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Posted 05-14-2014 at 12:20 AM by Phylum
I don't even have words for how I feel any more.

I've been feeling a bit better with my fatigue. I've been back to the doctor, and my chest x-ray was fine. My ultrasound is on Friday, so I should have the results by this time next week.

So I went back to uni today. I got a bit out of breath rushing around for a train I ended up missing, but other than that I really thought I might be up to going. I got there, and sang in choir for just over an hour. All of the standing up and sitting down was bad enough, but actually singing is just really physically excerpting for me right now. It took everything out of me.

So I went downstairs to the cafe everyone hangs out in. I had an hour until my next class. I was thinking I'd probably just go home, but I'd rest up in that time and see if I could go. I'd sit around, talk to some people. Relax. Laugh. One of the things I'd been looking forward to was coming back and seeing people. I've been so bored and lonely the last few weeks.

Apparently people didn't really want to see me. I don't even know why I was so surprised any more. I walked in, looked around for people I knew, and ended up sitting alone at a 4 person table. After a while all of the girls came down from choir too, which should have been good because all of my friends are girls. First, two of my highschool friends walked in, looked around, and went to sit somewhere else. Don't get me wrong, I'm fine with them having new friends and not sitting with me. I'm not too close to either of them anyway. When I'm there sitting on my own, is it unreasonable to think that they might invite me over to sit with them? To ask how I am? To say hello? To smile?

Next a group of 3 girls I've talked to and hung around with a bit came in. 3 of them, 3 spaces on my table. Would it be unreasonable to think that they'd sit with me? Yes. Even better, they sat at the table next to me.

Two of the girls from my aural class came in, and one of them actually said hello to me, but they also went to find their own table of 4.

Finally, one of my longest standing friends came in. I could see her look over at me, then at our other friends sitting at a different table. I thought I could rely on her to come and talk to me. To at least say something. Apparently not. I got totally blanked.

I was feeling really awful too. I couldn't catch my breath, and for a while I was even shaking from weakness. I was propping myself up on the table because the muscles in my torso weren't too keen on having me sit up. I would have gone over and done something dumb like asking my friends how they were in a really dicky way, but I didn't feel like I would have been able to make the walk across the room at that point.

I decided to send the only person I'm actually talking to on any kind of regular basis a text about how shitty I felt, and it was actually hard to type on my phone. My touchscreen is pretty awful, but actually pressing down on it hard enough was a challenge. She won't respond. She never replies to my texts. I usually only text her when it's important, but still she never makes the effort. I see her with her phone out all the goddamn time. She texts some people lots. Just never me.

After about 40 minutes of me trying to decide whether to just go home, one of the three girls sitting near me actually came over to ask if I was ok. She basically sent me home once she realised how bad I was. I guess I kind of needed to be told, but I was dreading the walk to the train. She's in the class that I ended up missing, so hopefully she'll let the teacher know and give me some credibility.

Walking to the train almost killed me. It's only about 10 minutes at a normal pace, but I had to stop and sit down at a bench around halfway. I made it on, and sat down across from an old woman. I was panting and must not have looked well, because she was worried about me. She checked how I was getting from the train to my house. She asked what my stop was, and told me she was getting off after me so I could go to sleep and she'd make sure to wake me. We talked about my course a bit, and she made sure I'd been to see a doctor etc. It was really nice until I realised a random stranger is making more of an effort than my friends.

I'm not being unreasonable here, am I? It is weird that people are like this to me, right? I don't know where I'm going wrong. I don't know how this keeps happening. I just don't know what to do any more. I'm getting kicked while I'm down. Last time I got really sick for a long time it killed my social life, and it never recovered. I guess it can't really hurt now, I just really thought that things were getting better. I though I was past people being weird for no reason. I feel like now I've done the wrong thing by not going over to them today, but I don't even think that I could have. I'm going to send one of them a message and ask what the fuck is going on. I think I'm going to wait until I feel a bit calmer about it all though. Right now I almost feel betrayed. Like I trusted these guys to pull though for me, and help me feel good when everything is really bad, but instead they just ignored me.

I managed to play my flute the other day. I'm going to miss my 3rd lesson in a row tomorrow, but at least I'm starting to play again. My teacher said I should get myself excused from my first wind orchestra performance, partly so that I don't stress and push myself and partly because I've missed lots of rehearsals. I talked to the woman across the road the other day, and she said that the flute teacher who lives next door to me thinks I'm really good, so that's nice.

So yeah. I don't even know where I am right now. I don't know what's going to happen with my degree. If I don't get better soon I'll have to start getting exams moved around. I don't even know if I'll get better at all. I just wish I could know now. I'm in the awkward middle where fatigue has had enough of an impact on my education that I don't know if I should just give up. I don't want to get to a point 2 years down the line where this happens again.
Posted in Crappy Crap, Crap
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Total Comments 15


Phylum's Avatar
Two blogs on the front page and I'm not even bothered.
Posted 05-14-2014 at 12:21 AM by Phylum

Phylum's Avatar
Also I'm putting gishy on my ignore list so that he can't fuck around in here again. But I edited the preferences so that he can still read it. By the time he's read this he'll probably already be planning a gigantic steaming dump of a post.
Posted 05-14-2014 at 12:24 AM by Phylum

Phylum's Avatar
Wow that took some URL tomfoolery because the profile interface is still really broken.
Posted 05-14-2014 at 12:28 AM by Phylum

Nate's Avatar
For what it's worth, you just can't expect people to come over and join you when you're alone and they're in a group. If they see you alone, they probably think you're like that because you want to be alone. And if they're in a group, normal protocol would suggest that you join them rather than them join you. Try not to read too much in to their actions.

That's just my two cents.
Posted 05-14-2014 at 02:19 AM by Nate

Phylum's Avatar
Yeah of course. I understand that. Is it wrong to want some kind of acknowledgement? You haven't seen me in two weeks, say hi as you literally walk right past me. Is that unreasonable? It made the whole thing feel needlessly awkward for me.

Maybe I'm just frustrated because I wasn't physically able to go and join them and ended up spending my first 40 minutes out in over a week totally alone.
Posted 05-14-2014 at 04:18 AM by Phylum

Jordan's Avatar
I think Nate would be right if you had sat there looking busy on a phone or a laptop or something, which may have given people the idea that you were sat alone for a reason. However, if I saw a friend looking unwell, potentially upset and alone I would have the decency to go over, say hi and sit with them.
Posted 05-14-2014 at 06:25 AM by Jordan

MA's Avatar
don't let it get to you. i know that's kinda stating the obvious but most of the time i found the people in question didn't even realise there was anything awkward with what they were doing, or just didn't want to bother me etc.

seriously man, these things usually turn out to be misunderstandings of some kind with no offense intended. it's just frustrating.
Posted 05-14-2014 at 09:35 AM by MA

OANST's Avatar
It seems like you're upset that they didn't acknowledge you, but you didn't acknowledge them either. Social situations are hard for me, too. I get it. But if you consider them your friends, the onus is just as much on you to go over to them as it is on them to go over to you. Purposely isolating yourself will definitely lead them to believe that this is the way you want it.
Posted 05-15-2014 at 06:03 AM by OANST

abe619's Avatar
Well I am obviously younger than you but seeing as how I was a teenage drama queen just a few years ago with loneliness issues, just don't let it get to you and I agree with Nate, you shouldn't be expecting people to join you (Yes, even if you were close and even if you were absent for quite a long while), unless you try to join them and letting them see an effort that you wanna communicate.
Posted 05-15-2014 at 08:43 PM by abe619

Phylum's Avatar
So I have a perfectly healthy heart by the way. I'm going back to the doctor on Monday, and he's going to refer me to a physician who may or may not decide that it might kind of be chronic fatigue :/ I've missed almost 3 entire weeks of uni. Week 4 isn't looking good, either. My first performance exam at the end of the semester is going to get pushed back, and I'm not going to be playing with the wind orchestra in their first performance because I've missed so many rehearsals

I went to uni for my afternoon classes on Wednesday. I made it through the first before I crashed out and got sent home by a girl in my year. I don't know if I've totally recovered yet. This is totally the shittiest piece of shit ever. I tried to get up to do a few things today, but I was just getting so tired. I can barely even be out of bed most of the time

It's currently after midnight and I can't sleep because there's a party in my street with stupid loud, obnoxious music. So much for me doing anything productive tomorrow.
Posted 05-17-2014 at 06:42 AM by Phylum

abe619's Avatar could call the cops on them. >8D
Posted 05-17-2014 at 11:40 AM by abe619

Phylum's Avatar
So I don't think my dad really believes that I'm sick. He's kind of weird about the whole thing. Most days he seems fairly annoyed/surprised when he gets home from work and finds out I haven't been to uni. I thought it might be different now that it's not just school, but apparently not. He told me I should shave the fatigue beard that I've grown in the last few weeks off because it might all be in my head.

Him and mum went to hear my cousin sing at a concert today, but I stayed home because I didn't think I was up to going. When we were heating dinner he told me I could have gone. He also asked if I was going to unit tomorrow, but it wasn't actually a question. He told me I was going to uni tomorrow. I feel pressured to go to uni tomorrow. I know that if I don't go to uni tomorrow, regardless of how shit I feel, he's going to rant at me about how I need to push myself more and not be a vegetable.

I still haven't really recovered from being at uni for 1.5 hours on Wednesday.

What is even happening any more.
Posted 05-18-2014 at 04:11 AM by Phylum

abe619's Avatar
Since you're stuck going anyway, try to do the whole conversation thing while there but this time start it instead of anticipating one that may or may not happen.

And if the person you start the conversation with is close, then venting to them about the whole thing would be perfect.
Posted 05-18-2014 at 05:27 PM by abe619

Phylum's Avatar
I'm not stupid for fucks sake. Did you miss the part where the only reason I didn't go and sit with my friends was that I didn't think I could physically walk across the room to them at that point? I don't give a shit about having conversations. I'll gladly admit that I can be hard to talk to, and that I don't have much in common with the people I've met at uni so far. I still really make an effort and in my first few weeks managed to spend lots of time with lots of different people.

The thing that bothered me about that whole situation was the lack of basic friendliness for people I've known for years. Not even a smile or a hello.

I went to uni today. Lots of people were really friendly, or concerned, and it was nice. No one made a fuss or anything. People just seemed genuinely interested in if I as ok. It was mostly older kids, not so much anyone in my year. In fact, I don't know that I talked to anyone in my year until I bumped into one of my highschool friends later on.

I only had one class today, though, and it was me sitting there listening to other people playing for an hour and a half. We were doing sightreading exercises in small ensembles, and I was really sad that I couldn't join in. My legs have been aching for the last 4 hours.

All in all pretty good day comparatively.
Posted 05-18-2014 at 07:19 PM by Phylum

MA's Avatar
that last part is good to know.
Posted 05-20-2014 at 11:02 AM by MA


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