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Use the ****ing edit button. Stop spamming. Read the rules. Read the forum descriptions. Use grammar.
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Lol, kids nowadays. It's this late 90's education I tell you. I learned to write before Labour came to power and I never wrote like that on the forums when I joined.
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It's not very good, to be honest, and it could use some vast improvement.
You need to gain a story structure, you need to introduce your character and develop him. You need to create realistic boundries to your world. As you're using Oddworld, use Oddworld's boundries. One of the most wanted glukkons couldn't just blow up the Magog on the March headquarters. Or kill the glukkon queen. The story needs to have a defined story arc with plot. Also, a beginning, middle, which leads to the climax, and then end, where in traditional stories, things go back to normality for the main characters.
Major events that happen can not be fulfilled properly in a couple of lines. You need to lead up to them, you need to employ various narrative techniques and even genres, depending on how modern your story is designed to be.
The plot of this story does not make any sense. You move too quickly around, killing people for little apparent reason.
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Give him a break, I wrote a fic when I was 12 and the start of it sucked like that. However, when I finished it I was 14, my skills had much improved.