If you can't get em blasted then you'll have to go the old fashoned way and just punch yourself in the sides repeated'lly. Sure they'll be lots of blood and you may actually piss more than just kidney stones but in the end it will all just be a excruciatingly painful blurr.
Seriously though that sucks and Im sorry. To prevent more in the future drink more clear fluids and (only if you are obviously) cut back on the amount of protien you eat.
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..I managed to take out the tiger with a can of mace; but the shop owner and his son, that's a different story all together...I had to beat them to death with their own shoes...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8wRSHXhJzsY
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