| Mac Sirloin |
03-30-2011 12:06 AM |
I just got back from the embarrassment of film that was Sucker Punch. I'm going to spoil the shit out of this stupid fucking movie here, so be warned if you plan on seeing it (please don't)
Okay. Sucker Punch was a misadvertised, disorganized, mysoginized collection of three specific action scenes that King poopdick Von Buttswiller Zach Snyder came up with that he couldn't fit into anything else because of how unoriginal and pointless they were. Despite being edited to have a unique visual style, Sucker Punch is an irreducibly boring looking movie. Made worse by the fact that you spend exactly 100% of every scene staring at the empty-headed, pouting face of the main character 'Baby Doll'. Baby Doll is coated in pale makeup and blush and makes it her job to wander around pouting all fucking day. Her mom dies, she and her lil' sis are unhappy, her stepdad kills her little sister in an attempt at gaining their inheritance and through some completely fucking bullshit interpretation of how the law works, Baby Doll is then arrested for the murder of her little sister. Somehow.
She is taken to the unholy graveyard of Vermont and deposited at a Mental Asylum that never gets an establishing shot. I honestly spent the first half of the movie assuming it was just an entry hall and one enormous walkway through the whole building. It might as well have been. We're basically told that her shitstain stepdad is paying to have Baby Doll illegally lobotomized. This happens. That's the end of the movie. There's a scene with her in the chair, about to have the needle hammered through her eyeball about 20 minutes in. The hammer pulls back, then it cuts to some new incomprehensible world where the evil pedophile orderly is actually a club owner and all of the Mental Patients are now scantily clad women. There is no reasonable explanation given. It's fucking batshit bananas retarded. I HATED this movie. I loathed every single moment of watching it. It was not entertaining. The action was bland as fuck because a cast of uber-hot girls rarely know a lick of kung fu, so the action was always slow motion shots of them jumping (with just...too many panty shots. It was distasteful, fuckin' seriously.) or shooting towards the camera, which would swing around to the Robosamurai/Nazis/Orks/'Mechanized gunmen' because almost everything they shot was CG.
Oh, and for an action movie trying to be badass, it failed miserably. People get stabbed but don't bleed, the various generic baddies (Steam powered nazi robozombies who act dumb as fuck, a platoon of CG orks and some shitty looking i, Robotesque collective of mannequin horrors) never explode into gory chunks or emit blood when shot, they just died stupid deaths. And don't any of you piece of shit loser nerds whine about how super-duper cool the Steam Nazis are. They weren't. It was disrefuckingspectful just to recategorize the Wehrmacht as some shitty-ass platoon of retards who a team of annoying cheerleaders could beat up. It was an astonishingly poorly organized movie.
Way too much slow motion, too. Zach Snyder is a hack director who's on the same road as M. Night Shyamalan. Whoever let him write his own movie should be put down. It was a catastrophe. A mess. Without a doubt one of the worst movies I've ever seen. Fuck Sucker Punch and thank god it's tanking at the box office.
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