First of all, I want to tell you not to give up. If you practice, then maybe, just MAYBE you'll improve. However, I'm also going to say that I don't think you're ready to post anything on this forum yet. This story virtually had no plot, the grammar/punctuation needs much improvement, and this pretty much needs to be re-written altogether. I couldn't even tell what was going on most of the time. To be honest, I found myself confused while reading this. :/ I'm not trying to be harsh, but I think it needs to be said. What I recommend is for you to type this up on a word processor (Like Wordpad or Microsoft Word, etc.), then re-read what you have typed and look for grammar/punctuation errors as well as expanding the character development and plot. But you may have to fix the bugs in the story many times (I have to do that when I write fanfics.). That way, I think you'd be ready.
