Jokes!
 

Post your favorite jokes here, if you want to!

Heres mine:

Take your time and try to say each sentance out loud in less than forty seconds. The average person can't
Now go back and read each third word from top down
:p

"I met Jesus on the bus the other day."

"Really?"

"Yeah. He told me the meaning of life and gave me a pretzel."

"So what's the meaning of life?"

"Aw man I forgot to write it down, but the pretzel was pretty good."

No. You can't do that.

Ah, the old joke thread. Reminds me of the ye olde commie based one... Over run with zombie armies and such.

But Mitsur, your joke phails. On the second line you have to read 'cat'. So it's all 'This cat how to keep someone busy for forty seconds'.

- Rexy

How about a joke which involves shooting Mitsur in the head? Just joking...

I think I have one....

*Some kind of helper person who helps.....

AH SCREW IT. I can't do any good jokes for the life of me :P.

Were you talkin to me or mitsur?

ok here it goes
these 2 guys go to a car dealer saying they want to buy a car. The dealer says they dont have enough but he'll give them a camel. They come back the next day claiming the dealer has given them an unatural,unhealthy, and ugly thing. They say while turning someone looked at them and said "look at the 2 asses on the camel."

"Knock Knock."

"Who's there?"

"Your husband died in Vietnam."

"Your husband died in Vietnam who?"

"I'm very sorry."

Okay NOW I got one.

One day I was walking my dog who saw a lizard who was watching an alligator that was swimming across the lake which was also being watched by a golfer who saw me walking my dog who saw a lizad who was watching an alligator that was swimming across the lake which was also being watched by a golfer who saw walking my dog who saw a lizard who-*Your head asplode here*.


In other news. A video game actually made me cry because of it's sheer diificulty today >_>....

I want to know what video game made you weep! Tell me now!

Donkey Kong Countrey 2. There is a level called Animal Antics and JESUS..... I don't want to talk about it *fetal position*..

Kimon-Thank you! At least someone here knows what a FUNNY joke is. My life is forever enriched by the knowing of that joke.

Why did the dead baby cross the road?

It was stapled to the chicken.

Why did the first monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was hit by the second.
Why did the fourth monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it thought it was a game.
Why did the fifth monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was stapled to the fourth.
Why did the sixth monkey fall out of the tree?
Peer pressure.


This is where you laugh.

And for those who don't know what peer pressure is and therefore completely missed the punchline of that one, here's some shorts:

What's brown and sticky?
A stick.

What's pink and fuzzy?
Pink fuzz.

What's pink and fluffy?
A sheep with a bad hair-stylist.

What's grey and can't climb trees?
A car park/parking lot.

How do you get an elephant in the fridge?
Open the door, put the elephant in, close the door.

How do you get a giraffe in the fridge?
Open the door, take the elephant out, put the giraffe in, close the door. (amazing how often people fall for that one)

The king of the jungle is holding a huge meeting and all the animals attend except one, which one doesn't?
The giraffe, he's still in the fridge.

You're walking through the jungle and you come to a river which is the home of several large man-eating crocodiles. The river's deep, there's no bridge or boat, no trees overhang the river and the crocodiles have been known to eat anyone who so much as paddles in their river. How do you get across?
Swim: the crocodiles are all at the meeting with the king of the jungle.


Thank you for your time, please beg for more now.

That monkey joke is way funnier when told with koalas.

EVERYTHING is funnier when it involves koalas. Especially if it's being told by an Australian.

Watching a family of Australians be amazed by a squirrel is equally as funny :D.

What's better than having sex with an eight year old chinese boy?















NOTHING!

I bet noone expected that one from me.

Wow, that wasn't even funny...

*Edit's out*

Now back to your scheduled programming.

Keeping with the same... thing...


A boy and a pedophile are out at night, walking towards the forest.

The boy says, "It's dark! I don't like it! I'm scared!"

The pedophile says, "You're scared! I've got to walk back out of here on my own!"

Here's some of my fabvorite Helen Keller Jokes:

Why did Helen Keller's dog run away?
Answer: You would run away too if your name was "ARRRRRAHHHHHHHARAHHHHH!"

How did Helen Keller's parents punish her?
Answer: They rearranged her bedroom furniture.

Why could Helen Keller only maturbate with one hand?
Answer: She needed the other hand to interpret her sounds.

Been there, done that.

I actually sent out a travel news email to my friends with the title: "Number of squirrels seen in life up to 20/08/05: 2; up to 21/08/05: 24". We're just not used to seeing urban vermin that are actually cute. Possums are evil little creatures.

I love possums, when we used to have them around the bush here, thoug hthey are naughty. And at night, they make very scary hissing sounds, like The Exorcist: Possum.

And then our old next door neighbour either shot them or caught them in a trap and skinned them. The end.

Why did the sloth cross the road? It didn't, because it's a big fat lazy ****.

Now that's optimism.

Here's a funny thing.

A woman is giving birth in a hospital.
As soon as the baby breaches the doctor grabs it and violently tosses it up into a large ceiling fan, splattering all present in baby gore.
The woman starts freaking out and screams "WHY THE **** DID YOU DO THAT?!?!?"
The doctor says, "Jesus, lady, it was already dead!"

Somehow I don't think that definition applies to this thread. At all.

A man is delivering computers to a red neck town . Hes thirsty , so he pulls into a bar , for a drink . Hes having a quiet gin , when a nerdy looking person comes in , and the bartender grabs a shotgun , and blows the nerd away . " Why the hell did you do that! " the guy asked . " Weve got a nerd restriction in this town , and kill them on site! " The bartender replies . So the guys back on the road , when all the computers fall out the back of the truck , and soon heaps of nerds are swarming all over them . The guy pulls out a shotgun , and starts blowing them left right and center . A cop comes up and says " what the hell are you doing! " . " Well , i thought killing nerds was legal here! " the guy says.

" Yeah , but you cant bait 'em! "