Oddworld Forums - The reason I stepped down as moderator.

Im leaving OWF indefinitely. And no its not one of those "just kidding" things. Stuff is just happening in my life right now, and I feel OWF is a distraction in many ways. So I decided to leave off topic in Joe's care :) ... I have always been curious how he would lead as moderator so yea ^^

I've thought long and hard before before making this decision final though. I made the decision in the start of February, and it's something I've considered for quite a while now. And I'm going to be annoying and say "It's not you, it's me" >_< I do not hold a grudge against anyone here. The decision springs from something inside of me. OWF has been grating me in ways I cant identify why. Usually when this happens I find that I need to remove myself from the source of the weird feelings which either then fixes them or I identify why they happened. I already left OWF once for 2 years, believing it would be forever, but obviously I came back... So I am not going to say I wont ever come back. I may not. But i can't guarantee anything. Somewhere I hope I will come back :)

Anyway to understand things a bit better I'm guessing I can let you in on my personal life a little. I mean.. In the end, this has always been a place for us to vomit up unnecessary personal facts about ourselves.

I feel I have changed a lot. I can't recognize myself as the person who first joined these forums. Then again, I'm nearing my 10 year anniversary. Which is... scary.

About a year ago... Well november 2011, I met someone online(yes its the pesky world of online again) who I am deeply in love with now. We haven't met irl yet, but we are deadset on moving together, with me moving to NZ most likely. This may seem strange to some people... Why I'd do this. But hey... Ive done it before! But this time it will be permanent. I can always move back if things go wrong. My family has stated this many times.

Now the kind of relationship we have is one that many of you might find strange. I do not consider him a bf, and he is significantly older than me. But we have one of them Dom/sub relationships. For those who are unfamiliar, its usually related to kinky relationships and such. But that is not entirely correct either. I am submissive, and always have been. I knew this from an early age, and I knew precisely what I needed in order to be happy in my life. I had fairy tales I wanted to live out that I thought I never would.. That I thought I would only see in dreams which in turn would torment me. Dreams were an escape for me for many years because I couldn't bear the dull fact that I was living a life I didn't really like.
Then he came along... And from the very first moment we talked, I started sinking deeper and deeper into this strange thing that was him. I suspect he felt the same, as he is quite picky about the people he interacts with.
In either case, we danced around each other for 3 months until my mind simply collapsed upon itself and I gave myself as a sub to him.
Everything he did was just right. It's like he's been able to read my mind from day one. Everything happened fluidly. Everything feels like I am living the fairy tale I have always chased.
I have never felt so happy in my life. Finally I have met the person that can complete me fully. He has managed to help me in so many ways. Not just on a personal basis.. But intellectually too. I have found myself becoming a better person, and more willing to better my overall state of mind and body.
Im not entirely sure why I choose to tell you guys about this now... Maybe I am simply curious to see how controversial it might be. Or maybe I care about everyone enough to feel you guys deserve the truth. One thing I never liked, is hiding part of myself in order to be accepted. I like the person I am, and if someone can accept my core, then I know these people will be worth keeping in my life :) If anyone has any questions, Im happy to answer. I know many people might find this relationship dynamic odd.
But I can explain it best like this:
People have certain types of energies they seek from others. Most vanilla(as in sane.. normal :P) people have a balance in the need of power-exchange. They complete each other by exchanging small part of the authority in the relationship, and thus other things become more important to them.
But then you have dominants and submissives. From my point of view.. I have a huge amount of energy stored up that I would like to exchange. I love pleasing others. I love seeing people smile... In turn I also love being taken care of. Have someone feed off that energy. And these energy needs are continuous. So with the right person to feed of each others energy, there's a balance created :)

Anyway I have learned a lot about myself in the last year, and I also feel I have changed a lot. I feel I want to take the final steps in order to accept myself as I am. And in many ways I feel like OWF keeps me stuck in the past. My former self. I've really grown as a person. Become more bold. More mature(but still childlike it seems in many cases -.-) .. I also feel I am more ambitious.
I feel more happy than ever. And I want to step into this new and exciting chapter of my life with nothing holding me back anymore.

Either way... I love OWF... and I will definitely always appreciate this place. If I ever return, it probably wont be for a long while. I hope I will return. I hope that whatever feels off about OWF will just go away, because I truly care about and love you all in a weird indescribable way. Most of you have been here with me from the beginning. And some of you I have had some interesting arguments with :p But in the end, all of you are unique and have brought a positive thing to my life.

And dont worry... Im only saying goodbye to OWF. I still have many of you in IM :) And I wont be deleting any of you or anything like that. If anyone wants to keep talking to me, you're welcome to ask for my IM. So I guess for many of you, this isn't truly goodbye. And as I said, its not because any of you people. Its just the place itself that somehow leaves a feeling of distress. Maybe is 10 years of luggage with this place. Its caused a lot of real emotions inside of me. And I have a feeling I put way too much emotional stock in this place.
I even think back to my role playing days and smile. And to fancorner when I used to read fanfics and post bad drawings... and then off topic which seemed really intimidating at first. :)

Anyway I am sorry about this enormous sausage of text. But I had a lot on my mind. And I feel better now that I wrote it.
The reason I didnt make this into a blog is that I dont really want anyone to be tasked with pushing it off the top-five list...
And just to make it clear. I am not really experiencing 'problems' or anything like that. Everything in my life is finally going exactly as I want it... Or moving towards those goals anyway.

I will probably answer any question that might be asked... if any are asked... But otherwise... Goodbye OWF *gives hugs* Been a nice time :)