Hmm, the story's going by waaay too fast. You need to slow down and let the story build; you can't just jump into the action. Also, you haven't described Ben at all or why he's in Oddworld to begin with. If I were you i'd either edit in more details, or we-write and try again. Also, try skipping posts between paragraphs (you can't use the tab tool on this site) and using proper punctuation to make your writing seem more professional. ^^
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