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Night of the Child-Eating Ninja Cat?

Posted 09-10-2010 at 01:23 AM by Splat
Updated 09-10-2010 at 01:27 AM by Splat
When I was one and sucked my thumb I ran away to se-
Sorry, wrong start.

Last night I was lying in bed, being asleep (as is often the done thing) when I woke up (as is generally the way to conclude a period of sleep). At first I thought I had been woken by a dream which I will now describe.

I was reading a comic about some girls fighting zombies (no idea where that came from) but for some reason I cannot explain, I was only able to read tiny parts of the comic at a time, and in no logical order, so I was desperately trying to work out what was going on, util my dream brain gave up and woke the rest of me up so I could work out what it was all about. Lying in bed half asleep I spent a few minutes trying to make sense of it before I realised that it was a dream and therefore didn't make sense.

So I was awake, trying to fall back to sleep, when there was this frankly bizarre sound outside my window; WAA-OOOOooooww!
It honestly sounded just like a small child, like one or two years old, wailing away to the world.
Now I live quite close to a council estate and would not be surprised to find a two-year-old child wandering the streets at what transpired to be 4:45AM.
A few moments later the sound came again, WAA-OOOOooooww!
After that it started coming every few seconds and I was really perplexed; I could imagine a child wailing in distress that way once but a child who wants attention will sob, make all sorts of sounds, call out fragments of the words it knows. I went to the window and looked out but couldn't see anything. I got back into bed and the sound came again.

I was genuinely wondering if I should call the police when the noise went slightly differently; WAA-OOOOooWEOW! Reow! *Crash, sound of wheely bin falling over* Reow meow weeeeow!!!

So, either the child was eaten by a neighbour's cat or the whole display was in fact two cats battling for dominance over my stepdad's bird table.
The noise stopped after that, though by this point I'd been expending so much thought to the issue that I had awoken sufficiently for my body to think it was time to get up and started firing all the little alarms of life to get one to take care of ones body that had been previously switched off to sleep.

I overslept five minutes and missed my bus, so I had to get the later, more expensive bus so as to avoid being late for college and missing the exam I had/am having this morning. The losers' bus, as it were.


So the question I present to all you strange and hairy people is:

Should this incident ever be repeated, how, with the minimum expenditure of time and effort, does one stop two cats fighting for dominance in one's garden when one has to get up at Stupid AM the next morning to get a bus to college and there take an exam that, while not that difficult, will be rather fiddly and therefore require the maximum possible quantity of concentration?
Posted in Life
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Total Comments 11

Comments

Phylum's Avatar
Poison all local cats and children.
Posted 09-10-2010 at 05:23 AM by Phylum

Mac Sirloin's Avatar
Shine a really, reaally bright light on them. Get a news-ish powerful flashlight and point it at exactly where the cats are. They should detect it and flee to be hoolicats somewhere else.

Otherwise Phylum's suggestion works just fine.
Posted 09-10-2010 at 06:38 AM by Mac Sirloin

MeechMunchie's Avatar
Last night I was woken up by an evil-soundinng scratching noise. It sounded like something trying to dig through the walls (HPL fans shiver). After lying in bed wondering what the hell would be trying to get into my bedroom at 12:30, I turned on my light. It turned out to be a massive spider crawling up one of my posters.
Posted 09-10-2010 at 07:23 AM by MeechMunchie

Josh's Avatar
I'll trade you Zombie Cats for the Chavs that screw and hoot like Owls near to my house. The last thing I need when I attempt to sleep is an Owl's 'Hoo' followed by 'TWIT FUCKIN' TWOO'.
Posted 09-10-2010 at 10:15 AM by Josh

Splat's Avatar
I'll make that trade if I can throw in the mysterious distant booming that echoes over the nighttime air from the direction of the estate for a few hours every few nights. It is mysterious and distant; I have no idea what it is.
Posted 09-10-2010 at 02:16 PM by Splat

Bullet Magnet's Avatar
When the mink do battle with the moorhen in my river at night it sounds like a child is being murdered. Seriously. It's fucking disturbing.
Posted 09-10-2010 at 03:00 PM by Bullet Magnet

Ridg3's Avatar
Take a leaf out of OddJobAbes book and pour boiling water on them.
Posted 09-10-2010 at 03:11 PM by Ridg3

Nate's Avatar
None of you have any idea of the horrorful sound that is a pair of possums having sex at 2:30am. How can such tiny, cute creatures make such a massive, horrific sound?



When I was a kid, I actually used to think there were monsters outside my window, because I couldn't work out what else would make such a terrible screeching, growling cry.
Posted 09-10-2010 at 08:00 PM by Nate

Splat's Avatar
So you learnt about the birds and the bees from possums?
Posted 09-11-2010 at 08:53 AM by Splat

abe619's Avatar
beats me...
Posted 09-12-2010 at 12:58 PM by abe619

MeechMunchie's Avatar
When you think about it, bees are actually a really bad representation of sexual reproduction.
Posted 09-15-2010 at 12:33 PM by MeechMunchie

 

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