[Kimon]

How could we NOT love ya, Dipstikk?

What? I hate that bastard. Dirty mother-fucker upstaging my now second-best story.... .





ANYWAY Fuzzleman, your story is improved, but you still need to spend a lot more time on it. Make it longer, more explanatory, try to develop your characters through indirect characterization (things they're wearing, posture, looks, etc.) and direct characterization (something they say, do, etc.). If you get those things down, your story will be 10 times better, trust me.