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What Even is Time

Posted 07-07-2014 at 08:45 AM by Phylum
So I'm still in a really bad way. A really really bad way.

I can't do things. I spend all day tired and exhausted. I've been trying to go for walks and stuff during the day, but they just make me more tired. I've been pushing on with them, but mum actually said that she doesn't think they're doing me any good today. I want to keep walking. I need time where I can get out of the house. I need to fucking do something.

I've had minimal social interaction for the last 3 months. I try to talk to people. I try to start conversations. Nothing's happened to me in so long it's hard, and nobody makes the effort with me. I rotate through people so that I don't get too annoying, but I feel like I'm bashing my head against a wall trying to have conversations. If I didn't push people to talk to me I would have no contact with the outside world.

I'm trying to organise some things now. I feel like I could do a few things, even if it sets me back. I need to do things. I need to be with people who aren't my parents. I have one, if not both, of my parents home almost all of the time. When you're around the house 24/7 for 3 months with anyone, let alone your parents, you can imagine how tiring that would get. One of my friends is having a bonfire Friday night and I really want to go. I don't think I'll be up for it though. Being around people is tiring enough, and it's around 30 minutes away, so dad can't just instantly pick me up if I start to get too exhausted.

I haven't done serious flute practice in over 3 months now. I can't express how sad that makes me. I can't listen to orchestral music right now, or anything with flutes in it. I don't think I can pursue this any more.

I don't even think I can do uni half time next semester. I don't know what to do. I can't just be at home all day. I'm already at a point where days are just a blur. Nothing happens, time's slipping away and standing still all at once. I can feel my life slipping away from me. Any strength I'd built up after last year is gone. Somehow I'm still only 60kg, on the brink of being underweight for my height.

I spend all day feeling totally drained, and now it's 2am and I'm awake. I'm still exhausted, because I was up all day, but my eyes are wide open and I have more energy than I've had all day. This has been happening more and more since I've started going for regular walks. It's confusing, and frustrating in so many ways. I don't know if I should get up and embrace this or not. It's like my body spends all day wanting sleep, then wakes up at night.

I'm going to my doctor on Wednesday, and we'll probably try this melatonin thing. It had better work.

Afterthought: MM has actually been talking to me a bit on Steam and it's been pretty nice.
Posted in Crappy Crap, Crap
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Total Comments 18


Slog Bait's Avatar
Hi welcome to my world

The simple solution to the social issues is by being productive and active on online communities when places irl are failing you. Hell, maybe even try to find volunteer work around your area just for the sake of socializing. It could be something as menial as helping people clean up.

You get used to it over time. You have to adapt. You have to give yourself stuff to do when you want to do something. Keep yourself busy, it'll make you feel accomplished, and things won't look nearly as bleak. (and by this i seriously just mean when you have the drive to do or make something, even with how tired you are, just do it. the walks may not help but you should still be able to sit down and write or draw or compose or anything. maybe pick up a low activity hobby you can create something beautiful with.)

Got my fingers crossed the melatonin thing works out, though. Best of luck.
Posted 07-07-2014 at 02:28 PM by Slog Bait
Updated 07-07-2014 at 02:31 PM by Slog Bait

Havoc's Avatar
Three pieces of advice:

1. Having a fucked up sleep schedule will fuck up your mood in the long run. Trying to get a regular schedule of getting up before noon and going to bed before midnight is important.

2. Melatonin works wonders for the above. I sometimes take 1 or 2 mg (even though the bottle says 5) and it knocks me right out 30 minutes later.

3. This last one ties in with both of the above. Avoid any sort of screen at least 30 minutes before going to bed. The blueish light emitted by monitors and smartphones cause your body to think it's still daytime and breaks down the natural melatonin production in your body. Try to relax, read a book, take your melatonin before going to bed and you'll be out like a light in no-time and wake up properly rested.

Bonus: Melatonin, at least for me, sometimes induces lucid dreams for some reason. Not always, but I definitely notice it happen more when I took them. Now you can even socialize while you sleep! How's that for time efficiency?
Posted 07-07-2014 at 02:54 PM by Havoc

MeechMunchie's Avatar
Avoid any sort of screen at least 30 minutes before going to bed. The blueish light emitted by monitors and smartphones cause your body to think it's still daytime and breaks down the natural melatonin production in your body.
Or just get flux. (com)
Posted 07-08-2014 at 11:51 AM by MeechMunchie

Varrok's Avatar
I installed it. Now my screen is orange. Is that what's supposed to be?
Posted 07-08-2014 at 12:05 PM by Varrok

MeechMunchie's Avatar
If it's night-time in Poland, then yes.
Posted 07-08-2014 at 02:20 PM by MeechMunchie

Varrok's Avatar
We're, like, almost in the same time zone. You should figure it out
Posted 07-08-2014 at 02:48 PM by Varrok

STM's Avatar
f.lux is awesome dude, it takes a few days to get used to it but now I only ever notice it when I'm in game and you can disable it for an hour when you do.
Posted 07-08-2014 at 03:12 PM by STM

Havoc's Avatar
Interesting. Gonna try it out for a while, see if it makes a notable difference.
Posted 07-09-2014 at 03:45 AM by Havoc

DarkHoodness's Avatar
I've been trying f.lux since MM posted it in the Bits & Pieces topic a while back, it really does help. Obviously you can play with the settings if the orange effect is too jarring. Give yourself time to get used to it though and like STW said, you won't notice it after a while, and miss it when you turn it off at night.

@Phylum - You said a while back that you had thyroid problems. I have to take thyroxine daily (my thyroids were removed) and your symptoms sound like how I felt when they'd gotten my daily dosage wrong and I wasn't taking enough. They still prescribing you thyroxine? If so, perhaps you should push them to re-test how much you should be taking.
Posted 07-09-2014 at 07:53 PM by DarkHoodness

MeechMunchie's Avatar
I've currently got it set to 2300K - 6500K, over a period of 60 minutes. I'd set that longer if I could.
Posted 07-10-2014 at 05:51 AM by MeechMunchie

STM's Avatar
It really is a great piece for freeware. I set mine the same and the number of headaches I get from using my laptop has decreases exponentially.
Posted 07-10-2014 at 09:03 AM by STM

Havoc's Avatar
Got mine set to the same right now and I do notice a difference. A more natural tiredness and less eye strain. Not really helping my sleep schedule for the moment, but who knows with time.
Posted 07-11-2014 at 01:11 PM by Havoc

Nate's Avatar
Is there any way to set this to kick in at a specific time, rather than with sunset?
Posted 07-16-2014 at 12:36 AM by Nate

MeechMunchie's Avatar
no and why would you even want to do that

You could always change your latitude on the location settings.
Posted 07-16-2014 at 08:57 AM by MeechMunchie

Nate's Avatar
I don't want to do that because sunset is at about 5pm, which means I have miscoloured screen for about seven hours. On most days I end up using it in sunset colours for longer than normal colours.

I only want it for an hour or so when I'm in winding down/getting ready for bed mode.
Posted 07-17-2014 at 01:39 AM by Nate

MeechMunchie's Avatar
I don't think the process really works like that. You're supposed to avoid blue light after sunset altogether. Besides, it hurts your eyes less.

But even saying that, I don't understand why you can't just shift your location a few thousand miles counter-turnwise. Sunset will be later there, and if you go to bed for more than six hours or so, the screen should be normal again by the time you get up.
Posted 07-17-2014 at 02:07 PM by MeechMunchie
Updated 07-17-2014 at 02:11 PM by MeechMunchie

Nate's Avatar
But even saying that, I don't understand why you can't just shift your location a few thousand miles counter-turnwise.
Because I shouldn't have to.
Posted 07-17-2014 at 06:04 PM by Nate

Phylum's Avatar
The point of the program is that it aligns with the sun. If it's too extreme maybe you should change how intense the yellow is?
Posted 07-18-2014 at 04:55 AM by Phylum


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