sim's oddessy
well, I used to write stories, they weren't very successful, so I figugred i'd write some more, but each chapters shorter. please tell me your thoughts, and enjoy. :D
Sim: the liquid of life, shows us our death we were walking through the dence jungle, our throughts were parched, I wondered why I was doing this, was I a traitor? we we helping the industrailists? was I helpinging the industrailists destroy our planet, when I could fight back? I didn't know, I didn't care. I just wanted a water. then we saw it, the lake, teeming with all sorts of wildlife. then i heared gun fire....I was relieved to see it was just Ruzz, shooting at nearby zap flies for the sake of it, and then I saw the look of dissaproval of Sahe's face. maybe this was a mistake, I looked at Ruzz, and his brother Buzz (sligs are great at naiming aren't they?), the big bro, peering through the bushes. we kept walking for a while, and then ran towards the waterwhole, with cries of joy. then it happened, at first I thought it was a mudokon tribe (Sahe obvously thought that too, by the happy look of his face), but I was wrong, we were wrong. I heared the screetches behind us, we turned around. I tried to scream, but my throaght was too dry. we were all parched, leaked of our energy, and seeing a heard of scrabs gave no joy to our eyes. don't worry, i'll write the back story in the chapter after the next, I hope everyone likes it. :D |
I like it it's pretty good.
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Interesting but you should have really wrote the backstory first. Cause the ending was kinda confusing. Also capitalizing "i" and letters after periods is critical to a good story. Other than that.....Shweet.
( God you're getting info from a guy who has like 2 unssucsesful fanfics :p ) |
It's really good so far, but like metroixer said you should capitalize "I" when reffering to self as in the first person. But it's only the first chapter so, yea... good work so far.
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thanks guys. :D
ok, i'll cap. then now. ;) also, well i was going to put it in the same chapter, but i figured i'd separate the chpater into 3 chapters so it's easier to read. i'll make another chapter soon. ;) |
Oh one more thing I forgot to add. Capitalize the beggining lettters of your character names.
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Other than all that great story.
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Ruzz: time to make scrab cakes!
Sim's jaw dropped (coward), Sahe looked like he wa going to vomit (pathetic), i just laughed, Buzz didn't even do that, he was already shooting them. but i had time to think, why were these pathetic cake here? in the middle of this hell whole of a jungle, it was simple, one of them tupid drivers must of crashed his truck, letting lose of bunch of scrabs that were being brought to some slaughterhouse (probably rapture farms), they must of surved this horrible place, and become tougher from it, these scrabs were gonna be tough! Sim wasn't shaking any more, but dogding the 3 scrabs, and stabbing them with his tiny spear, while sahe was refusing to fight them at all (stupid hippie!), and was hiding in a tree, with 2 scrabs underneath him, buzz had all ready killed half of them, but there were 2 left for me. (it's kinda fortunate how these scrabs breed and grow soo fast, more for us to kill!). I luaghed, and pulled out my trusty gun, they both howeled, looked at each other (I wasn't sure if they were gonna kill each other or not, guess they wouldn't, and I couldn't risk it), I pulled out my gun, and shot the first one repeatedly, the 2nd lurched towards me, I gasped, then shot it to the ground, it fell foward just in front of me. but then the biggest one appeared (obviosly the leader), it was courved with giangantic muscles (it's brain not being one of them). Buzz saw it too, he wanted to kill it, but so did I (but there was something repectable about this creature), Buzz looked at it, then looked at me, then looked at the ground, as a nearby scrab plunged it's beak into his stomach, he fell to the ground, yet the scarb hadn't even peirced his skin (for once those steriods were a good thing). Sahe launged down from the tree to help him (altough i think he just wanted to steal his gun and kill me and Buzz), Sim had managed to impal his scarb, and was throwing rocks at the hoards that were now swarming in on Sahe and Buzz, but I had bigger problems so I couldn't help them (i probably wouldn't of helped them anyway), the leader saw me, and started to charge. I grasped my gun, and started to shoot, but it was too close, I leaped back before it hit me, falling onto the soft, damp ground, the scrab screached triamfortly, and started to walk towards me. I guess that's when i remebered how I got into this mess. ooc: thank again guys. :D i'm a bit busy, but i'll edit it later, I just wanted to get the 2nd chapter done. ;) |
You're not using any advice given to you. Just by looking at how the story is put together I just don't want to read it. No use of capitals, way to many comas.
Don't get fixated on getting the chapter out, it will be of much more use if you get a READABLE chapter out. Cuz I'm realy not jumping in the air to read this stuff right now... |
sorry, i'll fix it now. personally, usin capitals isn't too important to me, but if it helps make the chpaters readble... i'll do it. ;) i'm just not very good at grammer, that's all, i'm just trying to tell a story, how how perfect i am at english (which i'm not. :() i'll fix it ASAP. ;)
"( God you're getting info from a guy who has like 2 unssucsesful fanfics )" aww, don't worry, mine weren't too succsessful before either. i'm sure plently of people will read them sooner or later. ;) *edit* i've fixed as much as i found in both chapters, i hope it's good enough, and easy enough to read. ;) well, everything execpt the commas, i kinda don't get that. :( but i'll change a few to full stops if it helps. ;) |
There, already looks a lot better.
Capitals ARE important mate, in case of fanfics it makes the diffrence between a n00b story and a good story in some cases. It just improves to overall look and readability of your story. |
Havoc is giving you good info here, but you are misspelling many words wrong. For example:
"I luaghed and pulled out my trusty gun" "scarb" If you wanna avoid these spelling mistakes. Use microsoft word if you have it. Otherwise thestory is quite pwnage. (off-topic) :
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lol, ok, thanks. i'll use that next time, altough it wont help with oddworld words like scrab. ;)
i'll fix that now though. ;) and i'll keep that in mind havoc, when i'm writing the next chapter. :D commics eh? well goodluck with that. ;) |