[ParasiteSklent]

These updates are coming too few and far between. But I came out on my promise...100% more Aslik. Gotta love that guy.

CHAPTER 4

And so, here I am, typing at my computer, while a Slig holds me at gunpoint. What fun is being had at this moment.

Slig: Hey, less talk, more writing!

Mandy: But...but I've been busy...

Slig: NO MORE EXCUSES! GET THOSE FINGERS MOVING!

The slig shoves me with the barrel of his gun.

Mandy: OK, OK! I'm getting to it! I'm sorry!

********************

WHERE WERE WE?!

Abe and Munch were-

Aslik: HEY!

...What?

Aslik: You promised I'd be in this chapter!

Well...you are. Right now.

Aslik: I demand more time for the negligence! Three whole chapters have been Aslik-less! THREE, DAMMIT! I demand some spotlight! It's MY time to shine!

...OK then.

And so, Abe and Munch were shoved away, taking a break somewhere. Go get yourselves some smoothies or something.

Abe and Munch: YAY!

Now, we will go back to-

Aslik: No way, sister. I'M takin' over this story!

But-

Aslik: DON'T ARGUE WITH ME! GET BACK TO WORK! KEEP TYPING THOSE WORDS!

OK, you're the boss! All narrating goes to you!

Alright, that's more like it... Am I on? Is this my disembodied voice? Alrighty, this chapter's gonna be all about your ole' Uncle Aslik, yours truly! SO, where to begin? Since I've been demoted from the Vice President of FeeCo, I gotta work at this crappy school as a guidance counselor or something. So there I was, sitting at my desk, bein' all pissy about losing my job, when this Grubb guy walks in!

Grubb: Hi, Mr. Aslik, dude.

So I says to him,

Aslik: What the hell do you want?

Mandy: That's not the appropriate way to address the students.

...Oh, right? I mean...

Aslik: Why, hello there, how may I help you?

So I try faking a smile while he parks his ass on a chair in front of me. He says,

Grubb Guy: Dude, my pet Fuzzle died, and when we tried to bring him back to life, he exploded! It was nasty, man! Now I want to kill myself! What should I do?

Aslik: Eh? Oh. Just run around with the Slogs or something. I think Phleg beat you to it.

Phleg: *From outside* LIFE'S NOT WORTH LIVING WITHOUT MY MOOOOLAAAAHHH!!!

Grubb Guy: But- But the slogs'll tear off my skin. That'll hurt.

Aslik: Ain't that the point? Listen here, kid, I got bigger problems to deal with. See this little office here? It's small cuz I ain' makin' no dough. No moolah, no nice stuff. The only way I can get what I want is to be the head honcho, the big cheese of this dump! So you knows what Uncle Aslik's gotta do?

Grubb Guy: Uh-

Aslik: That's right, I gotta overthrow Molluck! After Rupture Farms went under, he became the principle here! And why? WHY?! I did a lot more work than he did! I was much more efficient! It's Aslik's time to take over! SAY IT WITH ME! IT'S ASLIK'S TIME TO SHINE!

Grubb Guy: ...Uh...it's Aslik's time to-

Aslik: LOUDER! LIKE YOU MEAN IT!

Grubb Guy: IT'S ASLIK'S TIME TO SHINE!

Aslik: HELL YEAH!

Grubb Guy: But won't Molluck get mad when he finds out you wanna steal his job, dude?

Was this grubb a moron or something? My monocle nearly fell off just listening to him. So, I leap up on my desk and say,

Aslik: What are you smoking?! You can't tell him! There's no way you're leaving this room! Word can't get out! Restrain him!

That's when I realized there wasn't a slig with me.

Aslik: ...Uh...

Grubb Guy: Can I...please...leave now?

Aslik: NEVER! YOU! Old narrator lady! Restrain him!

Mandy: But I can't-

Aslik: DO IT!

Mandy: OK, OK, I'm sorry!

Using her incredible powers of fourth wall breakage, that chick managed to hold the grubb down for me.

Aslik: OK, now tie him up!

Mandy: You're just gonna leave him here?

Aslik: Yeah, why not? You're the one writing it!

Mandy: ...Oh yeah...

AND SO SHE DID.

Aslik: Now that that's taken care of, I can take a nap.

Mandy: What about usurping Molluck's position? Isn't that your top priority right now?

Aslik: I can say the same thing about your little fan fiction here.

Mandy: ...Touché.

AND SO, having sewn the seeds of a nice little subplot, I take back the reigns of the story to get this thing a-movin'.

Abe and Alf staggered out of the classroom, occasionally running into walls due to their impaired vision. Though they washed the pepper spray from their eyes, the spicy pain still lingered.

Abe: I can't see very well, but this smoothie is great!

Alf: Hey, how come I didn't get one?

Abe: ...I dunno.

Munch came wheeling toward the two Mudokons in his wheelchair. He also had a smoothie.

Munch: These guys make some good smoothies, don't they Abe?

Abe: They sure do?

Alf: Why can't I have one?

Narrator sez: I made you a smoothie, but I eated it.

Alf: ...No. You lose points for making lame jokes.

...Oh, look over there. Something is happening.

SCENE MISSING

Dripik: SLOG RUN!

And then they're chased by slogs again.

Abe: WHY DO YOU KEEP DOING THIS TO US?!

BECAUSE IT AMUSES ME SO. After much pumping of the legs, and in Munch's case, his arms, the three make it into the cafeteria, which for some reason is off-limits for slogs. That's lazy writing for you.

ANYWAY

Within the cafeteria were a slew of different Oddworld species; Sligs, Mudokons, Clakkerz, Outlaws, Interns, Glukkons, Vykkers, and Grubbs, all mingling together in the celebratory act of feast. Or, at least trying to eat while punk sligs and outlaws shove their heads into their food. Whichever, really.

As the three advanced further into the large room, the smells of the food wafted into their nostrils, and they followed them hungrily. At the front of the room, several varieties of meat were being sold; Paramite Pies, Scrab Cakes, byproducts from Elums, and others. At the side of the room stood several vending machines, ranging from Expresso to Zap! and So-

Abe: I hope you weren't going to say Sobé.

...Soy bean. Soy bean juice. That's what I was going to say.

Munch: Isn't that Soy Milk?

...There appears to be a poster in front of you. I suggest you read it.

Alf turned and read a large bright poster, which read, "New and Tasty!" in bold yellow letters.

Alf: New and Tasty...? I wonder what that could be?

Abe: Didn't Rupture Farms go out of business? How come there's still Scrab Cakes and stuff here?

From behind one of the vending machines, Stranger appeared, staring at Abe with the intense glare of his green eyes.

Stranger: There's some things the guys runnin' this joint...don't want ya t' know.

Abe and Munch looked at each other and shrugged. Behind them came a loud, booming voice, making them flinch. They were both pushed aside as Blisterz Booty came through, straight toward Stranger. Alf, knowing something bad was about to go down, ran off, leaving Munch and Abe to fend for themselves.

Blisterz Booty: Finally found you, pretty boy. I got a bone to pick with you.

As his voice carried across the cafeteria, several clakkerz and sligs turned their heads to see what was going on. Most of the others kept to their business.

Blisterz Booty: I don't like how you been struttin' yer stuff down the hall, like you own the place, makin' me look bad.

Stranger: Well...it ain't my fault you got a face only yo' momma could love.

More people started turning their attention towards the two, with several "Ooooohs" emerging from the distance. Soon, a small crowd started forming.

Blisterz Booty: Hey, you leave mah momma outta this!

Stranger: Or what? You gonna run home an' cry?

As the crowd grew larger, a slig started chanting.

Slig: Fight, fight, fight, fight-

To which the others joined in.

Crowd: Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

Abe and Munch stared warily at the crowd.

Abe: I think we better get outta here before something happens.

Munch: Let's grab some food first.

Abe: OK.

Abe reached over to grab two Paramite Pies. He handed one to Munch, and walked off with the other. Not looking where he was going, the mudokon tripped on a gob of food on the ground. He slipped and fell, while the pie flew into the air...and landed straight on the head of Blisterz Booty.

Abe: Oops.

Several clakkerz in the crowd stifled back laughter. Blisterz slowly turned to face Abe, when a crazed mudokon stood on top of a table, a Paramite Pie in hand.

Mudokon: FOOD FIGHT!

The mudokon launched the pie, which struck an intern in the middle of his face. Angrily wiping the pie from him, the intern grabbed a live fuzzle and hurled it at the mudokon. As it landed, furious about being thrown, it started biting the mudokon, making him writhe in pain. A clakker walked up to the intern, horrified.

Clakker: You threw mah Fuzzy Wumpkins! YOU MUST DIE!

The clakker grabbed a handful of Scrab Cakes and tossed them, missing his target and hitting a slig. From there, it was chaos. Everyone was throwing everything at each other. Elum bits flew through the air as grubbs barely dodged giant chunks of meat, while sligs flung gobs of mush at anyone who came their way.

Blisterz didn't forget about Abe, however, and came running after him. The mudokon got to his feet and ran as fast as he could. As Blisterz advanced on him, he reached the vending machines and climbed to the top of them. Blisterz grabbed the machine and shook it, while Abe struggled to stay on. More bits of food flew through the air, pummeling Blisterz. Undeterred, he continued to shake. From another machine, Stranger stood and thrust out his arm, revealing a crossbow. He grabbed several cans from the machine and loaded them into the crossbow. Taking aim, he fired the cans at Blisterz, spraying foam everywhere, and effectively stopping Blisterz.

Meanwhile, Munch became lost in the crowd. He was nearly trampled by a passing outlaw, his fists full of now unidentifiable meat. One of the wheels on his wheelchair got stuck on the food lining the ground, and he was pummeled by a colorful array of tasty treats. Several fuzzles fell to the ground around him and began eating the food lining the ground. This released Munch from his position, and he wheeled himself to the vending machines, rejoining Abe. The two crouched behind the machines, avoiding the battle as best they could. Stranger leapt down from his perch and ran through the double doors, nearly toppling over a slig who came running in. He had a paper in his hand, and he was panting heavily. Barely catching his breath, the slig began to shout.

Slig: HEY! LISTEN!

The food fight went on, and the slig went ignored. He pulled out a megaphone from behind him and yelled into it.

Slig: HEY!!! LISTEN!!!

Everyone immediately stopped and put their full attention to the slig at the doors.

Slig: I got a message from Molluck! He says that Lulu just inherited three million moolah from his ma!

All the creatures stood awestruck and stared stupidly at the slig. I'm ashamed at the alliteration I just used, but anyhoo... Noticing the commotion had died down, Abe and Munch made their escape.

********************

From inside an office on an upper level of the building, Humphrey and Irwin sat in front of several monitors, watching through cameras at the chaos inside the cafeteria.

Irwin: Wow, I'm glad we don't have to clean that up!

Humphrey: Looks like the gabbit made it out alive. Impressive.

Irwin: Does that mean we...

Humphrey: Sure thing. Call some of the interns, tell them we're ready. Oh, and make sure that he sees...this.

Humphrey lifts up a can in between his claws. He puts it to the dim monitor light, to reveal a can of the now extremely rare Gabbiar.

**************

More drama! More intrigue! And of course, more major LULZ!

Aslik: Not to mention 100% more Aslik!

What lies in store for Abe and Munch? What will those devious Vykkers do with that Gabbiar? What will Lulu do with all that moolah? How much longer will the next update be?

That sure is a good question! I guess you'll just have to wait, ya loons, you! And away I go!