Hmmmm......the concept of this story is very good, but it needs to be edited, revised and, pretty much, rewritten altogether. I'm not trying to be harsh, I'm just trying to help out.
Expand the story out a bit more-try to bring out the mood and tone of the story and give the characters more personality. Overall, the whole idea in general is good, but it needs some work. That's all I'm trying to say.