I don't check the Fan Corner nearly as much as I should/used to, but I think I'll make a comeback.
It sounds good to me, though there are a few odd descriptive terms ("spray obnoxiously from his limp body") that sound rather strained.
You could create a much more apocalyptic atmosphere by describing the environment around him that provides clues to the events of the Mortem, both on a widespread and localised scale, using familiar objects to drive the point home, for example: an abandoned playground with an old doll, and evidence of a struggle like rotten body parts or broken glass; a darkened sky from the ash of the worldwide urban fires, and black rain because of it; or a street of cars from an old traffic jam, some of which have bodies inside, others with "living" zombies, and the smashed windows through which they were bitten...
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