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  #4  
06-09-2005, 01:39 PM
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odd chick
Outlaw Shooter
 
: Nov 2004
: United States
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Okay, firstly, the Chapter title 'Burnination' kinda made me think "This'll be bad" before I read it, so I'd change that if I were you. (First impressions and all)

And secondly, you havent explained anything.
Who's Dennis? Why is there a Mudokon outside his burnt house? Why is the Dragon called Demon-Fire? Not that the names in my fic are original (they're all anagrams and stuff) but come on, at least call it: Inferno or something cheesy like that.

Thirdly: Armor, Sword, Dragon - Mudokon, Scrab. Not much of a link there.

Also, it goes too fast. The reader has no attachment to Dennis OR his house, and he gets to the Dragons Cave too quickly! Your first chapter is two paragraphs long, and he's done a stories worth of stuff.

Oh yeah and why is there a dragon cave right near this guys house, which comes down for DAILY 'burninations' and this guy knows nothing about? Is he retarded or what? What race is he anyway? Is he human?
I agree with mostly everything posted here. I especially agree with the explinations-you should explain why the Dragon burned Dennis's home down and why the Dragon is called is called Demon-Fire. Also, character development is VERY important in a story-bring their emotions, personality, and characteristics out more. Also, it really DOES go too fast-draw it out a bit more: put more description into it. Other than that, I don't think your idea is bad-the story has potential, in my opinion.
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