I have an addiction to Cheddar cheese.
Although it's only mild. |
I invited an impotent man to a party, but he couldn't come.
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LOLOLOLOLOLOL couldn't come....
Ah, now I can only think of Chuck Norris jokes and Yo mama jokes. Damn. NO WAIT I GOT ONE... Okay, so there's this elementary school teacher who told the class that People were the only animals that stuttered. A little girl raised her hand "I once had a kitty cat who stuttered!" she protested. The teacher let her talk because she knew how cute some of these stories could be. "Well, what happened?" "There was this big dog that the neighbors had that jumped over our fence and started barking at my kitty, but all my kitty could say was 'FFFFFF! FFFFFFF! FFFFFF!' And before she could say 'FUCK!!!!' the big dog killed her." The teacher had to leave the classroom. |
Goddamnit. I laughed at that one, too. The fuck is wrong with me today?
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There are only 11 times when the word FUCK has been socially acceptable...
11. What the Fuck do you mean we are Sinking??? Captain of the Titanic, 1912 10. What the Fuck was that??? Mayor of Heroshima,1945 9.Where the Fuck did all those Indians come from? Custer, 1877 8.Any Fucking idiot could understand that. Eienstien,1938 7.It does SO Fucking look like her!!! Picasso,1926 6.How the Fuck did you work that out? Pythagoras,126 BC 5.You want WHAT on the Fucking Ceiling? Michalangelo,1566 4.Where the Fuck are we? Amelia Earhart, 1937 3.Scattered Fucking Showers, my ass! Noah,4314 BC 2.Aw, C'mon, who the Fuck's gonna find out? Bill Clinton, 1998 1.Jeez, I didn't think they'd get this Fucking mad! Sadam Hussein, 2003 |
12. Fuck.
Josh, 2010 |
What's a Heroshima?
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A shemale hero.
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Eienstien tickled my funnybone too.
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There are only 11 times when the word FUCK has been socially acceptable...
11. What the Fuck do you mean, we are sinking? Edward Smith, captain of the Titanic, 1912 10. What the Fuck was that? Senkichi Awaya, Mayor of Hiroshima, 1945 9.Where the Fuck did all those Native Americans come from? General George Custer, 1877 8.Any Fucking idiot could understand that. Albert Einstein, 1938 7.It does SO Fucking look like her! Pablo Picasso, 1926 6.How the Fuck did you work that out? Pythagoras, 126 BC 5.You want WHAT on the Fucking ceiling? Michelangelo,1566 4.Where the Fuck are we? Amelia Earhart, 1937 3.Scattered Fucking Showers, my arse! Noah, 4314 BC 2.Aw, c'mon, who the Fuck's gonna find out? Bill Clinton, 1998 1.Jeez, I didn't think they'd get this Fucking mad! Saddam Hussein, 2003 EDIT: And bloomin' WoF posted. |
An Heroshima.
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Heyheyhey... hold on a tick. My post was directed at WoF's selective callout, not a trumpet for a Grammar Crusade.
Play nice. |
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I found out today that Einstein has no brain.
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Custer was a complete fucking bastard. Crazy Horse was tonnes better.
I did have a joke, but I've forgotten it. |
A man walks into a zoo. There's nothing there but one dog. It was a shih-tzu.
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Of course. Dearest apologies.
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GET IT? |
GOD, they called them indians back then, so I'm sorry if Custer wasn't politically correct!
I can't think of anything. Sorry. |
you let me down. i looked forward to your jokes. they were on my level.
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If yo mamma jokes are considered okay, then I'll post them, otherwise I'll just be repeating jokes that appeared previously, and who wants to be the douche that has to do that?
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oh no, not those 'your mum' jokes. they're shite, like the angsty cunts that tell them.
i like the jokes that resemble small novels. |
OKAY I GOT ONE!
A guy that just brok out of prison goes to a house and breaks in. He finds a couple having sex in the bedroom, and orders then man to sit on the chair. The convict ties the man up, then gets on the girl and starts breathing on her neck and playing with her ear. Then he gets a hard-on and goes to the bathroom. While in the bathroom, the man says 'Honey, look at that guy! He's probably an escaped convict that hasn't seen a woman in years. I could tell from the way he was kissing yourt neck. He will probably kill us both if you resist him. I want you to do anything he wants, no matter how kinky or how tired you are." The woman laughed. "Oh, he wasn't kissing on my neck, he just told me he was gay and he said he thought you were cute. I told him the vasalene was in the bathroom, and remember, be strong!" |
There's a place in North America called Internal Combustion. The natives are called Internal Combustion Injuns.
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A little boy comes down the stairs and asks 'Daddy, what's the difference between Hypothetical and Reality?"
"Well," says the father "I could give you the book definitions, but I think it wouls be better to show an example. Go upstairs and ask your mother if she would have sex with the mailman for 5000,000 dollars." The little boy goes up the stairs and asks her. Then he comes back to his daddy. "Mommy said 'Hell yes I would!" "Okay, now go ask your sister if she would have sex with the principal for 5000,000 dollars." Again the little boy goes up to ask, and again he comes back down to tell his dad what she said. "She said 'Hell yeah!'" "Okay, so Hypothetically we're millionares, but in reality we're living with two dirty whores." |
There was once an Oddworld fan. Everybody laughed at him. And then there was Steven Hawking. (Almost) everybody respected him. Isn't the world twisted?
That's funny. |
That is the stupidest shit I have ever had the misfortune to read in my entire life.
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What's green and smells like pork!?
Kermit's finger. OHOHOHOHOHOHOHO |
There's this really sad guy at the bar. He looks really depressed and everything, so this truck driver goes up and drinks his drink. The depressed guy bursts into tears. The truck driver says 'Oh, God, I am so sorry. here, I'll get you another drink, I was only joking."
The depressed guy says 'No, this was just THE worst dar in my entire life. I slept past my alarm, and had to go to work late. My boss gets all pissed off and fires me. When I leave the building to go to my car, I find out it's been stolen. The police say there's nothing they can do, so I called a cab. As I get out of the cab, I remember I left my wallet full of credit cards and money in the cab, but the cab driver just speeds away. I get into the house, i find out my wife has been cheating on me with the gardener. I go here, and then you walk up thinking you're SO funny and drink my poison." HAHAHAHAHA! |
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks "Why the long face?"
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God that one is so old.
Anyway, This teacher was teaching her students about abstinence. "There are so many STD's and the rick of getting pregnant that you have to ask yourself, 'Is an Hour of pleasure worth it in the long run?'." A girl stood up in the back. "Do you mind telling me how you make him last an hour?" |
What's the difference between an African Elephant and an Indian Elephant?
About 3,000 miles. |
OKAY I GOT ONE! This guy, let's call him Ted, tells his friend Dave that he finally worked up the courage to ask out the hot girl who works at the coffee shop. "The problem was," says Ted " that every time I worked up the nerve to ask her out, I got this huge erection and got embarrased. So, this morning, I found a solution-I duck taped my dick to my leg. That way, It wouldn't show....but it didn't work."
"Well, What happened?" Ted shakes his head. "I walked up to her and asked her out and she said Yes....but then I kicked her inthe face." Get it? Because he taped his dick to his leg... |
What do you call a man with a shovel on his head?
Doug. What do you call a man without a shovel on his head? Douglas. What do you call a man with a seagull on his head? Cliff. I have a feeling I've already told those. |
I really spoiled her today.
First I bought her a lovely new scent. Then I rubbed essential oils into her beautiful body and then I did the hoovering and dusting. I fucking love my car. |
Why is Texas so hot?
Because of all the burning crosses. My shittest by far. |
A guy gets a letter in his locker:
Hi, I'm Jennifer. I know I haven't known you for very long and I shouldn't be askign for this, but I just need it so badly I haven't had it in a while and I just need to feel it going in nice and hard and coming out good and soft If you would do this for me no one would ever know. I'm sure you can satisfy my needs and I'd be very gretaful if you would I am very desperate and i need your help You muct think I have a lot of nerve asking thsi of you, but i need to have my tongue wrappign around it and suckign its juices until it is dry I cannot beat arounf the bushes any longer so.... can I borrow a piece of gum? |
Good on her for askign, she muct really have wanted thsi gum. I bet she'll be extremely gretaful when she has her toungue wrappign around it, suckign it juices until its dry. A rounf of applause for her.
Look, Gwan, it's not like you have bad spelling. Just proof-read and you'll be fine. |