Jokes 2
 

Since the old topic is getting rather big, i've created a new topic.

A man was digging in his garden, when his shovel hit a hard object buried in the earth, which revealed itself to be an old bottle sealed with a cork. The man wrenched the cork free and, to his astonishment, there was a cloud of smoke and a clap of thunder. Standing before him was a genie. "As a reward for freeing me, I shall grant you three wishes," said the genie, "But understand, whatever you wish for, your most hated enemy shall receive twice over."
The man's most hated enemy happened to be his next door neighbour, Jones. "Let's see. My first wish is..." He looked at his weather beaten bungalow, "...to live in a ten story luxury mansion.' The genie clapped his hands and suddenly his minute shack transformed into the most beautiful house he had ever laid eyes on. He heard a cry of astonishment from next door and looked over to see Jones standing in the doorway of his new twenty story mansion. "Now I want fifty of the most beautiful women imaginable." said the man. There was a puff of smoke and his wish was granted. He was annoyed, however, to see Jones grinning and waving, surrounded by his own harem of 100 women, all twice as attractive.
"What is your final wish, Master?' asked the genie.
"I want to lose a testicle," said the man.

Haha, funny.

But i've heard that one before, except the person he hated most was his ex-wife and what happened in the end was that he asked himself to be beaten half to death.

Alcar...

Two guys are in a locker room after their racquetball game when one guy notices the other has a cork in his buttock. "If you don't
mind me saying," said the second, "that cork looks terribly uncomfortable. Why don't you take it out?"
"I can't," lamented the first man. "It's permanent."
"I don't understand," said the other.
The first guy says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge man
in a turban came oozing out.
He said, "I am Hasan the Genie. I can grant you one wish."
So I said, "No shit."

Now that is funny!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker were captured by cannibals. The chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now we've caught you and we're going to kill you. We will put you in a pot, cook you, eat you and then we're going to use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you can choose how to die." The Frenchman says, "I take ze sword." The chief gives him a sword, the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and runs himself through. The Englishman says, "a pistol for me please." The chief gives him a pistol, the Englishman points it at his head and says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out. The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over--the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There is blood gushing out all over, it's horrible. The chief is appalled and asks, "My God, what are you doing?" And the New Yorker responds, "So much for your canoe you stupid fuck!"

Didn't you post that one in Jokes 1 a while back?

nope

Bob goes into the pub restroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms; As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak. Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says 'OK, sure, I'll help you.'
The man asks 'Can you unzip my zipper?'
Bob says OK.
Then the man says 'Can you pull it out for me?'
Bob replies " yeah, OK". Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him.
Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up.
The guy tells Bob 'Thanks, man, I really appreciate it.'
Bob says 'No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?'
The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says 'I don't know, but I ain't touching it.'

thats classy!!!!!!!!!

I got one:

Three guys go into a pub, but its a all black pub so two of them leave while the other uses the john, he finds a can of black paint and he paints himself apart from his pants, he goes back to the bar and starts drinking and eating.

After a while he loosens his belt cuse he feels bloated but his trousers and pants fall down and the bartender says

"Oh my God, Bless my soul ive never seen a nigger with a white arsehole"

A panda walks into a bar.
he buys a packet of crisps, eats them, then he pulls out a shotgun and shoots the bartender and walks out.
The man next to the panda looks up Panda in the dictionary, it says "Panda, eats shoots and leaves"
:D

The cannoe one was in jokes one, silly boy.

I've also heard the penis one from somewhere.

These are kind of funny. But kind of stupid.

A man walks into a hotel and asks the manager if he has anymore rooms...the manager gives him the key to the thrid floor....one problem...the room didn't have a sink....he decided to shave out the window...another guy comes...he asks anymore rooms left and the manager points out the second floor...one problem...it didn't have a toilet...and this guy had to piss bad! "ill go out the window" he thought to himself...one more guy asks..."anymore rooms, man?" the manager says, "Go to the first floor nigger..." "thanx" he goes....no fridge....man...he'll wait until the night is cold and cool it out the window....


So that night....the 3rd floor man was shaving out the window.... the 2nd was pissin' out the window....the 1st floor was eating pickles out the window...the 3rd floor man drops the shaver and cuts the 2nd floor man's pisser off...and it falls into the pickle jar...

the 1st floor guy says, "I guess I could say that last pickle needed a shave" lol

a very rude but funny joke:

2 parents are arguing infront of their son, "well at least i'm not a bich" said the father "whats a bitch?" said the kid, "its a woman" said the father. "Well at least i'm not a bastard" said the mother, "whats a bastard?" said the boy "its a man" said the mother.

then the parents are doing different things, the father is shaving and he cuts himself "shit!" he said "whats shit?" said the kid "its a shaving cream" said his father. His mother was cutting a chicken when she cuts herself "fuck!" she said, "whats fuck?" said the kid, "its a chicken"

the doorbell rings, the kid answers, a man and a woman are at the door, then the kid says:

"hello bitches and bastards, dads putting shit on his face and mums fucking the chicken!"

lol! that's a good one! classy!


A boy's father is in the shower "dad can I come in?" "no" "pleeeez?" "OK..but whatever you do, DONT LOOK DOWN!" "OK" he comes in...he looks down..."dad what's that?" "my convertable"...

The next day he asks his mom the same thing..."DEFINETLY NOT!" "pllllleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeezzzz?" "OK...but don't look up!" "OK" gets in and looks up..."what is THAT???" "My garage and headlights..." "OH,OK!"


That night: "Dad, Mom...can I sleep with you? "NO!" they both said at once...."PLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEEEEEZZZZZZZZZZZZZ??????" "well...OK....but don't look under the covers!" "OK!" Gets in...looks under..."MOM! OPEN YOUR GARAGE AND TURN ON YOUR HEADLIGHTS! DAD'S CONVERTABLE IS COOOOMIN' IN!!!"

An autopsy professor was giving an introductory lecture to a class of students. Standing over a corpse, he addressed the class. "There are two things you need to make a career in medical forensics. First, you must have no fear." Having said that, he shoved his finger up the corpse's anus and licked it. "Now you must do the same," he told the class. After a couple of minutes of uneasy silence, the class did as instructed. "Second," the professor continued, "you must have an acute sense of observation. For instance, how many of you noticed that I put my middle finger up this man's anus, but licked my index finger?"

An American man, a Russian man, and an African man were all up in a hot-air balloon together. After a few minutes, the Russian man put his hand down through the clouds. "Aaah!" he said. "We're right over my homeland."

"How can you tell?" asked the American.

"I can feel the cold air." he replied.

A few hours later the African man put his hand through the clouds. "Aah we're right over my homeland." he said.

"How do you know that?" asked the Russian. "I can feel the heat of the desert."

Several more hours later the American put his hand through the clouds. "Aah, we're right over New York."

The Russian and the African were amazed. "How do you know all of that?" they exclaimed.

The American pulled his hand up. "My watch is missing."

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in. The doctor arrived, examined the
baby, checked his weight and asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.
"Breast fed" she replied. "Well, strip to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did. He pressed, kneaded and pinched both breasts
for a while in a detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed he said, "No wonder this baby is hungry. You don't have any
milk."
"I know, she said, "I'm his grandma, but I'm very glad I came!"

police officer had just pulled a car over. When he walked up to the car a man rolled down the window and said, "what's the problem officer?" To which the policeman responded, "I stopped you for running that red light behind you." Just then the man's wife leaned forward from the driver's seat and said with a very loud voice, "I told him to stop at that light. But did he listen? No. He just kept right on going."

The man then turned to his wife and yelled "Shut up stupid!" The policeman continued, "And just before the light I clocked you doing 50 m.p.h. and the speed limit is only 30." His wife then leaned forward again and squawked "I told him to slow down. But did he listen to me. No! He never listens to me."

And again the man shouted at his wife "Listen stupid, I told you to SHUT UP!"

The policeman then looked at the woman and said "does he always talk to you this way?"

To which the woman responed, "Only when he has been drinking."

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. I said, "Implants?" ..........

One afternoon, a man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. "Why are you eating grass?", he asked one man.

"We don't have any money for food.", The poor man replied.

"Oh, come along with me then."

"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"

"Bring them along! And you, come with me too!", he said to the other man.

"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" The second man answered.

"Bring them as well!"

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says "sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The rich man replied "No, you don't understand, the grass at my home is about three feet tall!"

There was once this man who used to go this bar at the end of the street every night. One day this guy went he saw this enormous man with all these muscles but with this puny head. After staring at the guy for over 5 hours he decided to go ask how this happened. He went over and began to ask. Hi man I don't mean any harm but how did you get all those muscles but that small head. The man began his confession. Ounce long ago I was in the marines on this top secret mission but the submarine had gotten sunk. Luckily I washed up on this beach. As I was walking along the beach I saw a mermaid. I spoke to her and she said Oh my! Someone has finally found me I will grant you 3 wishes. First the man said I want to be super strong and have all sorts of muscles POOF! Wow that was cool Second I want to be the smartest man in the world POOF WOW! I know everything. Third he was like well man I haven't had sew in years I want you to have hot naked sex with me. The mermaid replied! I cant do that. So he said "HOW ABOUT A LITTLE HEAD" POOF

On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: "Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?" To which the farmer replied: "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!"

On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??"
For a moment, there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman" he says. He's gorgeous. Tall, built, with long, flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves.
The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the stranger approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers: "Iron this."

A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful he began to cry.

A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidently hit this rabbit and killed it."

The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 feet away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 feet, turned, waved, and hopped another 50 feet. The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can! He ran over to the woman and demanded, " What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?" The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said:

"'Hare Spray' Restores Life to Dead Hare. Adds Permanent Wave."

Bubba died in a fire and was burnt pretty bad and the morgue needed someone to identify the body. So his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer were sent for.
Daryl went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Daryl said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over." So the mortician rolled him over and Daryl looked and said, "Nope, ain't Bubba."
The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Gomer looked down and said, "No, it ain't Bubba. "The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two arseholes."
"What? He had two arseholes?", said the mortician. "Yup, everyone in town knew it. Every time we went to town, folks would say, "Here comes Bubba with them two arseholes..."

A man and his wife were driving their Recreational Vehicle across the country and were nearing a town spelled Kissimee. They noted the strange spelling and tried to figure how to pronounce it - KISS-a-me; kis-A-me; kis-a-ME. They grew more perplexed as they drove into the town.

Since they were hungry, they pulled into a place to get something to eat. At the counter, the man said to the waitress:

"My wife and I can't seem to be able to figure out how to pronounce this place. Will you tell me where we are and say it very slowly so that I can understand."

The waitress looked at him and said: "Buuurrrgerrr Kiiiinnnng."

An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.
The ride was uneventful except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a whoop so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final, "Yahoo!" and rode off.
"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant.
"Nothing," shrugged the woman, " I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."
"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians ride bareback....."

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,"Are there any gators around here?!"

"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"

"Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.

About halfway there he asked the guy,"How'd you get rid of the gators?"

"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said.

"The sharks got 'em."




Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it.

The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could. He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat.

Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.

The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another!"




Two Polish hunters were driving through the country to go bear hunting. They came upon a fork in the road where a sign read "BEAR LEFT" so they went home.

A father and son went fishing one day. While they were out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him. He asked his father, "How does this boat float?

The father replied, "Don't rightly know son." A little later, the boy looked at his father and asked, "How do fish breath underwater?"

Once again the father replied, "Don't rightly know son." A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue?"

Again, the father repied. "Don't rightly know son." Finally, the boy asked his father, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?"

The father replied, "Of course not, you don't ask questions, you never learn nothin'."

Two friends rented a boat and fished in a lake every day. One day they caught 30 fish. One guy said to his friend,

"Mark this spot so that we can come back here again tomorrow."

The next day, when they were driving to rent the boat, the same guy asked his friend, "Did you mark that spot?"

His friend replied, "Yeah, I put a big 'X' on the bottom of the boat."

The first one said, "You stupid fool! What if we don't get that same boat today!?!?"

Sherlock Holmes and Matthew Watson were on a camping and hiking trip.

They had gone to bed and were lying there looking up at the sky. Holmes said, "Watson, look up. What do you see?

"Well, I see thousands of stars."

"And what does that mean to you?"

"Well, I guess it means we will have another nice day tomorrow. What does it mean to you, Holmes?"

"To me, it means someone has stolen our tent."


Two Virginia rednecks go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment - the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. I mean they spend a fortune!

The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.

As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realise that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred bucks?"

The other guy says, "Wow! Then it's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"

An ambitious yuppie finally decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life... until the boat sank! The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies... Nothing. Only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him. In disbelief he asks her: "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

"I rowed from the other side of the island," she says. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."

"Oh, this?" replies the woman. "I made the rowboat out of raw material that I found on the island; the oars were whittled from gum tree branches; I wove the bottom from palm branches; and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But-but, that's impossible," stutters the man. "You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replies the woman. "On the south side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place, " she says.

After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb-struck.

As they walk into the house, her beautiful breasts bouncing with each step, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?"

"No thank you," he says, still dazed. "Can't take any more coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.

After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened onto its end, inside of a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he muses.

"What next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines and a shell necklace-strategically positioned-and smelling faintly of gardenias.

She beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "we've been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. I've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right about now, something you've been longing for all these months? You know... " She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing. His heart begins to pound. He's truly in luck: "You mean...", he gasps, "...I can actually check my e-mail from here??"

thats good

My God, its {Insert forum member(s) name here} response to such a proposition...!!

After being married for 27 years this guy tells his wife that he is bored and is going to the bar to have a drink.

As he enters the bar this gorgeous blond call him over. She says instead of you staying down here and drinking why don't you come upstairs to my apartment and we can drink and have sex all night. He is dumbfounded but decides to go.

After a night of drinking and crazy sex he falls asleep and when he awakes he looks at the clock and says . O my god it's 3:00 A.m. I must go . It was great but you know I'm a married man and I don't want my wife to find out about this. She says don't worry it was just a one night stand. As he is leaving he says thank you and then asks her if she had any powder. She gives him the powder and he rubs it on his hands. He then leaves to go home.

As he opens the door his wife is standing there all pissed off. She says "and where were you", He replies I was at the bar and I met this gorgeous woman and she invited me up to her place for drinks and a night of wild sex. She says "let me see your hands" He put out his hands and she says "DON'T LIE TO ME YOU WENT BOWLING

As he lay on his deathbed, the man confided to his wife, "I cannot die without telling you the truth. I cheated on you throughout our whole marriage. All those nights when I told you I was working late, I was with other women. And not just one woman either, but I've slept with dozens of them."

His wife looked at him calmly and said, "Why do you think I gave you the poison?"

Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives. "Does your wife ever...well, you know...does she...well, let you do it doggie style?" asked one of the two.
"Well, not exactly," his friend replied, "She's more into the trick dog aspect of it." "Oh, I see. Kinky stuff, huh?" "Well, not exactly. Whenever I make a move, she's most likely to roll over and play dead."

haha

An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass.

The CO says "Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!"

So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank!

The CO was so impressed, he asked "How did you do it?"

"Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, "Do you want to get a three-day pass? So we exchanged tanks!"

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side

You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"

Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.

The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.

By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.

The day after that though, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane...only this time there were two people in the plane.

The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"