moolah per min).
-ADVERT-
BUTT FLO
THE REVOLUTIONARY SOLUTION TO YOUR CONSTIPATED NEEDS!
Just one dose,
never take two!
And your loo,
will be full of poo!
(Not intended for animal use or any other inferious creatures - excluding mudokons).
30 moolah per bottle
1 bottle contains 30 doses.
CALL NOW
0182 723 221
(1 moolah per min).
Side effects may include: stomach ache, flatulance, leakage and projectile excrement. In case of overdose inform your nearest Vykker doctor and attempt to refrain from passing solids.
-ADVERT FINISH-
A NEW LEAGUE...
We have just heard from a reliable source that a new adversary for industry seems to have popped up over night. Not much is known about them, but they call themselves the D.F.W. League. This apparently stands for Defence For Wildlife League.
It's probable that the reason they have remained so secretive in their setting up and business location is because major industries like Splinterz and Rupture Farms may give moolah to a smaller party to pay this new smalltime corporation a visit, putting them out of business, so to speak. And who can blame them?
We at SLIG'S WEIRD! think that this another unnecessary annoyance that businesses attempting to set up will have to abide. Who cares if some mud hasn't got adequate toilet facilities? Who cares if a herd of scrabs dies due to an oil spill in a watering hole? Who cares if a fleech is flushed down the U-bend? Who cares?!
We are going to reveal any information we find about the D.F.W. League in an attempt to give local businesses a chance at survival, we think they are more of a hinderance than a help.
MAG: RALLY!
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We were recently approached by an M.O.M. messenger offering us a proposal that we couldnt refuse. Seeing as SLIG'S WEIRD! magazine sales had increased slightly recently, he said that the M.O.M. broadcasting station was willing to pay us a certain amount of moolah for us to publish their reports in an assigned section. So voila! Welcome to the new section! Also, we only publish the reports as M.O.M. sends them, so they may not be in every issue.
M.O.M – News you cannot refuse – By the Scrabtrapman
ISSUE1: UPRISINGS ON THE OUTER RIM!
Today General Dripik allowed some powerful news to slip from his stupid mouth. An uprising on the outer rim has started up and mudokons are killing sligs and taking there weapons, an un-confirmed death report has reached us that Jr. Executive Vippy has been killed by his workers, oh the horror!
General Dripik assures us that he is dealing with the situation and that these pockets of resistance shall be wiped out soon, “Big bro sligs” are being sent in to neutralise the areas and “remove” the sligs that failed.
In a side story, a small meat packaging plant has opened on the fringes of Mudos; the name of the plant is, well, no one cares.
This report was sent to you by Scrabtrapman our very own frontline reporter and was sponsored by Lung Busters; mmm that’s a good smoke, now with hack catcher!
-ADVERT-
SLOG SIGHTINGS?
HAVE YOU SEEN ANY ESCAPED PEDIGREE SLOGS AND SLOGGIES BELONGING TO SLOG HUTS?
22 ADULT SLOGS AND 12 SLOGGIES IN THE IMMEDIATE AREA OF A SLOG HUTS DEPOT SOUTH OF SPLINTERZ.
500 MOOLAH REWARD FOR ANY RECOVERY.
RISK OF HEFTY FINE TO ANYONE ATTEMPTING TO FAKE PEDIGREE SLOGS FOR WASTING TIME.
IF YOU SEE ANY SLOGS OR SLOGGIES IN THE VICINITY OF SLOG HUTS CONTACT US ON:
0182 732 733
(1 moolah per min).
-ADVERT FINISH-
Words With Kroloff
YES! Its time to hear our sergeant Kroloff’s words of wisdom, expert in weapons, combat and hunting, with over 16 years experience, and currently stationed at a small slig outpost in Scrabania. But he still has time to answer your questions!
Anonymous: How do I know when to flush my pet Fleech down the toilet? He's about as big as my arm now.
Kroloff: Whoa! Now thats big enough! I'm no expert on fleeches but I'd say its about time that fleech said hello to Mr. Toilet. They usually survive in the sewers anyway, unluckily for the sewer patrol sligs, so dont think its unfair. For the record, fleeches freak me out.
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RUBBISH JOKES!
1.) How do you tell a murderer from an innocent?
A: Just ask them if their name's Rall!
By: Crunch.
2.) What do you call a laughing mudokon?
A: Soon to be in stitches.
By: Dost.
3.) Whats green, vicious, and hunts in packs?
A: A mud!
By: Bijy
THIS ISSUES WINNER IS: Crunch with that outrageous joke!
Congratulations Crunch, 50 moolah is in the post!
-----
COMMERCIAL & PERSONAL AD'S:
> 12 slog replacement teeth, 20 moolah.
TEL: 0182 234 987
> Storage area for rent. 50 moolah per day.
TEL: 0182 253 911
> SCRAB HUNTER or experienced slig with Scrab Shooter needed for permanent guard duty on the border of a moderately sized packaging plant in Scrabania. Pay is 35 moolah a day.
TEL: 0182 876 678
-----
COMPLAINTS.
And now as we reach the end of the magazine, we come to the complaints any of you readers have sent in.
Anonymous: Is it just me, or are telephone call prices rising a lot lately? First it was 1 moolah per min, now it's 2 moolah per min. That's a 100% increase!
Yes, your quite right. Our explanation is that many companies phoneline charges differ from each other, we assure you that we do not raise the price to benefit our own financial needs. They are strictly the business in question's decision. We can only agree with your statement that phone prices for many different associations seem to jump up and down more than a hyperactive mudokon on laughing gas.
SLIG'S WEIRD! magazine staff:
Writers: Stevix
Editor: Rozzle
Reporters: CANNOT BE NAMED
Receptionist: Coth
Chief coffee maker: Roldy
Magog Cartel law specialiser: Chronicler Sphenixson
Slig security: Font
Len
Disue
Vilt
Hond
Owner: Stevix
"No news is good news. I'm afraid i cannot believe in this motto in my position." - Stevix.
If you wish to have anything published (jokes, interveiws, complaints, birthday wishes, information, etc), then PM mollucks assistant and he will personally make sure it is included in the next issue of SLIG'S WEIRD!
Thanks for reading!
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credit goes to Scrabtrapman for providing the M.O.M. news information, and AlexFili for providing the Words With Kroloff question and the complaint.
thanks people! dont be afraid to PM me anything you want in the next issue!
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