[mitsur]

Well, like I said in Nemo's email scam/'What 007 character are you" topic, I am making a parody of OWF simply for fun and watching you all suppress your laughter by snorting into your hands on the hidden camera embedded into your computers.

Any suggestions or idea should be PM'ed if they have something to do with the plot or how I should portray you; I will always answer them. Comments or suggestions on how to make the writing better can be posted right in here!

And so we go.

***

PROLOUGE

Before you look into my magic ball of tales, weary traveler, there is something you should know. This ball rarely tells of heroes; indeed, it shows you the average lives of average people. This ball does not show you noble deeds; it shows you the common ones. This ball is not like the others you have read about in magical books and legends. This ball would rather show you the laughter, the tears, the joy, the sadness, and the happiness of the mundane.

So, if you are expecting an epic to rival those of King Arthur, or talk of love found, and then lost, or of the quests worthy of Merlin's journal, do not read any further. For the story you will see in my magic ball will most likely be dull; at least, compared to the knightly tales of The Round Table.

You will continue? Very well (do you hear me sigh?) Just gaze into the void within, and let your mind drift toward infinity...

***

CHAPTER ONE - DAWN

"Mitsur, get up!" The three words went through the slopper in his head, making it come out strangely. Meme, gwet wup!

"Leme 'lone." he mumbled. He didn't want to wake up; his alarm hadn't even gone off yet! Still, the unknown waker continued.

"Mitsur, wake up!" Mitsur was getting annoyed. Why should this jerk wake him up? He was nice and comfy, under covers at just the right temperature, and here this idiot dared to wake him up!? The nerve of h-

A swift kick to the stomach ended Mitsur's righteous anger in a hurry. He groaned, and rolled over, cracking his eyes open as he did.

Everything hurt his eyes, and then the pain faded, as did the slight blurriness as his vision cleared up. Snuzi's head faded in, like a cheap hypnotizing effect.

"Geez, for being here for over 5 years and having three times my post count, you take forever to wake up!" Snuzi said down to him. For a moment, Mitsur's ears were out of sync, so Snuzi's voice rang down with the imperative tone of God talking to His followers.

"What time is it..." Mitsur questioned, but his voice started to trail off toward the end from lack of energy.

"It's six o' clock! Just enough time for a light jog before the sun comes up! I've taken the liberty to get all you fatties up and at 'em so you don't turn into the Subway poster-boy, except before he ate the food."

Mitsur, who had lost interest at the words six o' clock, was gently and happily drifting back to sleep when Snuzi buffed him over the head with a pillow.

"Come on! We don't want to waste any more of this bee-utiful day!" Snuzi said beautiful as if it gave him immense pleasure to say it.

Mitsur responded by punching him in the face, which knocked Snuzi out before he hit the floor. "That gave me immense pleasure to do..." Mitsur said, then fell back asleep.

Snuzi didn't come around until ten in the morning.

***

When Mitsur did voluntarily wake up, it was nine o' clock. Groaning, he ripped himself from the bed, and threw on his usual clothes. This meant yesterday’s clothes. He stumbled like a zombie to his bedroom door, tripping over Snuzi's unconscious form, and walked into the door twice before finally realizing he should open it. Grasping the fake diamond knob, he twisted it and pulled the door back.

"Hey, look guys! Mitsur got to sleep in!" Arxryl yelled out the words, pointing dramatically at him and the door. Everyone in the room (which was pretty much every user, since they had all been woken up by Snuzi) looked at Mitsur.

He swore and dove back into his room just as everyone lunged for him. The door slammed into SeaRex's face, Max the Mug got his hand caught in the frame, and Munch's Master managed to grasp Mitsur's arm. He gouged at it until it released him, opened the door slightly then banged it on Max's hand until he let go, and had to give SeaRex a purple-nurple before he could properly close the door, and lock it.

Various hostile shouts were coming from the other side of door, such as "That little bitch!", "I'll get him!", "I'll kill Snuzi first!", and "Hey guys! Look! I found a nickel!"

Mitsur didn't think it would be a good thing to come out for awhile, but he felt absolutely famished. Like most intelligent people, he decided to climb out the window and hopefully avoid the angry mob. Unlike most intelligent people, Mitsur did not realize it was a ten-foot drop down from the window.

Luckily, when Mitsur carelessly jumped out without looking, he landed right on Al the Vykker, who had nothing on but a towel.

"Ooof. Is it parachute-without-a-parachute day already?" Al grunted out. "'Cause I'd love it to be, because then I wouldn't feel obliged to rip your stomach and feed it to Majic to increase his power."

"Sorry, Al. But look on the bright side! At least I didn't get hurt! You're a real pal."

"Yeah, I’ll show you pal. PAL: Painful Agony-filled Love." Al muttered, and then walked off.

"Hey Al!" Mitsur yelled to him as he walked away.

"Yeah?"

"Why are you wearing nothing but a towel?!"

"I dunno. It just felt right."

Dumbfounded a bit, Mitsur shrugged and then snuck around to the front doors of OWF. He was about as stealthy at a garbage truck. Still, everyone was too busy trying to break into his room to notice. In fact, they had already broken through the cheap wood door, and were beating Snuzi into unconsciousness, which, because he already was, defeated the purpose.

Mitsur opened the front door, where the enthusiastic (if slightly creepy-sounding) voice of Havoc greeted him on the usual welcome chime everyone got from opening the door. People hadn't elected Havoc to do this, he decided to do this. Unfortunately, until Xavier could figure out how to get rid of the tiger guarding the circuit box, everyone would have to put up with it.

"Is this thing on? Test...Test...oh. Hello, and welcome to Oddworld Forums! Were the deeeer and the antaloppppeee plaaaaayyy." As Havoc broke into song, Mitsur winced, and covered his ears.

He followed the lushly-padded carpet of the entrance hall to the cafeteria, where Rex Tirano was serving her home-made breakfast, which looked like some kind of combination of oatmeal and frosted flakes.

"Hi Mitsur! Wanna try some of my oatmeal flakes?" She asked cheerily, in her usual sugary voice.

"Um, why n-" he was cut off in mid-sentence as a large spoon filled with the stuff was thrust into his mouth. Mitsur suppressed a gag as Rexy gazed earnestly at him. He forced a smile as he chewed.

"Oh...yeah, this is the greatest stuff I've ever tried! So good, in fact, I...I think I'll let everyone else have the privilege of trying it. I'll have some more later." Mitsur's eye's scrunched up involuntarily, but, taking it as tears of ecstacy, Rexy beamed, and skipped off, holding the pot of oatmeal-poison in her arms.

Mitsur rushed over to the water fountain the minute Rexy left, cleaned his mouth out multiple times, and, mouth free of the horrible taste, went up to the breakfast buffet Alcar had been blackmailed into giving everyone. He got himself some milk and a croissant, and then walked toward the table near the back of the room, just in case the angry mob of forum members got hungry and came in.

***

There you guys go! Chapter one is now posted publicly!

Let the comments commence! And, don't forget, PM me or post here on how you want to be portrayed! I'm going to try to put all the people I can think of into this at least once!

Plot ideas or suggestions should be PM’ed to me, as well.

And to those who have read it, yes, the first few lines are based on the first few lines of The Stand by Stephen King. The prolouge is based on the Coda of the seventh book of The Dark Tower Series, also by Stephen King.