yuck but I don't get the one with the spaceman
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stingbee, the joke is more of a pun. spaceman as in astronuaght, cars park in spaces. the pun is what makes it funny.
i'll get a joke for stingbee later. |
oh now I get it
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stingbee, this out of the top of my head, what do you call a man with soup on his head? stu! why did the chicken cross the playground? to get to the other slide!
ha, ha! (sarcasim) sorry stingbee, but i just don't realy share your sence of humor. |
you have probably heared this before but I will post it anyway
Q why did the hedehog cross the road A to see his flatmate |
ooo ooo ooo i got one!
what do you call a blonde that dyes her hair brown? Artificial intelligence :D... okay that ones just a bad joke |
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari." |
There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery.
One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!" Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say instead that they had 'fallen.' This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well until the priest passed away at a ripe, old age. A few days after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. "Mayor, you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, keep telling me they've fallen." The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word. But, before he could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at him and shouted, "I don't know what you're laughing about, because your wife has already fallen three times this week!" |
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And just for a sidenote, jokes don't neccessarily have to have logic to back them up to be amusing... 'What do you get if you cross an owl with a bungie cord..? My ass.' ~Betty, Kung Pow |
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Here's another one: The blonde enters the store, and sees a TV she wants to buy. "I'd like that TV over there, please." she says. "I'm sorry, but we don't sell our stuff to blondes." the man apologies. The blonde walks home with dissapointment. But then she gets an idea. She colors her hair brown, and the next day she walks in. "Hi, i'd like that TV over there." "I'm sorry, but we don't sell our stuff to blondes." the man apologies. The blonde looked at him in surprise. "How did you know i was a blonde?" she asks. "That TV over there, is not a TV. It's a microwave oven." the man replies. |
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Joke: Two guys go on a elk hunting trip. The 1st one's dumb, the 2nd isn't. The 2nd comes back with a HUGE elk and the 1st guy says: "How did u get him?!?!" "I followed the tracks" Said the 2nd. The 1st guy comes back with broken arms and legs. "What happend?!?!" Said the 2nd. "I followed the tracks!" |
ha ha ha are you alowed to send offensive jokes about other country's
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for those of u hoo didn't get it: he followed the TRAIN tracks.
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That joke would have been much funnier if you had typed it up using correct grammar, punctuatuon and spelling.
"Who" instead of "Hoo," for one. Q: What do you call a cow without legs? A: Ground Beef. Q. What do you call a limbless man floating in the water? A. Bob. Q: What do you call a limbless dog? A. It doesn't matter. He still won't come. :
Speaking of birds: Q: What do you call a small wingless bird? A: A sitting duck. Woah. That was exceedingly bad. My appologies. |
what do you call a man with a spade on his head
doug |
what do you call a man with a number/licence plate crushed in his intestine?
Reg! What do you call a man who inadvertently swallowed a car levering device? Jack! Why are pirates so naughty? Well, they just AAAARRRR! |
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Jack. |
are you allowed to send offensive jokes I got some good one's
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On topic: Yes please do.
Off topic: Do the maths! This guy has posted 313 times in 18 days! :spam: |
yeah, check this:
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man, this thread is getting off-topic! Isn't it called funny jokes? Since I'm a complete humourless person I won't post a joke here! ehh, wait, I'll look for one later *Edit* Man I shouln't complain! :
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A woman just steps out of the shower and her husband gets in. The doorbell rings. She answers it, wearing only a towel. Outside stands the neighbor.
"I'll give you 100 dollars if you drop the towel." he says. The woman drops it without hesitating. The neighbor enjoys the view for a while, gives her 100 dollars and leaves. She puts the towel back on and goes back to the bathroom to dry her hair. "Who was that?" her husband asks. "Just the neighbor." she replies. "Did he return the 100 dollars I lent him yesterday?" |
A drummer walks into a shop and says to the man behind the counter "Hey man how's it going, I'd like to learn how to play guitar please"...
The man behind the counter raises an eyebrow and says "You're a bloody drummer aren't you?". To which the drummer responds "Yeah I am, how the hell did you know that?". The man says "This is a fish and chip shop mate". |
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Yes and they've all been informative and constructive. Now that's funny! |
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Is this a drummers are stupid joke? If so it's funny (cuz I'm a drummer). If not I'll feel like an idiot. Hmmm... the smell of irony. Okay here's a prank, not so much as a joke, but after 4 years I still find it funny: Go up to a male (or questionable female) friend and ask them what the capital of Thailand is. If they know the answer, they'll say Bankok, and if they don't know the answer you'll tell them. Either way, you hit 'im in the crotch and spend the next hour laughing at him. It's good fun. (It's a play on words, for those of you who don't get it.) |
An autopsy professor was giving an introductory lecture to a class of students. Standing over a corpse, he addressed the class. 'There are two things you need to make a career in medical forensics. First, you must have no fear.' Having said that, he shoved his finger up the corpse's anus and licked it. 'Now you must do the same,' he told the class.
After a couple of minutes of uneasy silence, the class did as instructed. 'Second,' the professor continued, 'you must have an acute sense of observation. For instance, how many of you noticed that I put my middle finger up this man's anus, but licked my index finger?' |
Confucus say "Fat man who walk sideways down airplain aisle is going to Bangkok"
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Confucious say, "Man who drop water in toilet have shitty time!".
Well, that was as intelligent as it was funny... :p |
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Um. Yeah. |
Here's one, there's these three guys named, Poop, be quiet and trouble. They're in a car and bequiet jumps out the window. So does trouble. SOon a cop sees Be quiet and says, "what's your name?" Says the cop, "Be quiet," Be quiet says, "No, what's your real name?" The cop says, "Be quiet!" Be queit says, "You lookin for trouble?" the cop says, "No, Trouble's over there lookig for POOP!" Be quiet says. lol.
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Oh yeah, you never find fish anywhere else. And chips! Now they're almost non-existent! :D
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Shut up. ;) You know what I mean.
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I haven't had fish and chips in ages...
Damnit, it's like 3am here and now you guys have made me go and want fish and chips! |
Go on a walk about, some fish and chip shops stay open for ages. At least they do around my area.
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All of them do... I think
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why did the toilet paper roll down the hill
to get to the bottom |
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Anyway, A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling," replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!" |
i think this joke is weird but here it is
Q: whats dumber that three brunets trying to build a house underwater? A: three blondes trying to burn it! |
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because it's on topic here's one a woman is doing a the most weiredest place youve had sex suvay in the nearest town she asks a bloke and he says in a phone box she asks a woman and she says in her car she then asks another woman and she says up the bum |
I didn't mean that. I meant, your jomes are the kind of joke a little kid would say. Maybe a 7-10 year old. Anyway,
Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar when a young lady nearby began to choke on a hamburger. She gasped and gagged. One Texan turned to the other and said “That little gal is havin‘ a bad time. I’m agonna go over there and help.” He ran over to the young lady, held both sides of her head in his BIG Texan hands and asked “Kin ya swaller?” Gasping she shook her head “No”. He asked “Kin ya breathe?” Still gasping she again shook her head “No”. With that he yanked up her skirt, pulled down her underwear and licked her ass. The young woman was so shocked that she coughed up the bit of hamburger that was stuck and began to breathe on her own. The Texan sat back down with his friend and said “Ya‘ know it’s sure amazin‘ how that hind-lick maneuver always works!” |