It has potential, however, it would be better to write your chapters within Microsoft Word, and then spellcheck them. Getting your spelling and grammar correct is particularly well thought of, and not only will it make your story read better, but it will make you look better.
You need to describe situations more. It moves along too fast. Furthermore, how does Jobe become unconscious after having his metallic legs kicked? This seems unlikely. It also seems unlikely that a mudokon would cause the legs to malfunction upon a single kick, however, I am willing to suspend disbelief here.
You sentance your paragraphs too much. Use commas, colons and semi-colons (appropriately, as Microsoft Word would advise).
Furthermore, it is common procedure to place a space after puntuation and before the next word/better; as you may observe in this post.
Plot-wise, there is no motive given and no character development, even slightly. We know nothing about every single character, except that Jobe likes to torture mudokons.
Also, about the beginning: There are visiters who have come to the factory via special passes, and are visiting.
Jobe works at the factory.
He got a pass, and is also visiting, as well as working there.
Is that correct?
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