Oddfan, listen to Oddguy, hes right.
Break the cycle, even if it seems difficult.I've been there, with the self-loathing and its worth trying to get over it because in the end, you'll be a stronger person & you'll be as happy as ever. I also believe that you and your perfect love will be together once again, just try and you'll succeed.
(Btw, excellent advice Oddguy
)