50 Reasons Why Halo Sucks
 

Whoa, hold on now. I love Halo to bits. If you think I mean this, you're an idiot. This is a bit of fun. Halo does not suck. I just couldn't think of a better title...

1. The perfect fuel

Ever notice how the Warthog and Scorpion tank never run out of fuel? Don't you think that's rather odd? Apparently, Bungie Studios has discovered the secret to an eternal fuel source and isn't telling us.

2. Support for tyranny

The UNSC Marines are portrayed as "good guys," despite the fact that they work for an organization with origins in today's United Nations, an evil worldwide dominion which interferes with the affairs of peace-loving states such as Iraq and North Korea.

3. Profiling I

Captain Jacob Keyes eventually finds himself entrapped inside a giant Flood "blob." This is an obvious attempt to mock the former weight condition of Subway Diet champion Jared Fogle.

4. Profiling II

The Covenant races are all stereotyped; for example, the Grunts are always short and cowardly, whereas the Hunters are always strong and stupid. Is this the kind of perspective of other races we want or kids to grow up with?

5. Profiling III

UNSC Navy crewmen are all portrayed as "cowardly fools" in an obvious attempt to weaken US Navy morale.

6. You can't hug your children with nuclear arms

A nuclear device is used to destroy Halo and save all life in the galaxy. This runs contrary to the fact that nuclear weapons are evil.

7. False advertising

An advertisement for a colony ship is found on the level "Pillar of Autumn," yet Bungie Studios owns no such colony ship. To me, this smacks of fraud.

8. Phony Physics I

The UNSC Pillar of Autumn is supposed to have a drive system capable of faster-than-light travel. Yet Einsten's theory of relativity proves that matter cannot travel faster than light.

9. Phony Physics II

The Master Chief is somehow able to lift massive objects such as tanks. Apparently, Bungie Studios would have us believe that he is some sort of superhero or cyborg.

10. Phony Physics III

The Master Chief is able to see the outside world through his visor, yet we cannot see his face through his visor. What does he have to hide, and, most importantly, how is this possible?

11. Phony Physics IV

Sir Isaac Newton showed that objects are gravitationally attracted to each other's centers of mass. The center of mass of Halo is in the center of the ring, yet the Master Chief is obviously attracted to the ring's surface when in fact he and the rest of the objects on the ring should float toward its center.

12. Phony Physics V

When the Covenant Plasma Pistol is overcharged, it releases a bolt of plasma which homes in on its target. In fact, real glowing balls of plasma are not attracted to living tissue.

13. Phony Physics VI

Throughout the game, the Master Chief is able to cross "light bridges" to reach his destinations. However, real light does not support matter in this way--the Chief should fall through these "bridges" to his death.

14. Phony Physics VII

Often, weapons, corpses, and vehicles disappear for no reason at all. I guess Bungie Studios thinks it can creat a magical universe where objects vanish into thin air.

15. Irreverence

When his comrades die, the Master Chief never takes time to bury or cremate them, thereby showing disrespect for the dead.

16. Don't touch that window!

Neither the Master Chief nor his allies nor his opponents is ever injured by broken glass despite the fact that glass shards are extremely sharp and dangerous. Apparently Bungie Studios is in league with various Mexican window cartels in their downplay of the dangers of glass.

17. An Easier Way

There are undoubtedly female Marines and Naval crew aboard the Pillar of Autumn. Why doesn't Captain Keyes use their seductive potential to neutralize the Covenant threat Ã* la Erin Brockovich?

18. Homage or Theft? I

The character of Cortana is similar to the AI named Durandal from the Marathon series. Can't Bungie come up with its own ideas instead of stealing those of others?

19. Homage or Theft? II

The Flood is based on the voracious corporate conglomerate AOL Time Warner.

20. Homage or Theft? III

The Elites' plasma sword was stolen from LucasArts' Star Wars Jedi Knight II: Jedi Outcast.

21. Homage or Theft? IV

The doomed character of Captain Jacob Keyes is based on United States 2000 Presidential nominee Alan Keyes.

22. Homage or Theft? V

The short, scurrying Grunts are based on Utah Jazz point guard John Stockton.

23. Homage or Theft? VI

343 Guilty Spark's betrayal of the Master Chief was stolen from Cortana's betrayal of the Master Chief in Halo 2.

24. Support of Eastern Religions

Ever notice that if the Master Chief dies, he is able to start over in another life? This is an obvious allusion to the Hindu tenet of reincarnation.

25. The Grunts are Hindu too

Sometimes when a Grunt finds he has a plasma grenade attached to his body, he will yell, "Not again!" Are we to believe that he has been killed by a plasma grenade in a previous life?

26. Rock and Roll All Night?

Often, while the Master Chief is battling Covenant and Flood, ambient music will begin to play with no apparent source. I guess Bungie doesn't realize that in real life, music doesn't play out nowhere when dramatic things happen.

27. Leaving the Body

Whenever the Master Chief enters a vehicle, he is suddenly able to see himself from outside his own body, apparently undergoing a near death experience every time he gets behind the wheel.

28. The Cutting Room Floor

This game could have been improved by the inclusion of a Yellow Banshee.

29. Corporate Evil

I have recently discovered that Bungie Studios is in fact a subsidiary of the Microsoft Corporation, also known as the Evil Empire and the Mauler of Fluffy Kittens.

30. It's Magic!

Whenever the Master Chief steps on a clear object with a colored sphere inside of it, he somehow gains abilities such as an overshield and invisibility. Sorry, Bungie, but stepping on geometric shapes does not give you super powers.

31. What's in a Name? I

The Truth and Reconciliation is an obvious racist jibe at "truth and reconciliation" committees formed to heal the scars of Apartheid in South Africa.

32. What's in a Name? II

The Pillar of Autumn is in fact not a pillar at all but a space-faring vessel.

33. What's in a Name? III

Halo is in fact not a halo at all but a giant hula hoop.

34. Shows How Much You Know

They're called aliens, not Covies!

35. Quelle Coincidence

The Grunts speak perfect English, which is highly unlikely considering the fact that they are not English at all.

36. Where Did He Go?

When playing with two Master Chiefs in Co-op Mode, I found that one of them vanished whenever there was a cutscene. I ask you, who is in charge of quality control at Bungie?

37. Not Appropriate for Children

A certain AI construct in Halo remains unclothed and uncensored throughout the game. Do we really want to expose our kids to nudity at an early age and thus lead them into a life of sexual perversion? Couldn't Bungie have at least put some underwear on 343 Guilty Spark?

38. Funny-looking Beetles, Those...

Seargent Johnson calls the Covenant "bugs," despite the fact that they do not even resemble insects.

39. Selective Stickiness

The plasma grenade sticks easily to a person when it is thrown at him or her, yet it never sticks to the thrower's hand.

40. Shameless Promotion I

Whenever the Chief is holding a gun in a cutscene, it is always the Assault Rifle. Does Bungie have some sort of underhanded contract with manufacturers of heavy firearms?

41. Shameless Promotion II

Captain Keyes is shown smoking a pipe during the level "Pillar of Autumn." Apparently, Bungie Studios would have us believe that smoking a pipe is harmless so that we will fall into the deadly clutches of Big Tobacco and Big Marijuana.

42. Casting I

Why couldn't the Master Chief have been played by N*Sync pop star Justin Timberlake?

43. Casting II

Why couldn't 343 Guilty Spark have been voiced by Gary Coleman?

44. Casting III

Why couldn't the nubile Cortana have been played by former US Attorney General Janet Reno?

45. Casting IV

Why couldn't one of the Marines have been voiced by Brian Morden?

46. The Man with the Morphing Gun

Start a game in Co-op Mode, and have one player watch the other switch weapons. Note that when the Master Chief switches weapons, his first gun simply morphs into another. Also note that real guns don't do this.

47. Out of Character

The Covenant, which are supposed to be a ruthless league of alien races, also use purple vehicles, despite the fact that purple is for girls.

48. Salary Cap

How is the Master Chief meant to be a realistic character? Wouldn't a real cyborg sign on to a professional sports team to earn big bucks?

49. That's Some Gene Therapy

The AI Cortana modeled her physical appearance after that of the woman she was based on. Are we supposed to believe that Dr. Halsey constantly walked around naked, exposing her purple, binary-lined skin to the world?

50. Lack of Merchandising

...and where's my Grunt plushie, damnit.

Ever heard of one-way mirros? You don't watch much Law and Order I take it. :dodgy:

This marvelous technology is available today. Take a look at tinted windows in cars. (especially limo's)

Bungie...invented and created...Marathon.

*Contemplates this, whilst stealing a chocolate bar out of his pocket.*

Have we, perhaps, missed the disclaimer stating that these were meant to be jokes?

Awesome stuff, reptile. The nude Cortana thing always bothered me a little, actually. Attractive women in video games never wear normal or moderately modest clothing. In this case, she wears none at all. Obviously, the wishes of the game creators have more influence on the game than the world in which the game is based.

High-larious.

No...but some items on this list have been reveiled to be...dumb.

I say, this reminds me of, "100 Reasons LotR sucks."

Yea, some things were dumb, but t'was kewl right?

Anyone who thought I meant it is an idiot

...and Nepharski...is that my chocolate bar?

Your so cool.

I laughed so hard at the one about how "stepping on geometric shapes does not give you superpowers".

Question, though. To what does Number 28 refer? That one went over my head.

Actually, George W Bush went to war with Iraq without UN approval.

Firstly, Einsteins' theory says that nothing can accellerate to the speed of light, but it doesn't say that matter cannot travel faster than light. Secondly, the POA doesn't actually move faster than light, it simply travels faster than light - in other words, it arrives at its destination before light travelling normally from start point to finish point would arrive.

The POA drive system opens an event horizon which it hops through, like all good sci-fi spaceships do.

This is because he IS a cyborg.

So you're telling us then, that you've never seen iridium lens sunglasses, space suit visors, and one way mirrors?

It's not gravity attracting things to the inside of the ring, it's centrifugal force. This technology is to be in use on a space station planned for construction in the near future, which will allow astronaughts to remain in space indefinately.

Explain the plasma ball then. If you put your finger on the plastic, the blue glowing plasma within is attracted to your finger. Theoretically, a ball of plasma which is charged highly enough, WOULD in fact attract to human flesh or a metal object.

Actually the light isn't what's supporting masterchief - I've read a theory which imagines the light to be photonic radiation from the reaction in the beam of the bridge.

There is such glass. It was invented by an Englishman about 5 to 10 years ago, and is now used in high speed train and car windows around the world. It is designed to shatter harmlessly without becoming sharp when it does.

The AOL Time Warner conglomerate no longer exist - they seperated after the .com crash before the release of Halo 1.

The Star Wars lightsabre technology does not involve plasma.

How can you steal something from yourself?

It isn't a geometric shape, it's a pyramid containment field emitted by the active camoflage/overshield battery device, which plugs in to Master Chiefs' suit, which is stolen Covenant technology.

The entire Covenant battlefleet is named to aid the morale of the covenant forces by relating to holy scripture and prophecy.

No, it is in fact, a Halo, since it Halo's a planet.

No, they're called Covenant, after the Covenant three races made to work with eachother as one race.

Master Chief has a translator built in to his suit, Cortana also has one. How else do you think Cortana figured out what the Covenant were saying on their poorly protected battlenet?

This is because the plasma grenade does not activate until it leaves the throwers' hand.

The Covenant have no concept of what is and isn't acceptable to humans, and even if they did, I doubt they would care.

Oh, you got me there.

The stuff in those quote/unquote "plasma balls" really is plasma? Uhh no, I don't believe so. Plasma is superheated gas.

I was always under the impression that those things generate static electricity and are filled with something like neon so that it glows all purty when ya put yer hand on it. In fact, I'm almost certain of it. Sounds more plausible than plasma being available to the masses encased only in thin spheres of glass.

Dammit, people are sucking the hilarity out of this thread! Quit your analysis and your facts and whatnot. The list was made to be a joke.

So again, to what does 28 refer? I don't get the reference, what's the dealio?

There was a stupid rumor going around there for a while about a yellow Banshee on Co-Op "The Great Journey." I don't really give a crap if it exists or not (no one should), so I never wasted the time to look for it.

Go mawk! I wished I had enough time on my hands to counter the silly nature of those "reasons."

Anyway, just to be fair to Reptile, this made me laugh.

-oddguy

Oop, sorry. According to a classmate of mine that's much smarter than I, if you have static electricity travelling though and heating a gas and making it glow, that's plasma. My bad.

I had no idea.

Oh God that was hilarious :D

Mawk, lighten up, jesus. Ever heard of humour? You must be Halo fanatic to actually bother to dig up faults in Reptile's "theories".
Call me a bitch, but that's the way I am. Yay for all mankind.

Get a life mawk.

Reptile. Come back to bed.

Quote: Originally Posted by Reptile
39. Selective Stickiness

The plasma grenade sticks easily to a person when it is thrown at him or her, yet it never sticks to the thrower's hand.

Hillarious stuff reptile and Mawk I have a good high quality bulb if you want to lighten up.

This is because the plasma grenade does not activate until it leaves the throwers' hand.

Actually in the E3 halo2 movie MC hold's the plasma grenade for ages before throwing it.

Funny, Mr. Reptile. Very Funny indeed.
Or is it Mrs? Or miss? or ms.?

[QUOTE=Alpha]Quote: Originally Posted by Reptile
39. Selective Stickiness

Good Humor: Alpha= 0. Is there no longer such a thing called "parody", or "humor"? To be honest, you should lighten up.
*Points in direction to mawks previous post about the plasma grenades*

E3 movie level no longer exists :goof: And how would this 'plasma' grenade know when to activate? And if plasma is a superheated gas, would it be sticky and goo like?:fuzeconf:

Don't be a kill joy Munch I got one word IMAGINATION!

Someone hasn't heard of magic...

Just out of pure interest, what does this have to do with non-Oddworld art and literature?
For some reason I think this thread should be moved to OTD

Why bother move it? Reptile obviously decided that it was most like literature than just off-topic discussion - satire is closer to literature than discussion, after all. *shrug*

...hey dumbass ah... thats because... I can't say it.

But I will say it...

Cortana and Durandal are THE SAME PEOPLE!! HOLY SHIT!

I'd explain the whole thing but no one would belive me... but it's been proven.

Actually Cortana is an extention of Durandal after the whole... Catacylsm.

Wow dundrel is a girl....

*Durandal...

No he isn't female, but he was always portrayed as a sexless being. Because of the power he had by the end of the games the Pfhor reffered to Durandal as a "Him" rather than "It". Also John 117 (Right?) is the name and pin# of the security gaurd in the Marathon series. Durandal even calls John Master-Chief by the end of the game... -=Food Pfhor Thought=-

Yeah, but I have so many pictures making fun of those people who did look from the Bungie forums. Also mawk, you really do need to get a life. It's a joke... it was funny to me... blaarg.

Actually, the joke is that something from Halo is stolen from the sequel, like saying the T-rex from Juressic Park was stolen from The Lost World: Juressica Park 2.

Actually, the Yellow Banshee, with extra cupholders, and some more cool stuff, was a romour from the original Halo, and you were supposed to be able to get it inthe level Halo.

It's funny joke... it was a lie... but it was funny when people said they had found it. Then the admin who worked for bungie said "Its not real" and a spam fight ensued were the Admin came out on top... but it was still funny.

I swear there's a goldish/yellowy banshee on Halo 2. Hmmm....

You mean the Banshees you get to fly while chasing the Heretic Leader? They're indeed goldish, but with purple.

You see a gloden/purple banshee on the arbiter, oracle and once I seen one on great journey.