First of all, let me say that your chapters have gotten progressively better.
But honestly, I think you should work on your writing skills a bit more. Yes, do as Shrink advises, that was good stuff.
Other advice: To make an entertaining, well-received storey, you really have to think about the what the reader wants to hear. Who's the character, what is he about, what're his motives, why is he in the situation he's in, etc. etc. The following would be as example of summing all that stuff up:
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Prologue - Who's Job?
Hi. My name is Job, and I'm a Mudoken working for the dang Vykkers. I don't know where I am, but I don't like it. I don't like it at all. It reminds me of my old life at RuptureFarms.
It stinks here, but not like the Farms. Here it smells like burnt hair and chemicals. The floor is real sticky, and it peels the skin off my paws. My knees and feet are raw from scrubbing so much. There seems to be a lot of scrubbing going on at this place, wherever it is. I don't even know what I'm scrubbing. That's because I'm blind.
I wasn't always blind. I used to be able to see, back when Abe freed me. I could even see when I had my first SoulStorm brew. Man, that was yummy. Mm-mmm, I wish I had a brew right now. Anyway, once I had my first brew, the Sligs threw me into a cage and shipped of to the brewery. That sucked. Those shmucks took, me tied me down, and started lacin' up my eyes! I didn't even know what was happening! I think I blacked out.
Anyway, when I woke up everything was black and I was getting whipped and yelled at. They gave me a pick and I worked for weeks. Then, one day I heard Abe and some other chumps at a Vendo getting drunk on the Brew. Abe was tellin' 'em not to, but they wouldn't listen. Poor shmucks.
The thing that matters is I saw Abe... well not, really, but I heard him, and I told him to get us outta here. He said, "Ok, then follow me." So I said ok and started to walk forward. After a few seconds I realized my foot wasn't hitting the ground. I was falling! I screamed all the way down, the BAM. I was out.
When I awoke, there was an alarm goin' off. I got real spooked and started running towards one of the trains (I had gotten pretty good at moving around without hitting stuff). I could tell there were no other Mudokens around, which was weird. Thinking nothing of it, I got on one of the trains and it started up. I was saved! On it's way out of the Brewery, there was a big BOOM and I fell. Again.
When I woke up (again) I was in a cage with some of my homies from the Brewery. They told me that Abe had rescued everyone in the brewery. "Then why are we here," I asked. They told me they had been on the train I was on, and we weren't in the damn place during the Exoddus. Abe missed us!
So I was pissed. But now, that's where I am, with just a few my homies (who are mostly blind) scrubbing floors with the Vykkers.
END OF PROLOGUE
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If you start considering those things, I'm almost sure that your fan fiction (along with your writing skills) will improve dramatically. Kudos, and good luck with Jobe (You name theiving bastard, you!).
