And Thus it Arrives Through a Vortex.
 

With a sickening crack like that of a shattered spine, the scent of ozone and asbestos wafting toward your nostrils. Your skin burns, hairs standing on end and sizzling off in the intense heat produced by the rip in existence before you. It seems the air itself is spattering and popping like oil in a hot pan, static electricity all but lifting the concrete beneath your feet. The earth rumbles and groans at the indecent way it is being manipulated as the portal opens wider, the sound of grinding and shattering glass stabbing at your eardrums. Minutes pass as the sky darkens, a hand reaching through the dead space to grip the edge, knuckles going white as the entity attempts to claw its way into existence. A horrible screech sounds, like nails on a chalkboard as you are enveloped in white light.

A five foot tall fat chick wearing baggy clothes blinks as she slurps at an industrial sized container of Coke. She smells like old spice and dog. She stares for a moment before stealing your wallet and running off in an awkward way, singing the theme song to 'Starblazers'.

The entity does not disappear entirely, spending short moments before you, in which time she does a lot of role playing and quotes movies that make small children cry. You learn that she is called by many names, among these are Seltzer, HH, CK, Shams, Nickit, and Eowyn, the last of which being her birth name. She answers to all and any other that is created for her. She appears from time to time, usually at strange intervals and disappearing as quickly as she comes. She becomes a nuisance within a night, but there is no stopping her.

She is always there.

She is always watching.

She is usually either laughing abut something stupid or drawing something inappropriate.

I recoil in horror. In the short time she has been with us she has drunk enough Coke to kill a bull rhinoceros. I draw my blade. Surely this creature cannot be the human it claims to be, and I must admit, I had had my suspicions when she arrived like a Faustian devil into our very midst without the common courtesy to use the door. Deftly, I swing my blade, sever a single hair and retreat to my lab for analysis.

Yeah, sure. Hi.

What OANST said.

Fan Corner just gained a new member.

Hi!

Hello, that was some mighty story telling.

Hello.

Hello!

*Dramatic paragraph to make me look like a good author*

I STARE BLANKLY AT THE MONITOR SCRATCHING MY TESTES OCCASIONALLY TOO IMPORTANT FOR PUNCTUATION SO AS I REREAD YOUR INITIAL POST MY STOMACH GROWLS BECAUSE THERE IS NO FOOD FOOD IN IT SO I GO TO THE FRIDGE AND GET SOME SALAMIS BECAUSE I LIKE SALAMIS EVEN THOUGH MY DOCTOR SAYS TO LAY OFF THE SALAMIS BECAUSE THEY MAKE ME GAIN THE WEIGHT SO AS I AM NOM NOMING ON THE SALAMIS I DECIDE TO POST ABOUT WHAT I DO ALL THE TIME SO HERE WE GO ANYWAY THATS PRETTY MUCH IT IM GLAD YOUR HERE IT WILL BE LOTS OF FUN TO READ YOUR POSTS BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY SO SMART YOU KNOW A LOT ABOUT WORDS AND STUFF THATS SO COOL DO YOU LOVE ABE BECAUSE I LOVE ABE BUT NOT AS MUCH AS I LOVE STEEF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*quietly reads over all replies at once* Oh wow. I didn't expect this much of a response. Most forums I've been to ignored me when I did this. I apologies, the beginning paragraph has become somewhat of a ritual for me. Don't let it fool you, I am not a serious person. In fact, it takes a lot of effort for me to not answer everything with an image I found somewhere on the internet.


The Stranger made me a closet furry. Because he is phenomenally attractive for a camel monkey, and I hate monkeys. Just goes to show why he made me a closet furry.

Come out of the closet and grab monkeys life by the balls then :).

I would, but I'm too poor to buy a fursuit.

Oh, and by the way, I'd like to apologies in advance if I post like a maniac for a while, but I noticed there is a twenty post minimum to start a roleplay, and it doesn't look like anyone else will start one. So yeah, I'll be like a swarm of mosquitoes for a little while.

Just make sure you always have something to actually say and that shouldn't be a problem.

Be warned that posts in Welcomes & Birthdays don't count though.

Yeah, just spam crap.

Meaningful crap.

We like to use these threads to spam into so its fun for everyone, kind of like a circle jerk; everyone squirts in some of their substance.

I'll bet Stranger wouldn't have turned you to a furry if he'd have had a baboon ass.

I'd tap a Baboon's ass, and I'm not even a furry.

Prude.

You're right, I AM a prude, you don't even know.

And what would you use to tap this swollen ass with? A pool skimmer?

Yes, then I would laugh maniacally and a million innuendos will cry out in unison before returning to blissful sweet silence.

Do I detect a Futurama reference?

Who?

I want to kill a baboon.

I want to make it cry, and bleed, and shriek in agony. I will stab it with it's own freakish teeth, then leave it to bleed to death, limbless and eyeless and writhing on the African Savannah. On it's children I will plant a deadly baboon virus to kill all baboons, mandrills, and chimpanzees. They will be wiped out in an instant, and I will dance on Jane Goodalls grave.


But either way. I'm the most prudish person in existence, so don't worry. I'm seventeen and in college, yet I've never had a drink, never done drugs, never been kissed, hugged, or held, and never dated anyone that lived in the same state. Well, I suppose I'm only prudish in the physical sense, 4chan poisoned me long ago.

I can't really explain it properly without you right beside me, but I do this thing when I read something I find really stupid/gross/inane with my mouth. I sort of spit, and try to catch it with my lower jaw. I am usually significantly succesful.

You have just made my screen stained with angry Canadian Spittle. For this I will hate you for all time.

And I thought that my previous dislike was unparalleled.

It's pretty clear that A) You're trying way, way WAY too hard. B) You have some horrid obsession with writing diatribes about bones splitting or somesuch, and C) You're just generally a weirdo fucker. I'm the king of Weirdo fuckers around here, and you just come tromping in, throwing this shit around.

I should mention that if you want to be part of our 'OWF Clique' then there is an initiation procedure.......... but you probably don't want that, and plus, I always have a hard time telling the newbies about it anyway.

Don't worry though, you can still be a member here while not being part of our clique. ;)

Well, I'm sure I'll be kicked out eventually. Nobody likes me in the first place. And no, I'm not trying, I just really hate baboons. I'm in a weird mood, I'm not usually this well spoken. But I'm sure i come across as some sort of pompous asshole, so tell me now if you'd prefer me to leave. I'll oblige, I try to stay out of the way of those that dislike me.

It's not that I/we want you to leave, it's just that we suffer a bit of elitism in terms of new members here and that you only get in outright or after lots of hardwork and non-memespamming (Hurr hurr).

I can already tell you'll have trouble here with an attitude like that honey...

We tend to like everybody unless they repetitively infringe upon one or more of these OWF deadly sins:

1. Trolling
2. Poor spelling
3. Acting pretentious

You'll be fine. :D

Mmh, well, i'll try hard to stick to that... I'll probably dissapear soon enough though. I'm a bit of a floater. Seeing as how there are no roleplays to grab me by my phantom balls and keep me around, that is. If there were some fresh ones you'd be stuck with me wether you like me or not.

And I'm still curious about the initiation, but i'm not a very good member of cliques.

Well, whatever you decide. Hopefully you'll stay and partake in the madness!!!

Do you want to know what's involved in the initiation?