Once again, I'm no expert but...
boy is that the most random thing ever.
Most of the stuff that happens there, when written properly, should take at least several chapters.
Its like, for example, an Abes Oddysee Fanfiction going like this:
Abe saw they were making his friends into food and he ran away and got out because he hit his head off a pipe when he was in a barrel then he saw the moon and fell off a cliff but then he went to Scrabania and Paramonia and got the Shrykull power so he went back to Rupture Farms and blew it up.
See? Thats a whole game, but its totally condensed, so its not a good read.
Thats basically what you've done.
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