It's good! I feel the suspense building up for the end...
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This story actually holds my attention, i'm shocked your losing interest. but i know how you feel, the first story you write is always the favorite. when i try to write a different story, i still much rather be working on TOAMM. which is why i never bothered entering the fanfic competition. I know it's not the greatest fanfic, but you have to try to see it through to the end.
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I think we all have this problem after we write our first story... It's never quite the same next time. When I wrote the first MM, I was completely ecstatic (Let me know if I'm not using that right) and couldn't wait to wirte the next chapter and feel that same feeling. Around the end it felt more like a burden, but when you let it off, it becomes enourmus satisfaction. Then MM2 came along, which felt more like a public service that made you happy. And when I got as far as I did, it felt more like something was missing... I couldn't put my finger on it, but something just wasn't right.
On the other hand, when I wrote the competetion entry, nothing seemed gone. Everything I wanted was there, just not the same materials as before, if you know what I mean. Something about it was exceptional. Maybe this is an expiremental story. "Radical succes" is my evaluation if that is the case. At least for the time being. Considering that you've already written the chapters, I see no reason why you shouldn't continue, and I sincerely apologize for being late as well.:D |
i agree with everything you've said, Oddey, especially your first paragraph. that's exactly how i felt, too. its the same reason why i won't make a story-like prequel to Glory Slig, as i fear i may ruin the original by making something not up to scratch, or like you say, for the sake of public service. you need something to be there to make you passionate about your work in order for it to be any good, i think.
that's why if i do make a prequel to it, it will be set in the style of a detailed time line to satisfy reader curiosity, and i would enjoy making it. it may even interest people who have never heard about it to read it. who knows. and i greatly appreciate your comments, Mr. Odd and Ench. something as simple as knowing your writing is being enjoyed by someone out there does indeed encourage you to continue. ----- They crept through the air vent passage, down the ladder, and out towards the fenced off vat of fuel and intense pipe work. They turned left here, and into a corridor with wires hanging down from the ceiling. It had been a long time since Joe had been to the stockyards, and he hoped he still knew the way. The last time he’d been there was to fix a wire fence in an empty pen after the last mudokon got killed by a scrab. They reached the end of the corridor, when Rol said something. “You scared, Joe?” He whispered. “Why would I be scared? You’re the one that should be scared ‘cus you're following me.” Joe said back to him, annoyed that he would say something so stupid at such a dangerous time. Joe looked behind him, and saw Crob, Rol and Muller stooped with their knives out, whilst Relb was at the back, pistol in hand. What a crew, he thought. Rol was right, any slig that bumped into them was dead meat. At least that’s what he thought. They took a right after the corridor, and turned down another, long corridor, with flickering lights and graffiti on the walls, most probably sprayed by hardened stockyard worker mudokons. They were close. As they reached the end of the corridor, Joe heard the sound of talking sligs. He panicked, and motioned to the others to run back, but it was too late. Three sligs had already turned the corner and literally walked into them. Joe jumped backwards and landed on his back, scrambling to get away from the sligs, as Crob, brave as he was, attacked the sligs head on. Rol and Muller lurched towards the sligs also, and Relb fired a shot from behind which deafened Joe temporarily in the confined space. Crob was trying to wrestle the gun off one slig, as Rol plunged his knife deep into the neck of the other slig, blood squirting from the gash but plugged with the knife, covering Rol’s hand and arm. The slig fell to the ground as the third slig hit Muller around the head with the barrel of his rifle making him stumble backwards. Joe watched in horror as the slig fired two shots into Muller’s chest, and Muller fell to the ground, dead, blood smothered and pouring from the bullet wounds in his chest. Crob managed to push the slig away from him, and then stabbed him numerous times in the stomach, making the slig drop his rifle and fall to his knees, crying out in pain. Relb fired another two deafening shots at the third slig, one shot hitting him in the shoulder. The slig counteracted this by shooting Relb in the face at close range, leaving a bloody crater where his nose should have been. Rol slashed the third sligs throat in one smooth action, causing blood to spray all up the walls and ceiling, covering the graffiti. The slig fell forwards onto his face, and pushed Rol backwards, who fell onto the knife still clutched in Muller’s hand. Crob kicked the screaming slig in the face, knocking him unconscious where he would bleed to death. Joe stood up, and felt like he was going to throw up, as Crob ran to Rol, the only other one still alive. ----- fighting again, like a lot of my stories. and i nearly forgot, i've got each character's profile written up and finished, so i'll post them once i've finished this. they give you an insight into each of their pasts, and display information like ages, likes, dislikes, etc. thanks folks! |
Quite the gritty style you're known for... Two survivors... Will they give up or continue? Are they to escape? Will they be gunned down too? Or will the free-fire zone prove to much for them? All to be answered in time I hope.
We all need encouragement, no matter how much we rage on about writing it for the fun of it. That fun is amplified when others read it and grant you their words of wisdom. Fun is best served shared. |
Ouch! Good chapter :)
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tar folks. and Oddey, there's no need for an apology, chap. you visit in your own time, i know what its like to feel obligated to read something.
----- Joe looked at the carnage all around him; The two dead sligs lay with their throats slashed in a pool of blood, the other unconscious with a gory mess protruding from the wounds in his stomach. Relb lay flat on his stomach with no face, and Muller on his back, dead eyes staring above and reflecting the flickering lights. Joe knelt next to Rol, and asked him, “Where are you hurt?” “My…my back. I think…I think I’ve landed on Mullers knife.” He said slowly, staring up at the blood splattered ceiling. Joe tried to lift him, but he yelled out, and so left him. “Is it lodged in your spine? Can you feel your legs?” Crob asked, face stricken with worry. “I don’t…know” Rol answered, frowning. “Try and move your toes, Rol. Come on, move your toes.” Crob said quickly. Joe had never seen him like this. “I…cant…jeez.” He stuttered. “Oh no. Its in his spine. Its in his spine, Joe. What are we gonna do?” Crob repeated under his breath, clearly panicking and rubbing his face. “Calm down. Lets just concentrate on helping Rol.” Joe said, with a level head. “There’s…one thing you…can do for me.” Rol said, with a slight smile. “Give me a fag.” “Sure Rol! Where are they?” Joe asked, trying not to think about the possibility that this could be the last time he ever spoke to Rol. “They’re tucked…in…behind me.” He said, closing his eye’s. “Ok, this might hurt.” Joe said as he lifted Rol slightly to get to the pack of cigarettes tucked in behind his loincloth. He pulled out the ‘Lungbuster’s’ packet, and drew one out. He lit it with the lighter inside the packet, and put it between Rol’s lips. “Thanks pal.” He said, slurring his speech slightly. “Do you…want one?” He asked Crob, whilst the fag stuck out between his lips. “I’ve told ya’, I don’t smoke…you dumb bastard.” Crob joked, now slightly calmer than he was before. A smile played on Rol’s lips, and he opened his eyes again. “You probably…wanted me to die…didn’t ya’…Joe?” Rol asked Joe, his eyes starting to look vacant. “What?! No! I would nev-” Joe began. “I know we haven’t…always seen eye to eye, and…that I’ve took the piss…out of you and…been pretty spiteful at times…but I’ve always seen…you as a friend. Please, please…don’t forget me.” Rol said slowly. “I wont.” Joe said, tears in his eye’s. “It was a good…plan, Joe. Don’t…blame yourself.” Rol commented. Joe tried to say ‘thankyou’, but he couldn’t get the words out for this lump in his throat. “Did I do well?” Rol asked, looking at their faces. “You did brilliant, mate! You took out two sligs!” Crob reassured. “Better than me.” Joe said, ashamed of himself. “You’re the…brains of the operation…we’re the…fighters. You…did good.” Rol said. “Go.” He said, suddenly looking more alert. “What?” Crob said in disbelief. “Go! They’ll be…more of them bastards soon! Just…go!” Rol demanded. “He’s right.” Joe said. As hard as it was to say, it had to be said, and if Rol was in his position, he would have done the same. “Right.” Crob said, standing up and looking lost. “See ya’.” Rol said. Rol laughed, and then spluttered. It went against everything Joe knew to leave Rol dying, but there was no use all of them ending the same way. No matter how cold it sounded. Joe stood up, not saying a word, not daring to speak in case his voice wavered. He knew no matter how many times Rol may have been cruel to him, or no matter how much he may have been lacking in morals, he just knew that if Rol saw him upset, it would tear his conscience in half. “Follow me.” Joe managed to say to Crob. ----- MEH i had to rewrite some of this chapter, as it just didn't flow well and some things were bogged down with unnecessary details. this should read better now, though. i honestly don't know what i was on when i wrote this in 2008, because i need to majorly redo the ending, that's for sure; its terrible, to put it simply. thanks for reading. |
I really liked that chapter. It was.. uh.. good. :P Really good!
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Almost stereotyped, but the tasteful kind.:D
Sometimes you'll do something that seemed like a good idea at the time. At least with writing you can undo it easier.:D |
righto, i think its about time i finished this.
i did some major editing to the ending, but i'm not sure what to think of it. critics welcome. --- Crob picked up the pistol with his bloody hands, taking it from Relb’s dead fingers. The only thing stopping himself from giving up was Crob. He’d led nearly all of his friends to their deaths due to his less than adequate plan and dream of freedom. But there was only one way to go, now. Forwards. Joe picked up one of the fallen rifles from the dead and dying sligs and led the way. They walked in silence, and even though their bodies were coursing with adrenaline, they made no sound. Joe led Crob down another corridor, and passed a metal sign reading ‘Stockyards’. He turned left and then right, and eventually reached a metal door. Joe turned to Crob and said, “Right, this is it. Whatever's out there, we’ve gotta’ get past it and get to the free-fire zone. Then we’re free. You ready?” Joe looked into Crob’s eyes in the dim light. They were filled with terror and excitement. He put his hand on Crob’s shoulder and repeated, “Ready?” “Yeah. Lets get it over and done with.” Crob said, a slight tremble in his voice. Joe was petrified, but seemed to be keeping a level head. He wasn’t about to question this fact, and decided to go on before he drowned in the sea of danger they were attempting to traverse. They had to reach the free-fire zone. Joe opened the door, and expected to see a whole platoon of sligs waiting for him, making him bullet fodder, but he saw nothing but fences and barbed wire for a good distance. The only way through the stockyards was narrow, metal walkways, perched above the pens. The pens contained various different animals awaiting their inevitable doom, and this anxious waiting made them more vicious than natural. The dark night sky was the backdrop to this scene, and consisted of a number of different moons, silhouetting a row of four legged towers stretching out into the distance, to which use they were, Joe did not know. The open doorway was a few feet above the walkway, and so Joe and Crob jumped down. The walkway was old and rusted, and had patches of moss growing on it’s surface. Joe noticed they were above a pen full of paramites. Their webbing covering the wire mesh fence and corners. Then Joe heard a growl. He and Crob looked behind them to see three slogs sat next to their master: a sleeping slig. The slig suddenly woke up, and Joe and Crob froze. The slig sat bolt upright, seeing the two mudokons, and scrambled for his gun lying beside him, shouting, “Get ‘em! Kill ‘em!” The slogs immediately gave chase to them, and Joe and Crob’s quick reactions were the only things that saved their skin. They heard shots fired from behind them as they ran along the walkway towards the end of the stockyards, and the beginning of the free-fire zone. Joe felt bullets pass his body, zipping past with streaks of cold, night air. “Don’t stop running!” Joe shouted to Crob, just behind him, quite breathless. The slogs continued to chase them, barking in a violent frenzy, hoping they could catch their prey and rip them limb from limb. Then Joe noticed that the walkway came to an end just before them, and there was a gap over the top of a large pen before the walkway continued once more. “Shit!” Crob yelled, sprinting, running out of walkway. “Jump!” Joe shouted, suddenly leaping off the edge of the walkway and landing inside the pen. Joe looked behind him to see Crob jump off the edge also, but saw something much more frightening than slogs. They were in the same pen as a huge scrab. The scrab made a strange noise that Joe had never heard before, and then howled. A blood curdling sound that made Joe’s chest vibrate and his legs shake. “Leg it!!” Crob cried, turning around and running towards the other end of the pen. He jumped up the fence and hoisted himself up onto the walkway, then holding his hand out to Joe. Joe ran towards him, and heard the muscle bound creature behind running towards him, its four legs making a galloping sound. Joe leapt up the fence and grabbed Crob’s arm, his feet trying to find grip on the wire mesh fence. “Aaaargh!” Crob called out as he lifted Joe with all his might out of the pen and to relative safety. The scrab skidding to a halt just before the fence. Then Joe and Crob watched in relief as the three slogs chasing them fell into the pen and were ripped to pieces by the dominant scrab. Joe turned his head away when he saw spurting blood and heard the whimpering of the slogs as they were devoured. Crob watched intently, smiling, and then laughing. He finally took his eyes off the gruesome sight, and lay on his back, laughing and panting. “We did it! We fucking did it! Fuck Rupture Farms! We’re free!!” Crob shouted towards the night sky, shaking his arms in a signal of victory. “We’re not out of the woods, yet. We still gotta’ get out of the stockyards and find a quiet part of the free-fire zone.” Joe said, bringing the mood down. “Well, we’ve done the worst bit.” Crob said, sitting up. “C’mon Crob, lets get going.” Joe said, reminding himself of the friends he had lost. Joe and Crob made their way along the walkway, gazing below them at the different animals penned up and hungry. Eventually they reached the end of the walkway, and saw campfires lit on the dark knolls, grassy spaces and rocks before them. The Free-Fire Zone. Silhouettes of pieces of wood protruding from the earth with ropes hanging from them, coils of razor wire could be seen, and sligs moving about their camps in the distance could also be spotted. Joe and Crob jumped down off the walkway, and onto the soft ground. They padded towards a large boulder planted in the ground when Crob spoke. “You know I’m really gonna’ love it here.” He said to Joe, who could make out a smile on his face in the darkness. “I know.” Joe replied. “We got all the food we need in the stockyards, weapons from the sligs in the free-fire zone, and cooking stuff. Its just a shame Relb and the others weren’t able to make it.” Joe heard loud gunshots coming from somewhere close by, and instinctively dived behind the boulder. He looked up, ears ringing, to see Crob fall to his knees, blood glistening and reflecting the moonlight from his chest and stomach. He then fell forwards onto his face, stone dead. “Crob!” Joe screamed, lying on the mossy ground in the shadow of the boulder, only able to see Crob's dead feet. “I got him! I got him!” A slig shouted. “Was there two? Did you get both of ‘em?” Another slig yelled. “I dunno. Didn’t you hear him scream?” The other slig answered. Joe crawled under a bush just next to the boulder, his cowardice taking over once more, and waited. The sligs arrived, dragged the body back to their camp, and did not return. Joe crept off to find a secluded area, crying, submerged in his own sorrow and self pity. Joe was never heard from again, and was one of the very few mudokons able to escape from Rupture Farms. Joe was a coward, and always will be, if he's still alive. He may be hung on razor wire somewhere in the Free-Fire Zone, or he may be living fine, just like he had planned. One thing is certain, though. His cowardice saved his life, but for a price. That price is obvious. The End. --- hmm. dunno. a contributing factor to me not liking this could be to do with the fact i didn't plan it very well. that may be it. |
The End. Doesn't everybody love happy endings like this one?
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What a dark ending. I guess it was bound to happen considering this has been a dark story. Well done, this was an interesting story. What makes this stand out was it's tragic story line.
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i seem to have a habit of making unhappy/dark endings. but i suppose an ending where they escape as planned could have been obvious. like i say, i don't know what to think of it. also: thanks for reading!
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After three months the conclusion to this epic sega, well done!
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