Hahhahahahahahaahhahahahah:D

An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time.
A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tell the man to return in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says: "I've got bad news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it."
The man looks a little perplexed and says: "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, doc".
The doctor answers: "I'm sorry, there no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis".
The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion".
The doctor replies: "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice".

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely lare disease".
The guy says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what we can do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis?"
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: "Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more money, that way. No need to opelate!"
"Oh, Thank God!", the man replies.
"Yes", says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry! Wait two weeks. Dick fall off by itself! You save money"

poor guy

Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.

He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"



A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing." The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trash cans.

After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face.

"This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."

The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they did accept his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.

"Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"

"A lousy quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!"

And the old man enjoyed peace.

Three nuns were talking. The first nun said "I was cleaning the Fathers room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch
of pornographic magazines"
"What did you do?" the other nuns asked.
"Well, of course I threw them in the trash"
The second nun said, " Well, I can top that. I was in Fathers room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms"
"Oh my" gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked.
"I poked holes in all of them" she replied.
The third nun said, "Oh shit."

A girls mum really loves working in her garden. Since there are no fences every one in the street can see each other.

One day her daughter came up and said "Mum guess what, that old elderly neighbour that has been living next to us for so long is leaving, aren't you sad?"

Her mum replied "Finally, now i can bend over."

tee hee

A guy is talking to a hotel receptionist, but he accidently elbows this woman in her breast.
they are poth sunned then the guy says
"If your heart is as soft as your breast you will forgive me"
and the woman replies
"If your penis is as hard as your elbow im in room 436!"


heres another one:

A little girl runs in to the house and asks her mum for a glass of cider, cause she has a cut on her hand.
as soon as the girl gets the cider she sticks her hand in it.
"that wont help" the mum says
"but katie said once she has a prick in her hand she cant wait to get it inside her" relpied the girl!

one more:

A guy wakes up and realises hes aroused sao he gets his kid to take a note to his wife:

The tentpole is up,
the canvas is spread,
to hell with breakfast,come back to bed!

the wife replies with:

take the tentpole down,
put the canvas away,
the monkey has a headache,
no circus today!

the guy sends back:

the tentpole is still up,
the canvas is still spread,
drop what your doing,
and give me some head!

The wife finally sends:

im sure your pole,
is the best in the land,
im busy at the moment,
so do it by hand!

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband
stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

here is one
 

narrorator: So there are three kids one of their names is shut-up another one is manners and the last one is crap so anyway crap was playing in a tree then he trips and falls then breaks his leg then shut-up goes to the police station.

police officer: Hey kid what is our name?

Shut-up: Shut-up.

police officer: What is your name?

Shut-up: Shut-up.

police officer:Are you looking for trouble?

Shut-up:No.

police officer:Where is your manners?

Shut-up:Out-side picking up Crap.

hehe

:smokin: Ethan :cool:

how do u guys have the patience to type all that lol

rev heads joke was the funniest

masterchielf please dont double post since its counted as spamming.

Here's a story a girl mailed me:
I went to the store the other day, and I was in there for only about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a damn motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a girl a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires! So I called him a piece of horse shit. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.
I try to have a little fun each day. It's important.

thats funny!!!

:lol: :lol: :lol:

:smokin: Ethan :cool:

An engineer dies and reports to hell. Pretty soon, the engineer becomes dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer: "So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies: "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies: "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan says: "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God says: "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers: "Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"

A woman walked into a male doctors room..

"Do you mind if i numb your breasts" The doctor said

"No" The woman replied

"num num num num num num num num" He said
:D :D :D

A guy is drinkin in a bar, when he gets into a conversation with a woman. Before you know they end up bsck at his place in his bed.
While their doin it, lo and behold, she has a siezure. She shakin twitchin, the whole thing. This man is not the sharpest kinfe in the drawer, so he think its just part of the whole thing, and exclaims, "this is the best sex i ever had!" So he fifishes, and for about 20 minites afterward shes still having the siezure. The guy gets worried so he takes her to the ER. He runs up to the front desk and says"I think her orgasms stuck."