Overall, I think your idea is a good one. While some people may find it hard to read the dialogue, I actually like the way you wrote it because it is written the way it is spoken in the game.
There are a few mistakes that I can point out, though, and that is that there are several spelling/grammar mistakes. As long as you can fix those, it'll be ok. Other than that, the story is good, in my opinion.
It seems that you brought the characters' emotions out well, too.
"...the skunkbomb was shot in his face while the shooter barfed his non-existant brains out."
I thought that was sort of funny, for some reason.
