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Hate not the man, but the weakness.

Posted 04-27-2016 at 12:11 AM by STM
I’ve always had trouble putting my thoughts down on paper. I think there’s something daunting about being faced with the blankness of an empty page; there’s an infinite number of opportunities conveyed on the face of the paper, and maybe this goes some way to explaining why it’s hard to even start to put my thoughts down to be read. Then there is—of course—the fact that although things can be crystal clear in my mind, something goes wrong in the process of explaining my thoughts and they always come out stuttered when spoken, or jumbled when written.

I had to rewrite that last sentence four times before it made even a moderate amount of sense.

It’s hard then, to clearly demonstrate the despair I feel in my current situation, and how lost I am. I envy those of you who can just put your fingers to your keyboards and write, I really do, because sometimes I want to talk about what’s wrong but I don’t know where to begin and I forget things and it just becomes a big hassle that makes me want to withdraw from everything.

I can’t even remember the exact date, because the last couple of weeks have been such a blur but at some point me and my partner almost broke up. I don’t remember how we got onto the topic but it involved some massive haphazard argument where both of us threatened to walk out. I called her manipulative and clingy, she called me selfish and a rapist. She had a complete breakdown, threw things, hurt herself and walked into a cold shower with her clothes on. The next day she went to the GP and a few days later was diagnosed with BPD. She accuses me of cheating on her, of not supporting her, of a hundred other things. Now she can put it down to her illness which is both a gift and a curse. Now we know what’s wrong, that her behaviour is not normal, but it invalidates any entitlement I have to feel upset by her actions.

I want to leave, I want to walk out and be free from a relationship I don’t want to continue, I want to leave someone I don’t think I love any more but I know that if I do she might hurt or kill herself, she won’t go and get the mental help she needs and she has no support having moved to the other side of the country. Her mum is a cruel, toxic and evil woman and her friends are egotistical, vain, narcissists that would throw her under a bus if the driver offered a free ride home. Also we are obliged to stay in our apartment until the contract ends in September, I can’t afford to live there by myself and if she left I’d genuinely be fucked. I feel like an animal trapped in a cage and although I can see freedom through the bars, I can’t get out and reach it.

I really don’t know what to do but I’m so, so tired of how things are. Next month will be our one-year anniversary and her birthday on the same day. She wants to go to stay in a castle near Wales to celebrate but I think I’d throw myself off the ramparts.

Also I have a blog right now just to give me something to do. if you like shit black and white 'photography', take a look.
Total Comments 22


Phylum's Avatar
No words, can't even begin to try giving advice. Stay strong. Message me if you need to talk.


e: Seriously I have so much free time with uni. If you need to talk or vent or anything, even if you don't think I'll care, just shoot me a message.
Posted 04-27-2016 at 02:40 AM by Phylum

Vlam's Avatar
EDIT: sorry Phylum explained how this could sound sarcastic to me but I was serious.

Posting on OWF will make you feel better.
Posted 04-27-2016 at 02:42 AM by Vlam
Updated 04-27-2016 at 03:19 AM by Vlam

Connell's Avatar
Too far, Vlam. Leave it out.
Posted 04-27-2016 at 03:03 AM by Connell

Vlam's Avatar
I beg your pardon?
Posted 04-27-2016 at 03:07 AM by Vlam

Phylum's Avatar
Don't make this blog about Vlam people. Ignore him.
Posted 04-27-2016 at 03:13 AM by Phylum

STM's Avatar
If anyone wants to kidnap me that's totally fine.
Posted 04-27-2016 at 04:06 AM by STM

Vlam's Avatar
Your family isn't rich enough.
Posted 04-27-2016 at 06:45 AM by Vlam

STM's Avatar
You should do it for live, Vlam! Be romantic and spontaneous for me!
Posted 04-27-2016 at 11:02 AM by STM

Xorlidyr's Avatar
STM, if you wish I might draw you again from a different perspective.

Phylum, I love you.
Posted 04-27-2016 at 11:12 AM by Xorlidyr

JayDee's Avatar
I found myself in near enough the exact same situation just under a year ago. So many threats, and the gnawing thoughts of what the person might do to themselves. Even the same diagnosis, albeit one I'd never seen confirmed.

I wish I could tell you the right thing to do in this situation however each individual is different; mine only ever harmed themself when I called them out on anything, but in the end only I was left with scars from their attacks. It's easier for some to hurt others than themselves, just like it's easier for some to help others than themselves.

I'm always here to talk if you need anything. God knows my situation grew from isolation.
Posted 04-27-2016 at 12:00 PM by JayDee

Jordan's Avatar
Posted 04-27-2016 at 01:26 PM by Jordan

Nate's Avatar
Posted 04-27-2016 at 09:02 PM by Nate

MeechMunchie's Avatar
Talk to me, if you want. I keep my private life private these days, but we're in the same boat.
Posted 04-28-2016 at 02:09 PM by MeechMunchie

STM's Avatar
It's okay MM, Vlam diagnosed the problem. I am white trash for 'picking a girl with bad mental health'. (Y)

It's okay guys you can all go home now.
Posted 04-29-2016 at 07:30 AM by STM

Vlam's Avatar
That's the proof you're just an attention whore (seeking for attention): my point.

"Poor STM".
Posted 04-29-2016 at 07:44 AM by Vlam
Updated 04-29-2016 at 07:46 AM by Vlam

OddjobAbe's Avatar
Fuck off, Vlam.
Posted 04-29-2016 at 08:10 AM by OddjobAbe

Vlam's Avatar
Yes, he talks about it in public so I'm getting bashed (I'm not surprise, he's a Coward). I don't want to argue. Just saying: "poor STM".
Posted 04-29-2016 at 08:14 AM by Vlam

Manco's Avatar
Fuck off, Vlam.
Posted 04-29-2016 at 08:28 AM by Manco

MA's Avatar
i'm sorry i have no advice to give, everything i could say has already been said. just stay strong, you can work through this buddy.
Posted 04-29-2016 at 09:26 AM by MA

OANST's Avatar
Do you want out when she's around, or just when left to your own devices? Sometimes, when I'm alone with my own thoughts, my anxieties and insecurities start to run rampant, and I start to panic and want to run, and just get away from all of the crushing responsibility, and the problems that we do legitimately have in our marriage. And then she comes home, and it all falls away, and I'm like holy fuck I love the shit out of you, and this is the best decision I've ever made. If you genuinely want to run while she's in the room, then I would start making plans. I've been there. Shannon. No matter how much I tried to convince myself that I should love her, I couldn't, and every time I was in the same room with her I just wanted to jump out of a window. That shit doesn't get better.
Posted 04-30-2016 at 03:05 PM by OANST

STM's Avatar
As as usually the case with these things, it's not really black and white. Sometimes when we're together I think maybe I could work through this, sometimes I don't want her to touch me, I don't want to say 'I love you' because I feel like it's a lie. I don't know, things just feel different now, but the longer I draw out this reuse the harder it's going to be. Unfortunately the well-being clinic is taking its sweet arse time getting back to us with a proper psychiatric consultation date. Or actually I think she had one, but its weeks away, and she's told me already the GP basically said right now she needs support and stability.
Posted 05-01-2016 at 01:58 AM by STM

OANST's Avatar
All I can say is that "maybe I can work through this" is no substitute for "holy shit I love you." You're still young as fuck. If this isn't the relationship for you, well, it's probably not the last relationship that won't be for you. I'm not judging at all. Sometimes these things just don't work out. But even when I'm furious with my wife I still want to touch her and be touched by her. Because I adore her even if there's a part of me that would like to violently shake her. It's not anyone's fault, and it's not your responsibility to love or take care of someone. If it isn't there, it isn't there.
Posted 05-01-2016 at 09:08 AM by OANST


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