[mitsur]

At my funeral, I want a ventriloquist to make it sound like I'm saying stuff to the people as they walk by, like 'Let me out, you sons of bitches!', or 'What the **** am I doing in here? And where's Judith!?'

Then I want someone to spike all the drinks with pure alcohol so everyone is falling-down drunk as they lower the coffin down.

And maybe even hire someone to play a distant nephew, and have them look into the casket and say, 'That's not my uncle!'

Maybe even spray paint my coffin with graffiti and cover it with all kinds of offensive things.

Then, finally, make sure my funeral is scheduled right before and/or next to a wedding to throw off how people should feel. Happy because it's the joining of two people? Or depressed because someone died?

EDIT:

One final thing I'd like done.

Hire a professional skydiver to guide my body into the casket at terminal velocity so that it impales itself onto the massive metal spike inside it. Then it bursts into flame, incinerating my body.

Shortly after, the keg of gunpowder beneath it explodes, destroying everything within twenty feet.

The charred remains are then lowered into the resulting crater.

Also, I've never been to a funeral, unless watching your dog being putdown counts. That depressed me for a week, because I kept trying to think about what my dog's last thoughts had been, and it made me sad because it kept coming back to my dog wondering why it was getting so sleepy and why everything was going dark and why the Masters looked sad.