[Wings of Fire]

A few structural tips:

1, Dialogue should never ever have more than one exclamation mark, otherwise it looks quite silly.

2, Also to do with dialogue, each new speaker should speak in a new paragraph.

3, There is a difference between situations you use "Speech marks" and 'Inverted commas', also if you are writing in a characters POV there is no need to use any kind of punctuation to display their thoughts, it should integrate itself into the text naturally through adjectives and descriptive language.

Your plot has a few interesting dynamics to it but I feel it is succumbing to the 'Episode III' syndrome of moving too fast with too little justification for the characters actions. Magog for instance seems to have turned completely evil, grown a taste for expensive suits and acknowledged the technological potential of her race just through being humbled by the Mudokons.

It would have maybe made more cognitive sense if you'd have had increased tension between the Muds and Glucks for some time and the moon being breaking point, and it would have been a good idea if Magog herself was a more progressive queen while her daughter, enraged by the callous murder of her mother, wanted nothing better than to break the Muds forever. The Mud's relative impassivity to protect their queen seemed a bit strange to me as well, call me a cliché whore but Bigface coming home to find a cave full of slaughtered Mudokons would have been awesome.

There are also some points of conflict in your story, to do with what characters are saying and where they are talking about. Always make sure to proof read your work before and after postage to get rid of that problem. And finally the evolution from gunpowder to weaponry took mankind several hundred years of blood, sweat and toil, yet the Gluckons, with their lazy Slig colleagues managed to do in in several? The introduction of Vykkers at that point could have both solved that problem and caused some really neat plot devices.

On conclusion, I don't want to appear overly critical of your work but I find it hard to express my feelings without doing so. The purpose of me writing here is not do dissuade you, but to encourage you to incorporate more skillful techniques into your work, as I hate to see what could be a potentially enjoyable plot crushed by sloppy writing.

Lorne gave you a large amount of resources to draw from in the Oddworld universe, try to implement more of them.

EDIT: Oh and any singular ending with 'sis' becomes a 'ses' in plural so oasis becomes oases.