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Posted 04-26-2015 at 01:24 AM by Phylum
I need help to deal with my day to day life. I'm completely crippled by anxiety at this point. I don't want to do my uni course any more. I can't talk to anyone about any of this. I want to. I can see how bad I'm letting everything get. And I just can't ask for help. I can't stop smiling and pretending that everything is ok. Sometimes I feel like I'm being crushed inside. Like I can't breathe. Like this huge weight is on top of me.

I know what the problem is. I know what to do about it. I just can't actually do anything. I feel like I'm completely boxed in except there's nothing to box me in except myself.

I'd like to think that being able to write this is a step in the right direction.
Total Comments 26


Manco's Avatar
And I just can't ask for help.
Well it sounds like you’re crying out for it in every other way.

This is not the sort of thing you can just tough out on your own and everything is just gonna turn up roses. You are suffering, badly. You need to get help.

Talk to a doctor, talk to a psychologist, talk to your parents, hell talk to a confession booth. But tell someone. You can’t fix a problem by pretending it isn’t there.
Posted 04-26-2015 at 02:06 AM by Manco

STM's Avatar
I don't think I can say anything that Manco hasn't already said succinctly, there's only so much a bunch of faceless forumers can help you, no matter how many years you've known us all.

You really need to see a therapist or someone.
Posted 04-26-2015 at 02:08 AM by STM

Phylum's Avatar
I know. I really do. I don't understand why it's so hard for me.
Posted 04-26-2015 at 04:19 AM by Phylum

MA's Avatar
i don't know how things work in Australia, but i'd say you should pick up the phone and get yourself an appointment with your GP. tell them everything that's been going on. if you feel depressed, tell them this. you should be looking for them to refer you to someone more specified, like a psychiatrist or something. just get yourself an appointment and try to last it out until you see them. i'm afraid your uni course comes second to your mental health and wellbeing so just try to relax in the mean time while you wait to see a doctor. i know it's hard to dispell anxiety and it's a bitch to have so just try to distract yourself from it. go for a walk if you can, or watch a favourite movie, or see family or friends, just something to distract you from the anxiety. even talking to friends online can help. you know you can always message me here or have a chat on Steam. i'll always listen. <3

also, talk to your family about this, but don't let them convince you that nothing is wrong if you really believe something is wrong. being guilt-tripped into believing you're just exaggerating everything is the last thing you want so stand your ground. and let me reiterate; see your doctor. the quicker you make an appointment with them the quicker you'll be able to see them and hopefully start putting an end to the way you're feeling right now. is it anxiety? stress? depression? tell them all this and lay it on thick because i know from experience some doctors won't give you the right amount of help you need if they think it isn't as bad as you say it is. tell them everything and don't hold back, remember you are looking for help and help will not come if you ignore certain aspects of your life that distress you or make out it isn't that bad. tell them it really is that bad and that you cannot go on any further without some kind of help.

pretty much what Manco said. if it really is that serious, which personally i believe it is, then act now. you'll save time in the long run. good luck my friend, lots of love. know that i'll always listen to you whenever you need it.
Posted 04-26-2015 at 05:00 AM by MA

Bullet Magnet's Avatar
If you can't bring yourself to pro-actively seek help you need (which I understand completely, I have a similar block), then find the e-mail address of someone who can, a doctor, a counsellor, friend, TA, whatever, someone you personally trust to get the ball rolling. Then send the address to one of us, with your relevant personal details. We'll write and send that e-mail on your behalf, with appropriate explanation for the proxy.
Posted 04-26-2015 at 06:50 AM by Bullet Magnet

Crashpunk's Avatar
I can't even begin to imagine what your feeling like Phylum. Manco pretty much covered everything. Go speak to a professional. It will be hard, but you need to do it.
Posted 04-26-2015 at 08:17 AM by Crashpunk

MA's Avatar
what BM said, we'd absolutely help you out in that respect. i never thought of that. good on you BM.

this proves how much we care about you, Phylum. don't for one second believe you're on your own.
Posted 04-26-2015 at 11:26 AM by MA

Bullet Magnet's Avatar
I know what it's like. It's as though your free-will in specific areas has been entirely obviated. You want to seek a solution but every act that would lead to one is inaccessible to you. The simple act of choosing to seek help is not one that you can mentally accomplish. No can you stop pretending this are fine. You want to grab someone and tell them "I'm not okay" but you can't move. You end up watching your life, body and personality play out as though on some terrible autopilot and only when there's no one around to pretend for does the irresistible compulsion to pretend go away.
Posted 04-26-2015 at 04:18 PM by Bullet Magnet

Phylum's Avatar
I pretended to go to uni today, but I really went for a long fucking walk. It was peaceful and nice. I sat down in a nature reserve and wrote out a few things on a piece of paper. It explains lots of things, including how hard it was to write and that I would need time to get used to the idea of them knowing how much I'm struggling. They've just gone outside for a cigarette, I'm going to leave it on the table and then hide in my room for a few hours. Wish me luck.
Posted 04-26-2015 at 06:17 PM by Phylum

Job McYossie's Avatar
If you can't afford professional help, a number of us are here to rant to, or at least I am offering myself.
Posted 04-26-2015 at 07:41 PM by Job McYossie

Nate's Avatar
What everyone else said.

Also, check if your university has a counselling service. My university had one that was free for students. It was scary for me to sign up there, but once I got there the people were excellent and very easy to talk to.
Posted 04-26-2015 at 09:07 PM by Nate

Phylum's Avatar
I can't tell when I'll be able to go in to uni again. The thought of it makes me feel weak at the knees. Makes me feel short of breath. Makes me feel like curling up into a ball and never coming out of my room. I can't check my uni email. I can't read the text I got a few hours ago from one of the other flautists. I physically can't do it.

I didn't show my parents the thing. Fuck. I still will. I have to tonight. I can't just not show up to uni again tomorrow without shit getting heavy. The fact that I did today will get me in shit. Fuck. If nothing else I have to go to a doctor for a note now. I've already lost marks for fucking off today.
Posted 04-27-2015 at 01:31 AM by Phylum

Phylum's Avatar
I'm actually gagging from the stress of all of this.
Posted 04-27-2015 at 01:31 AM by Phylum

Phylum's Avatar
I did it. I left the note on the table. My parents are going to see it when they come inside. Fuck my heart is about to jump through my chest.
Posted 04-27-2015 at 02:09 AM by Phylum

Slog Bait's Avatar
Breathe man breathe it'll be fine. You'll be fine. This is one step closer to fineness. Fine.
Posted 04-27-2015 at 02:18 AM by Slog Bait

MA's Avatar
please keep us informed on how you're doing. i know it's stating the obvious but we're all very worried about you. don't forget what BM said: if you need an advocate, we're here and willing.
Posted 04-27-2015 at 03:31 AM by MA

Phylum's Avatar
If it wasn't 9:30pm I would already have a GP appointment by now - mum's on the case. Still a bit iffy feeling on all of this but I know it's good deep down somewhere. Not sure about uni tomorrow. I mean, I don't think I can go but I haven't dropped that on the parents yet.
Posted 04-27-2015 at 03:51 AM by Phylum

OANST's Avatar
I'm going to start sounding like a broken record, but you need to be on anti-depressants. If you aren't willing to take that step then this is probably not going to get better.
Posted 04-27-2015 at 10:26 AM by OANST

Phylum's Avatar
Saw the doc, he put me on a serotonin pill that will make a difference in the next 4-5 weeks. I then cried and asked what I would do until then, and he got a better picture of where I'm at. So now I'm taking Alepam and the serotonin thing. Already had my first dose of both, as of 5 minutes ago.

Thanks for the support guys it really means a lot <3
Posted 04-27-2015 at 05:39 PM by Phylum

OddjobAbe's Avatar
Sorry I missed the development of this whole thing, but it's a good thing you're now on medication. I've met a lot of people that don't have a good word for it (interestingly, many of them seem to do a lot of self-medicating with drugs that aren't regulated), but even if it's palliative, it's at least providing some stability (or hopefully it will, anyway).
Posted 04-28-2015 at 12:27 AM by OddjobAbe

Phylum's Avatar
I've had no concept of time today and I've had one or two times that I haven't been able to remember things people have just told me, but I got a few things done and didn't feel terrible so it's progress. Hopefully over the next few days I'll get a bit more used to the alepam.
Posted 04-28-2015 at 01:26 AM by Phylum

MA's Avatar
do you feel better? more relaxed/relieved? i hope you do. i admit i feel a little more relieved now i think you're on the right road.

look after yourself man, we all care about you.
Posted 04-28-2015 at 09:21 AM by MA

STM's Avatar
Take care matey! I hope you pull through it all now.
Posted 04-28-2015 at 12:56 PM by STM

Phylum's Avatar
Imagine spending 6 months on a mountain top yodeling, and achieving inner peace. That's how I feel, except with pills instead of mountains.

No but seriously, I felt not-bad yesterday which is awesome. I just woke up today and I actually feel kind of enthusiastic about being awake.
Posted 04-28-2015 at 03:14 PM by Phylum

Scrabaniac's Avatar
A close friend of mine suffered severely with anxiety and depression, and couldn't go to university because she had a fear that everyone there would either dislike her, or make her feel uneasy about her anxiety issues. She's now studying criminology and psychology at an 'Open University', which means she can study it from the comfort of her own home, away from the stresses of everyone and she is generally such a happier person. You just have to find what feels right for you, and if you're feeling trapped in a box, let everything out. It sounds damn strange but i feel more comfortable ranting to people i don't know online, and reading what they have to say, as friends will just do the usual comfort talks which don't help anyway, but opinions from strangers seems to help me better as they aren't biased.

Not everywhere online is full of trolls, i'm pretty sure the Oddworld Forums has plenty of decent people to talk to, i can already see in this blog. Stay strong and tell us anything and everything you need to
Posted 04-28-2015 at 03:58 PM by Scrabaniac

MA's Avatar
that's so good to hear, Phylum. just take it a day at a time, step by step. you're on the right road now.
Posted 04-29-2015 at 04:46 AM by MA


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