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Killing Time

Posted 06-22-2014 at 11:12 PM by Phylum
I'm still not very healthy.

Uni finished almost 2 weeks ago for me, and I've been resting up a lot since then. I daresay I'd been feeling a lot better. I was generally up all day, and getting to a point where I was going for walks, cleaning my room and just generally actually being productive. I was still getting tired at times, but it was infinitely better. I actually had the energy to be doing flute practice again, and in a few days was producing a focused sound that I've never really made before.

I somehow made plans to go to a movie on Friday with my one new friend from uni, which was cool. On Saturday I went to a school concert for my cousin. By Sunday I was pretty tired, but I had plans to meet with a friend who was visiting from interstate. She had plans to meet with people a few other days, but they were all at night and that's not really practical for me at the moment. I ummed and ahhed for a while, but in the end I went because I'm just so fucking frustrated with everything at this point. I was ok, but totally exhausted by the end of it. I went to bed right after I got home, and stayed there for the rest of the night. I was hoping to get up to eat dinner with mum and dad, but in the end my legs were just so tired that I got mum to bring it in to me.

Today it's 4:30pm and I just got up. I feel awful. I'm tired, a bit sore and just generally feel like a zombie.

Everything is totally fucked. I'm confused and scared. I feel like everything's slipping away from me. If things keep up like this there's no way I can do uni next semester.

I don't know if I mentioned in my last blog, but I have to reaudition for performance at the end of the year because I dropped it as a subject. I'll still have a place in the Bachelor of Music, but they want me to prove myself again for my specialisation. Even when I've been resting I haven't been able to play heaps. I don't know how I'm supposed to juggle uni and practice when I'm getting this run down from basically nothing.

I'm going to see a guy on Monday. I don't know what he's going to say. I don't think he can really do anything except consider a CFS diagnosis. Until then I just have to wait.

This year has gone from being everything I've wanted for the last 6 years to a complete mess. The worst part is not even knowing what's going on. Am I wasting my time going back to uni next semester? Do I have any kind of future anywhere?
Posted in Crappy Crap, Crap
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MA's Avatar
man, you have a future. you have a blindingly-bright future. i'm not just saying that. the difference between you and me is i fucked up my stupid fucking job-choice when i left school by entering agriculture because my grades were so goddamn abysmal, and then agriculture in the UK took a massive nose-dive anyway. within two years of leaving school i was already starting to scratch around for work (or further education just to keep busy), and do you know what the biggest reason for that is? other than being completely unwillingly insane and suicidally depressed, i'm also unbelievably stupid and naive, lack confidence, and don't even fucking care anymore. you're obviously fucking smart, have proven your confidence to yourself and your peers by getting this far in the first place (i wouldn't be able to play an instrument in front of a group of people. actually scratch that, i wouldn't be able to play an instrument full stop), and you have the hidden advantage of a brain that doesn't purposely try to work against you.

seriously, you will have a beautiful life. i promise you.
Posted 06-23-2014 at 11:24 AM by MA

Varrok's Avatar
I'd strongly suggest you to listen to MA. Even though he's banned, he's right.
Posted 06-23-2014 at 11:40 AM by Varrok

Job McYossie's Avatar
I desperately wish there was a way to rep+ blog comments.
Posted 06-23-2014 at 06:10 PM by Job McYossie

Phylum's Avatar
Sorry I hadn't responded to this sooner. I've been finding it hard to know what to say, so I'll keep it simple. Thanks man <3

I went to a physician today. I'm healthy. My blood pressure is low for my age, but it's consistent from laying down to standing up, and apparently if anything it's a good thing.

The guy thinks it might be melatonin related. This has started 2 years in a row around the end of daylight savings. We're going to watch it for a few more weeks, then potentially try a supplement. If that doesn't work we'll try some more things related to that.

I feel like this is a sidestep more than anything else, but I guess there is some potential progress here. It checks a few things off the list of potential ailments, too.

Diagonal stepping.
Posted 06-29-2014 at 10:45 PM by Phylum


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