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I can't stand shaving anything.

I have a huge blonde tail running right down my chest. Its rather attractive if I don't say so myself. I believe the word for it is 'sagittal' chest hair, like that of a centaur.

I then have a darker brown peck hair.

My leg hair is then just a blonde THICK carpet, makes me look somewhat like a minotaur, I'll give you that.

Then my red beard is like that of a goat, somewhat spiked and my head hair's a massive blonde/red mane.

Why on Earth would I want to get rid of any of that?!

You all crazy.

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I am so turned on right now.

Alcar...

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I have two observations. Firstly, you are multicoloured! Secondly, your use of comparison with mythical creatures to me seems quite appropriate because to my eyes there is something of the satyr in you.