The way you are doing this, with different types of n00b soldier and everything, is hilarious. It is reminding me as well of Helm's Deep, and seems like a funny chapter's coming. Perhaps you could have one of the members get 'hacked' by the n00bs and infected to seem like a noob soldier himself? This is real entertaining reading, and I'm intrigued by this Faceless One stuff. Pity I've never read Dark Tower, I'd probably get more of these in-jokes.
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Fuzzle Guy: Apart from going swimming I've never been more wet in my life than when I went to see Take That.
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