The crazy neighbor lady

We've all got one.
Mine is particularly bad.

I don't actually know much about who she is, but I learned from my other more stable neighbors that she's a pathological liar, a religious extremist, and just downright nuttier than squirrel shit in general.

I can't determine her age or ethnicity. She has a very thick accent and dark skin, but it's like no accent I've ever heard. I think it's some kind of bastardized Brazilian. She dresses like a gypsy, festooned with strange jewelry and covered with a collage of shawls she probably knitted
herself. She has only a few teeth, and wears very opaque sunglasses even when indoors. Despite appearing ethnic to the point where
it's almost offensive, she's actually Christian (or follows some form of it) and very Christian at that.

I only just moved to this neighborhood last October. I didn't really know any of the people here, so naturally I didn't know that this woman was bad news.
After once showing her a bit of kindness, she won't leave us alone.

This happened a while ago.
Mum and I were about to leave the house. I don't remember the destination, but I remember that we had to be there at a certain time and that time was drawing near. We were just getting into the car when the woman walks by and strikes up a conversation with mum. I was already in the car so I didn't hear the gist of what was said, but it ended with her in the backseat and us driving her to some food bank that she assured us was "on the way".

A very surreal fifteen minutes was to follow as she prattled on from the backseat about her bizarre life in her nearly unintelligible accent. What's worse is Mum would, out of common courtesy, pretend to listen to her intently and ask follow-up questions resulting in her never shutting up.
She began to ask me strange questions like "What's your sign of the Zodiac?" and "Were you born in a hospital?". The latter of which came with "Oh, my daughters were born with midwives". "Shocking" was my rebuttal, and she failed to take the hint that I didn't want to answer any more of her dumb questions. She then went on about how she was nine-months pregnant, even though she wasn't distended and is in at least her late forties. Then about how she used to ride a motorcycle into the cultural district, and that she would never actually pay attention to roadsigns and that God would guide her to her destination (which is probably why she had her license revoked after wrecking multiple vehicles).

When she got to the food bank, which wasn't actually a food bank but a restaurant supplier that would provide foodstuffs in bulk, she stocked up on some of the strangest items including a two-gallon container of mayonnaise, and a fifty-pound bag of lentils. Also, most of the food comes in crates which then have to be fork-lifted out to your vehicle. Needless to say, mum was sitting there with a forklift lifting crates into the car regretting her decision to give this woman a lift.

This took ages, and we were now late for whatever it was we were attending. It wasn't until after she loaded enough food to feed a small country that she mentioned she only had about $20, about $500 short of the cost. I don't know what was going through her head. Did she expect us to pay for the rest? Well we didn't, and now we had to have the food taken back out of our car. The only thing she could afford was the fucking mayonnaise, which she kept.

Irritated and confused, we drive the woman back to our neighborhood. On the way she asks us to stop for ice cream, we don't, and she tries to send us on a guilt-trip for the rest of the ride. Like a little kid, I know.

Since that day she's been stopping by our house consistently to leave us strange notes and tea-bags containing some foul-smelling, bizarre blend of tea (see "tanis root", Rosemary's Baby).
She doesn't write notes on a normal sheet of paper, but will rip a piece of paper into long strips to write on in the tiniest, most illegible handwriting I have ever seen.
Now when our doorbell rings, we have to fucking stand by the window to check that it's not her. As if that wasn't bad enough, she will stand there idling for over ten minutes before leaving. Fucking creepy.
She's also a klepto. The one time we let her into our house she stole a pack of cigarettes, a box of pencils, and a bag of beans we had sitting on top of our fridge. Nothing of any actual value, but still.

We found out from the other neighbors that we're not the first to be accosted by her insanity. Based on what we know, we've deduced she's either an extremely crafty sociopath or just a total fuck-up moocher. Apparently, she's gone as far as asking some of the people in the neighborhood to pay her rent for her. She even tried to seduce this handsome, young teacher that lives in the area, which we all got a laugh out of because she is absolutely grotesque.

Last I heard she was being evicted. I certainly hope this is the case, she's a fucking pox on this entire neighborhood.

This is mostly old news, and the only reason I'm writing this blog is because tonight she did something that crossed a line.
I live on the top floor of a split-level duplex, so a main staircase has to be bypassed to get to the front door of our apartment. Tonight I left it unlocked because I was expecting a friend, who wouldn't be arriving for another half hour. Not five minutes later, I hear knocking on my front door. Not the exterior door, but the door leading into my apartment. It was locked thankfully, and as I go to unlock it, I realized that it couldn't possibly be my friend. Even if it was him, he always says "Hello" in a friendly voice that I'd recognize anywhere. I decided to wait to see if I heard anything. Not a peep. I come back to the door a few minutes later and see a note slipped under the door. It reads "Your front door was unlocked", signed by the creep herself.

TLDR: My neighbor is a crazy gypsy-witch who wants to eat my brains.

So yeah, fun times in the life of me.
Anyone else got any good crazy neighbor stories?