Two In a Row! The Nerve!

I had met up with this guy I went to grade school with at the Baptist school, and he was just starting up a web show. He asked me to write funny skits about church youth groups for it, and I thought it sounded like fun, so I did. Ultimately, he didn't really like it. He wanted it to have a message, or some such shit, and I couldn't really get him to be more specific, so I stopped trying. Anyway, I'll let you guys read what I wrote.


Youth Group Trip

A small group of six teenagers, an assortment of boys and girls, sit in a room chatting idly. After a few seconds, a man wearing a track suit enters, holding a stack of papers. He walks to the front of the room where there is a podium, and addresses the group.

Pastor Ricky: Okay, calm down everyone. Calm down. We have some things we have to go over before we get started. Now, for those of you who don’t know, my name is Pastor Ricky, and I’ll be…..

One of the kids raises their hand.

Steven: Pastor Ricky?

Pastor Ricky: Yes, Steven.

Steven: Which one of us do you think wouldn’t know your name?

Pastor Ricky: What?

Steven: Which one of us wouldn’t know your name? We see you almost every day.

Pastor Ricky: I didn’t know if there was anyone new in the group, Steven. Now, if you don’t mind, I’d like to continue.

Steven: Okay, Pastor Ricky.

Pastor Ricky: As I was saying, I have some forms I need to pass out for our trip to Calvary, Wisconsin, where, you might remember, we are going to visit the largest recreation of our savior’s cross in the nation. (he raises his head and arms towards the ceiling, speaking as if in awe) It stands one hundred feet in the air, it’s arms stretching out a full half of it’s towering height, as if God himself had thrust it firmly into the soil, his muscles rippling from the effort…

Steven raises his hand.

Steven: Pastor Ricky?

Pastor Ricky: (exasperated) Yes, Steven?!

Steven: How come you couldn’t tell there was no one new in the group?

Pastor Ricky: What, Steven?

Steven: There’s only six of us. There’s always only six of us. It’s been the same six of us for three years. I don’t think anyone new will ever come here. If someone new did come here, I think it might be the most interesting thing that’s ever happened here.

Pastor Ricky: Go stand in the corner, Steven.

Steven: I’m seventeen years old, Pastor Ricky.

Pastor Ricky: In the corner. Now.

Steven: Yes sir, Pastor Ricky.

Steven takes his chair to the corner of the room, and sits facing the wall.

Pastor Ricky: If we can avoid any more interruptions, I’d like to have Kevin come up here, and pass out these papers.

Kevin, a younger boy, comes to the front to take the papers from Pastor Ricky. He holds his head low, avoiding eye contact. He takes the papers, and tries to walk away, but Pastor Randy grabs his shoulders and holds him in place.

Pastor Ricky: How you feelin’ today, buddy? How’re those shoulders holding up? (smiling up at the rest of the group as he begins rubbing Kevin’s shoulders) Kevin and I went bowling last night as his reward for memorizing the most bible verses, and boy howdy was he working up a sweat. Tell ‘em Kevin! Tell ‘em how great a night on the town with Pastor Ricky is!

Kevin: (looking at the ground) It was…..really fun.

Pastor Ricky: See gang? Not only will you have the word of our lord seared into your brain, but you’ll have my undivided attention for an entire evening. Next time we could even have a sleepover. How does that sound Kevin?

Kevin: I…..I….. don’t remember.

Pastor Ricky: Ha, that’s my Kevin. Always the jokester. You go ahead and pass those out, buddy.

Kevin passes out the papers. Attached to each sheet is a sealed envelope.

Steven: What’s in the envelope, Pastor Ricky?

Pastor Ricky: There is no sound in the corner, Steven.

Steven: What?

Pastor Ricky: There is no sound in the corner, Steven.

Steven: What?!

Pastor Ricky: There is no sound in the corner!

Steven: I can’t hear you, Pastor Ricky. I think there’s no sound in the corner. Isn’t that weird? To have a spatial anomaly like that right here in our church?

Pastor Ricky: Be quiet, Steven!

Steven: Nope. Still no sound in the corner. Weirdest thing.

A girl raises her hand.

Pastor Ricky: Yes, Jennifer.

Jennifer: Ummm… My envelope is….strange.

Pastor Ricky: Those were given to me by the deacons to give to you all for the trip. I don’t even know what’s in them.

Jennifer: Well….it’s really weird.

Pastor Ricky: What does it say?

Jennifer: Ummmm….. There’s a whole page on what to do if a..uh..person in authority tries to…..well….if they….

Pastor Ricky: If they what?

Jennifer: If they try to touch my penis.

Kevin’s head pops up, his eyes wide open.

Pastor Ricky: Let me see that.

Pastor Ricky tears it out of her hand and starts reading.

Jennifer: Is it possible I got the wrong one?

Pastor Ricky shushes her, as everyone else in the room starts saying that theirs all say the same thing.

Steven: Anyone read the second page yet? It seems to detail what to do if Pastor Ricky knocks on your hotel room’s door after lights out.
Pastor Ricky: Okay. Calm down, everyone. This is all very good advice, actually. We’re going to a strange place, in a strange town, and you can never tell who may want to…..touch your penis.

Steven: You can see where they crossed out Pastor Ricky, and wrote in “person in authority”.

Jennifer: Shouldn’t there be instructions on what to do if a person in authority tried to touch my vagina? Or at least make it say penis, or vagina?

Pastor Ricky: (angrily) Oh, come on, Jennifer! Get real! Do you think the men of this church have the time to type up instructions for something that there is no chance of happening? Huh? Touching your vagina? Like I would ever touch your vagina! If I was going to touch a vagina, it wouldn’t be your vagina! If you had a penis, there would still be no danger of me touching it, as it would be attached to you, and would probably be really small, and smell funny, and not be anywhere near as good as Kevin’s!

Everyone sits quietly with a shocked look on their face until Steven raises his hand.

Pastor Ricky: (softly) Yes, Steven.

Steven: Pastor Ricky, are you a pedophile?

Pastor Ricky: There’s no sound in the corner, Steven.

Jennifer: I just remembered that I can’t go.

Everyone starts nodding in agreement, saying that they can’t go on the trip.

Pastor Ricky: It’s mandatory.

Everyone lowers their heads.