Oh god I killed him didn't I


Oh fuck oh fuck I'm a murderer

Hey Leslie, what is the exact date of Simon's death?
As Daxter King pointed out, he posted to his facebook two days ago, the blog being made no more than an hour after said post claiming he died a week prior.

Fill in this gap.

Guys what am I going to do


I'm not made out for prison

Don't drop your soap, would be my advice.

Also I'm still waiting on pictures of Simon's rotting corpse. Or at least a picture of his funeral. That too much to ask for, come on.

At least I now stand a better chance of overtaking him in rep points.

Wow I'm really easily tricked lol that startled the hell out of me O.o bastard...

Oh, hey guys, what's goin' on here? I've got tops pro news: Leslie doesn't exist, and I'm Jordan. In fact, your friend Leslie's dead. The posts before mine? Those were from my Semi-Sister. I guess she didn't think I'd notice the random ass "Oddworld Forums" tab in my browser when I sat down to take my daily dump all over the internet. Having read through this topic, I'd say Semi-Sis has done a double dece job of creating an ace in the hole hold up of a miserable mystery. Too bad she's a girl.

It's true that Simon and I do have a distaste for tributes; this we won't try to mute or refute. We're kind of normal, occasionally, sometimes. The only real difference is that we're deliberately indifferent and down right diffident about anything that isn't deviant. Out of that disrespect, we decided to make the most inadequately accurate tribute we possibly couldn't. Again, this isn't out of disrespect for the misery of families who have lost the luminary of their life. Rather, it's a way to make fun of the sloppy and styleless editing of the childless. It's no more directed, dishonorable or vile than any movie with the guile to defile itself with a funeral joke. Basically, we did it because we care (about tribute videos). As a joke, Simon and Semi-Sis (Semslie?) and I thought it would be fun to post it somewhere--maybe even here--but it was never something we actually planned on posing as a plausible plan. We aren't ready to undertake faking the undertaker. Or, at least, it's not something Simon or I planned on doing. It was a brief conversation that's now the source of chief confusion from a delusional animal with a notably similar sense of humour to her brother and his other. After all, a good idea is just a bad idea with the rough edges hacked off or blacked out. Not so much like a diamond--more like an oddly shaped window. My sister, the drug-addled 13-year-old prostitot, basically copied from my funeral menu-scripts and made deranged changes to my journal pages as necessary in order to spark the unclear fear that we're seeing here. She's that uncreative. She actually has no soul. As with every guy she's ever met, she's found it impossible to abstain, and again (and again, and again) irreparably stained the reputation of her impatient brother.

Let me get down with the straight up facts so we can solve this crooked mess:

1. Simon is not dead, and will never die. If there's a reason he hasn't logged on in days it's because his computer is both an ass and a mule.

2. The Clark Family Funeral Home is a fictional funeral home from my novel, 'House of Clark.' The book follows a crass and angry funeral director with a morbid sense of humour, so the video more than fit the channel name. And yes, the book is about me if I had turned out cool.

3. The name Leslie was taken from Bridge to Terabithia, a story about the value of friendship and some other stuff. I don't really remember. I also thought it was a cool name because the video has you taking at face value what Simon's best friend Leslie said, a reference to the song "See You Again" by Ms. Avis Cyrus. My best friend Leslie's red-faced now.

4. What blog post are you guys talking about?

5. This is a longer post than it needs to be.

6. We're sorry to have Kastered you wrong.

Zing.
But seriously, this wasn't funny.

So no pics of his rotting corpse then?

Well.. A sincere apology would have been better than all those meaningless words.

A zoophile and a necrophile? You're just a class act.

Anyway, one of you should apologize. If not for our sakes, then for yours. This kinda shit can get you in big trouble.

Well, don't ask me to apologize. I didn't do anything to anyone, and neither did Simon. We're sorry if an over-active kid got on the computer and made some don't-post-it-post-it-notes, but the fact is that she got on my laptop, she got on Simon's dad-mom's laptop, and she also got on drugs, six guys in two weeks, and somebody's roof whom she doesn't even know. We have more important things to worry about than stirring about in this kind of garbage. Sail me away to ban land, but I'm not apologizing for what my kid sister did, and Simon didn't have any idea this was going on until... very, very recently, I'm assuming. Semi-Sis will never apologize because she honestly doesn't care what she does to who, and I won't apologize because I'm tired of taking the blame for what she does. I stepped in and cleaned up her mess, but you won't get a sorry out of me, I'm sorry to say.

Edit: And now I see Simon's apologizing, so either I don't know what's going on in full, or he's letting her control us again. Either way, nobody meant any harm, and he's just trying to pick up the pieces in order to clean up the mess.

I did actually make the blog. I'm guessing that's where she got the idea for this in the first place.

I like this jordan character.


Let's keep him.

You're supposed to be dead! GTFO!

How much does she charge?

Boy am I glad I waited this out.

I am eternal. I am meaternal, and the innocent will suffer. Big time. BARBEQUE Big time, kapeesh?

Let me take you all on a road trip and drive one point home: I only get worse from here. This is a rebirth with more mirth and myself covered in earth. My days were numbered, but now they've been plumbered...inside out. I'm reset and ready to make you fret (rhyme rhyme meat rhyme fucker rhyme etc, etc...)

Now I'm wondering though, would anyone here want their internet friends to be notified if you died? I mean, kinda of weird to put a list of websites and passwords in your will, but it would also be funny.

I'd have my death announced here, but I think that would just mean I'd miss a huge party so instead I'll leave you all wondering where I went and fearing me ever coming back.

Id hope for my internet friends to be in formed, I wouldn't make my parents do it though. As I doubt they would have the patience to figure all this newfangled stuff out.

No one would wonder where you went, havoc. No one would really care.

Also, kastere is jordan.

Yeah you would. It would take a couple of weeks but then you'd suddenly notice that I'm not there anymore. And for a split second you will think; 'What happened to Havoc'. And thus you will have cared.

And every night after that I'd haunt your fucking ass.

On the forum I come from, (an elective collective) we have the perk of routinely finding out from the work of smaller networks within our network that posters have died. The saddest part is knowing there are people who have passed on, and nobody's so much as noticed the cleft left by their death. No one was left bereft or captivated by the capitulating nature of humanity's humility next to the all-triumph of disease, murder, and depression. They weren't even forgotten--there was nothing to remember. They're a crack in a hole; something at the bottom in the dark that you just don't notice. It's apparent that their parents are in despair, but their affairs never cross over to us. I wonder how many graves of memory I've just walked over. I wonder if it makes sense to get sad over a face I've never seen that I'm not even sure was ever there.

Have you been smoking weed or something?

Fuck I hope you haven't written your novel like that.

Im going to agree with the hate centered towards Leslie's verbiage.

ugh
Yes, it's a novel-long rap about children's funerals. It's a fucking masterpiece of Machiavellian monologues pertaining to the ghetto nature of post-necrotic minors

@ DI: He isn't. I'm not as good at spouting meaningful nonsense as Jordan. He makes heinous poetic fuckery and artform.

Come again?

Oh God, no. I'm bored like crazy today. Words are a tool. They're multi-faceted sequences of life, be it stern fact or emotional fiction. If you can't find the word to meet your need, even if you choose a synonym, you may lose your reader altogether. Sometimes it's important to string together a weird little blurb or three just to take the edge off the boredom. The worst thing that can happen is to focus on finishing rather than finding a way to finalize your focus. With the right words, you can express meaningfully and forever. Spice things up, bro. Be all you can be.

You never answered my question, you bum.

I don't know why guy guys are bitching. I honestly think jordan's got a way with words. Seriously.

Havoc, I would never wonder. The day you stop posting is the day I make one of two assumptions:

1) you're finally in prison where you belong

OR

2) you've spouted your pedo nihilist bullshit to the wrong person and they've stabbed you in the fucking throat.

Either way, I will briefly smile, and go about my day. No haunting needed. Don't flatter yourself.