this is a very good story, you've got a good plot, some good characters and a lot of good ideas. Also your descriptive writing is really good.
Just 2 problems though,
1, the chapter is really long. When you open a story for the first time and you find yourself faced with a really long chapter it can be quite daunting!
The other thing is that there are a lot of spelling and punctuation mistakes in there. It's really hard to stay focused to a long piece of writing if it's got a lot of mistakes in it. I recomend you check through your story before posting it next time, especially if you want to keep your chapters so long.
But all in all this is looking t be a really good story, I think I'll follow this one. Well done.
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