This might not apply to everyone, but I'm not really interested in reading what basically amounts to a script. Try to write it in story form, like so. I took a passage and re-wrote for an example.
Before:
Ken: "Ok, the Sligs are asleep but the ones at the exit are not."
Mudokon 1: "I think this is suicide, that's what."
Mudokon 2: "How will we pull this off, we have no Tomahawks or Spoocebows."
Ken: "Ok, let me go over it again;"
After:
Ken cracked open the door to the loud sound of snoring coming from outside the dirty storage room. He slowly moved his head to get a better view of the sligs guarding the door outside. To his relief, they were all leaning against each other or the walls, eyes closed.
Ken pushed himself up on one arm and managed to get a better look. To his dismay, the sligs on the other side of the heavily-reinforced steel door on the other side of the hall were still at attention. It was a miracle they hadn't seen the snoozing sligs who were guarding Ken's door. Ken sighed, but turned towards his new mudokon friends. He spoke quickly, in a low whisper.
"Okay, the sligs are asleep, but the ones near the exit are not,"
"This is suicide, Ken. We can't do it while the door guards are still awake." One of the mudokons replied, frightened at the situation. "How're we gonna pull this off without any spooce bows or tomahawks?"
Ken sighed. An unwilling comrade was the last thing he needed. He took a deep breath.
"Just wait a second. Lemme go over the plan one more time."
___________
Spelling, grammar, and punctuation also need a lot of work. I suggest running your stories through a spell checker before posting them.
And for the last time, just edit your posts with the new parts insteading of triple-posting. If someone replies, then you can post a new part instead of editing.
3/10
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