Oh, is this about Mods? Then the punchline is always Hobo.
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No, I'm just bitter.
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This thread is a joke.
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Yep. |
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You mysterious bastard, you.
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A penguin was doing a cross-country trip on his Harley when suddenly he breaks down in a small isolated town. He walked his bike to the local mechanic who said to him; "It should be fixed in half an hour, maybe you should go and have some lunch and them come back to pick your bike up,".
So the penguin waddled to the local ice-cream parlour and started scoffing down some vanilla ice cream, making a big mess. After glancing at his wrist watch the penguin realises his hour has almost elapsed, so he hurriedly waddled back to the mechanic, upon arrival the mechanic told him; "It appears that you have blown a seal!" "Don't worry," said the penguin "It's just ice-cream!" |
/approval
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That's what plusrep is for, you stupid cunt.
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Humpty Dumpty has been found dead. Next of Kinder have been informed.
Geddit? Kinder Egg? You all suck. |
Americans wouldn't get it because they don't sell those here, unless you're a member of the ytp community where the pursuit of funny goes beyond nationality.
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I hate those kinder surprises. Fucking foreign eggs barged their way into our stores and stole all the business from the yowies. NOW THEY DON'T SELL CADBURY YOWIES ANY MORE!
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GOOD
we will conquer. poor joke; man goes to play the slot machine. friend says to him; "you're addicted." he replies; "I'm not a dick, and my name's not Ted." |
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DI's Surrealism Generator is getting slowly more sexual towards me. It used to be normal stuff like asking me if I was a congealing brick, but it just told me 'Apparently Nik and Mr Spoon like to fit inside each other'.
ALSO FOR ONE NIGHT ONLY: The best way to annoy someone trying to tell you awful knock-knock jokes: Every time they say 'Knock Knock', say 'Come in...' |
Having difficulty in Maths? Call 1-800-[(10x)(13i)^2]-[sin(xy)/2.362x]
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I think my wife is a magician - last night she turned our car into a tree.
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Two packets of crisps are walking down the road. Suddenly somone pulls up and offers them a lift, to which they reply...
NO THANKS, WE'RE WALKERS! |
an old lady is holding up traffic with her incredibly slow mobility scooter.
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OH THE IRONY
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What's brown and sticky?
A stick. |
There's an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman standing on the top of a 20 story building.
The Englishman says to the other two "I bet you ten quid that I can drop my watch from this building and catch it at the bottom and that neither of you can." "Alright" say the other two. The Scotsman goes first and drops his watch, runs into the building, down the stairs to the bottom floor and outside to find his watch broken on the floor. The Irishman then drops his watch runs into the building, into a lift and takes it down to the bottom floor and also finds his watch broken. The Englishman drops his watch, takes the stairs down two floors, eats a sandwich, takes the lift down five more floors, has a cup of tea and takes the lift to the bottom floor walks outside and catches his watch. How does he do it? His watch is an hour slow. |
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman all walk into a bar.
The bartender asks, "Is this some kind of joke?" |
An Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar, while the Englishman ducks accordingly.
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A brunette walks into a bar, has a drink and leaves
A redhead walks into a bar, has a drink and leaves A blonde walks into a bar... Ouch. |
a hypnotist hypnotises an audience of rugby players. his overweight, female helper accidentally treads on his toe during this and he yells; "fuck me!"
christ these really are shit. |
I find it quite demeaning how someone is the punch line of a joke because of their nationality. Lawsuit!
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Yay for cnrtl+c and cntrl+v!
A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?" The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?" Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no." The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again. "or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!" The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..." On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?" |
A man drives past a shore and sees a woman on the cliff's edge, standing and looking into the horizon, clearly about to jump. The man rushes to her and asks 'whoa whoa now, are you going to jump?' to which the girl says 'yes, and I've made my choice. You can't turn my head around anymore, I'm doing it now.'.
'It's not really that, I accept suicide. My brother, for one, was in a such a miserable state in his life that he made a suicide, and it was for the best. I can definitely see your point, and I understand. Sometimes there are times in life that suicide is the only option.' 'But, before you jump' Says the man. 'Don't throw your life away just like that.. How about one last blowjob?'. 'Well, I guess it can't harm anyone'. So, they take their time to get the job done, and after all that the man, while closing his belt buckle, sighs 'My god. That was AMAZING. Seriously, wow..' to which the woman says 'Glad I could be of assistance one last time'. The man stands up and asks 'By the way, before I go.. If I can ask... why are you jumping, anyway?' The woman looks at the man and says 'My parents couldn't accept that I dress and talk like a woman' |
A car battery walks into a bar and asks for a drink. 'No way,' says the barman. 'You're going to start something.'
How do you make a Christian cross? Stamp on his foot. How do you make a Venetian Blind? Poke him in the eyes. How do you get 500 Pikachus on a bus? Pokemon. What's the difference between a man drinking coffee and a butcher? One stays awake, the other weighs a steak. What's the difference between a church bell and a thief? One peals from the steeple, the other steals from the people. The other day I bet my butcher £50 he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf. He said: 'No, the steaks are too high.' The other day someone complimented me on my driving. They left a little note. It said 'Parking Fine'. So that was nice. Still, you know what they say... Thank goodness for blinds, or it'd be curtains for us all! LOL |
Guy A: "Can you help me with the crossword, the clue is; busy postman."
Guy B: "How many letters?" Guy A "Well, quite a lot I presume." |
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night!
EDIT: Not an actual joke but the results are quite funny to do on your drunk friend. |
I had to do it on myself because I don't have a drunk - zzzzzZZZZZZzzzzzZZZZZzzzzpoopooopoopoo!!!
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you just downgraded yourself.
somehow. |
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I've got a date for tomorrow.
10th Jan 2010. |
How does every ethnic joke begin?
With a look over your shoulder. |
I saw this on a t-shirt. If it's old, don't tell me, I don't give a fuck - it's the first time I read it and I found it funny.
"Enough with the shampoo, demand the real poo!" |
I'm posting from my phone at work, so I apologize if the format is weird. Anyway, I fucking love Jack Handey. Deep Thoughts was the only reason I ever watched SNL. Enjoy:
If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go, because, man, they're gone. ========== If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason. ========== To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" You can say, "Sorry, got these sacks." ========== One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh no," I said, "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but decided to go home instead. ========== The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face. ========== If you lived in the Dark Ages and you were a catapult operator, I bet the most common question people would ask is, "Can't you make it shoot farther?" "No, I'm sorry. That's as far as it shoots." ========== Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk. ========== I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex. ========== If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did." ========== If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic. ========== Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny. ========== To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography and the dancers hit each other. ========== I hope if dogs ever take over the world and they choose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas. ========== If life deals you lemons, why not go kill someone with the lemons (maybe by shoving them down his throat). ========== Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just call them "impressions," and if you got a different "impression," so what, can't we all be brothers? ========== Probably the earliest fly swatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick. ========== I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway. ========== I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. And since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and hand it to him. ========== Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at that word itself. MANKIND. Basically, it's made up of two separate words "mank" and "ind." What do these words mean? It's a mystery and so is mankind. ========== If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact. ========== It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money. ========== If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose. ========== To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad. |