The Joke thread
 

I some how have the feeling that this will be necrumed, anyway I'll start us of with some of mine.

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'It's my face cream. It makes me look sexy and beautiful for you when we're making love,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser ... at half the price.'




One day four nuns are called to the priests chambers. The priest tells the nuns that since they have been good and have upheld the standards of the church, they can do whatever they want for 24 hours.

After 24 hours, the priest calls the nuns back in and asks what they did. The first nun says, ''I had sex with two men at one time.''

The priest says, ''Quickly drink the holy water and God will forgive you.'' The second nun tells the priest, ''I bashed up an old lady and stole her pension.''

The priest says, ''Quickly drink the holy water and God will forgive you.''

The third nun tells the priest, ''I purposly ran over a dog... repeatedly ''
The priest says, ''Quickly drink the holy water and God will forgive you.''

The priest said to the fourth nun, ''Okay, what sin did you commit.''

The fourth nun says, ''I pissed in the holy water.''



"Going to Starbucks for coffee is like going to prison for sex. You know you're going to get it, but it's going to be rough." - Adam Hills



I went to the store the other day, and I was in there for only about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, 'Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?' He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres! So I called him a piece of horse shit. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner. I try to have a little fun each day. It's important.

I only know racist and dead baby jokes.

Why did Simbas dad die?

He didn't Mufasa
:tard:

I so don't get it, Kastere. Explain it and ruin it for everyone.

A man walks into a zoo. Nothing there but a dog. It was a shih tzu.

OKAY FINE I'LL EXPLAIN IT
Remember The Lion King? Mufasa is Simba's dad. He's killed when he gets trapped in a stampede so if he had "Mufasa" (Moved Faster) he would've escaped the stampede and thus survived.

Not really. Scar threw him off the ledge into the stampede. Being fast would not have saved his ass. Its like jumping off an overpass into oncoming traffic.

I love ruining jokes, and unless Im granted full immunity on racist and dead baby jokes, I'm not going to post any of my own - I'm just going to destroy all of yours.

How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable?

AIDS

Gabe. Best.

There were two muffins being cooked in an oven. One suddenly says to the other: "Man, it's hot in here." And the other says: "Hey, a talking muffin!"

I so stole that.

I don't think my jokes will be appreciated because of the racism and missing people seems to offend a lot more people than you'd think, and as Secto Springs says, I want immunity before I post.

Three ducks are on trial.

The judge asks the first duck for his name and why he was arrested. The first duck replied "Quack. I was arrested for blowing bubbles in the pool."

The judge asks the second duck the same questions, to which the second duck replies, "Quack Quack. I was arrested for blowing bubbles in the pool."

The judge then turns to the third duck and says "let me guess, your name is Quack Quack Quack."

The third duck replies "No, I'm Bubbles."

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot.

What's black and white and goes round and around?
A penguin in a revolving door.

What kind of fish do penguins catch at night?
Starfish.

Why do penguins have to carry fish in their beaks?
Because they haven't got any pockets.

What do penguins sing on a birthday?
Freeze a jolly good fellow.

What do you call a penguin in the desert?
Lost.

As you can tell, I've been reading penguin jokes from my biscuits.

What do you call am an in paper trousers?
Russel.
What do you call a gorilla with a machine gun?
Sir!
What do you call a seagull in a tuxedo?
A penguin.
How does an elephant climb a tree?
Sits on an acorn and waits for it to grow.
How does it get down again?
Sits on a leaf and waits until autumn.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
It was stuck to the chicken's foot.
How do you know an elephant's been in your fridge?
Footprints in the butter.
How do you know there's an elephant still in your fridge?
You can't close the door.
How do you know there's an elephant under your bed?
Your nose touches the ceiling.
How do you know there's an elephant in your bed?
You can see the 'E' on his pyjamas.
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No-eyed deer.
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.

The next three are of a slightly distasteful nature, so feel free to skim over them.

WoF and Pilot are having some special fun in bed, but their massive internet bills mean they have to share an apartment with OANST, who is currently asleep in the bunk below them. WoF has a vegetable fetish, so he asks Pilot to say 'Tomato' for 'faster' and 'Lettuce' for 'slower'. After much rocking and quiet moaning from the top bunk, OANST finally sits up in bed and says: 'Can you guys stop making a sandwich up there? You're getting mayonnaise all over me!'

A mother is tidying up the house when she accidentally walks in on her son getting dressed. Naturally she quickly shuts the door and goes to do something else. The next day she is having check-up at the doctor's, and he asks if the rest of the family are all right. She says yes, but she had noticed that her son was slightly 'undeveloped downstairs'. The doctor says that a common fix for that is toast. Plenty of toast, and he'll be a love machine in no time. So the next morning, the boy comes down stairs to find a massive stack of toast on the breakfast table. He says, 'Great! I love toast!', and greedily reaches for the pile. The mother slaps his hand away, and says: 'Oi! The top three slices are yours. The rest is for your father.'

A group of explorers are on an expodition in the rainforest, when they are captured by a tribe of cannibals. They are now his, the tribal leader says. 'Go and collect five of your favorite fruit from the jungle, and if you try to escape we will eat you.' The four members of the expodition do as they are told, only to find that the tribe leader orders them to insert them into their arses. If they can get all five up without laughing, they are free to go, but if they laugh, they will be eaten. The first man steps forward with oranges. He manages to get two up, but laughs and is eaten. The second man steps forward with pears. He manages to get thee up, but laughs and is eaten. The third man steps forward with grapes. He manages to get one, two, three, four up, but at the last second turns around and bursts out laughing. Of course, he is eaten. The second man and the third man are talking in heaven, and the second man says: 'You were so close to freedom! Why did you laugh?' The third man replies: 'Because I turned round and saw the next guy coming with pineapples!'

Three men are shown a magic slide by a wizard, who tells them that whatever called for on the slide will be waitng for them at the bottom. The first man gets on the slide and shouts 'Gold!' and lands in giant pot of gold at the bottom. The second man shouts 'Money!' and lands in a giant pot of money. But the third man wasn't listening, and cried 'Wheeeee!' all the way down. You can work out the rest for yourself.

Blonde joke time.

Three women, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead, are about to be executed by a firing squad. Thinking quickly, the first brunette shouts "TWISTER" and runs off while the squad is distracted.

The red head does the same and shouts "EARTHQUAKE" and runs off while the squad is distracted

The blonde attempts to do the same but shouts "FIRE" and is promptly filled with lead.
------
Two blondes are staring up at the moon.

One blonde asks, "Which do you think is closer: Florida or the moon?"

The other replies "Well duh, which one can you see?
------
Two blondes stop at a gas station. One gets out of her car to fill up the tank, but accidentally locks herself out. So, she finds a stick and tries to fish out the keys through a crack in the window.

The other blonde happens to be in the car and says "A little to the left."
-------
How do you keep a blonde busy?

Tell her to go to the corner of a circular room
-------
How do you break a blonde's nose?

Place a dildo under a glass table


HELEN KELLER JOKES

How did Helen Keller's parents punish her?

They rearranged her bedroom furniture

OR

They left the plunger in the toilet.

OR

They made her read a basketball.
-------
Why did Helen Keller's dog run away?

Well, you would too if your name was "AHHYAHAYAHOOAHYAH."
-------
How many hands does Hellen Keller use to masturbate with?

Two. One to do the fingering and the other to sign her groaning.

Proof that Used is unfamiliar with the technique that women use to masturbate.

Harumph.

Well, maybe not in Detroit where they use car parts.

SICK BURN

What unit of Measurement do you use to weigh a Decepticon?

a Megatron

That one fucking sucked, I know.

We gotta get this guy a hooker. And then pay her to masturbate in front of him.

Ugh, it would be like watching a women trying to find her wedding ring in a mound of rancid pastrami.

It isn't supposed to be like that?

A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.

The librarian says; "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."

A G N B :

That's bang out of order.

Enjoy

I seriously love this thread.

What's better than having sex with an eight year old Chinese boy?

Nothing.

Lol OANST. I probably laughed hardest at that one. Oh the irony.

What's white and fifteen inches long?

Nothing

I'm still waiting for immunity on racist and dead baby jokes.

Nate; couldn't it just have been an orange parrot?

A man walked into a bar.

Ouch.

I was tempted to put that in Moxco's bar thread, but I'm no spammer. :tard:

Feel free to continue waiting. I hope you don't have any pressing appointments in the next decade or so.

Perhaps. But that wouldn't have been all that amusing now would it?

What's red, white, and screaming?

A peeled baby in a bag of salt.

After the incident where Kerry Katona appeared on ITV's This Morning, the media reports that she didn't look to be in satisfactory condition.

I'll second that; She's still breathing.

EDIT: Kerry Katona - "I'LL DIE YOUNG"

Carlsberg don't do headlines but if they did............

I don't get why we're not allowed the politically incorrect jokes. I don't know many but I'd be ok with people telling them- getting offended over humour is a stupid thing to be offended about as it's not meant in a mean spirited way. If it were up to me I'd go for immunity on it but..

Yes, but everyone says that until the joke is about them. Then they realise how unpleasant it feels.

What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?


"Hold on to your nuts."

i kept telling this down the pub until everyone had heard it. it pisses everyone off now.

i walked past my mates house when i saw a couple of yobbo's trying to steal his gate. i really wanted to stop them, but i didn't want to say anything in case they took A-FENCE.

got that off an ex-miner.

I tell those jokes about myself. I have a very self-depricating sense of humour, and I truly am not arsed about offensiveness- nothing offends me unless its mean spirited, then its just being a douche for the sake of being a douche, with no beneficial purpose. If it isn't funny i'm not offended but don't particularly like it.

A guy walks into a bar with a steering wheel down his trousers. The barman asks: 'What's that doing down your trousers?' The man replies: 'Yeah, its driving me nuts.'

Nate, who here is black and/or a dead baby?
Politically incorrect jokes are God's gift to those of us who are white, not retarded, and have all our limbs. I think this community is made up of enough good-natured people that even if a joke was aimed in their direction, they could take it on the chin, or better yet, strike back with something twice as witty. Its all in good fun, you know.

How much aloof gay-bashing goes on here? For srs. Has it once pissed anyone off? If so, then grow a thicker skin. Granted there's a difference between jocular larfs and, say, what Dancing Steef believed. But all this is meaningless because I don't have any gay jokes to make and I love all you homos.

Also, I have no jokes about nationalities either, if that's whats worrying you. Besides, Gabe got to make Helen Keller jokes - and those are politically incorrect as it gets. At least I was kind enough to ask first. Nate, I know your intentions are good, but pulling the whole "Holier than thou" thing in a forum like this will get you nowhere ;)

Why can't Helen Keller drive?
Because she's a women

Why can't Ray Charles read?
Because he's black