Well, first of all, Fuzzleman, the idea of this story is very interesting, but everything that Dipstikk said is absolutely right.....You should develop your characters more, use better grammar/punctuation, and even describe what kind of environments the characters are in as well.
You should take all of Dipstikk's advice in the above post and use it because it will truly help you out. Other than that, this story DOES have potential, in my opinion.
"Oh, and your stepping in fuzzle poo"
But I must admit this line kinda got me.
