The Manwich is a vital part of male culture, representing manliness in its truest form. During my recent perusal of Oddworld forums, I have discovered that there was some terrible misinformation as to the nature and properties of the Manwich, including the falicious and downright dangerous belief that
this is an accurate representation of the Manwich.
I have therefore taken upon myself the task of correcting certain mistaken points of view and demonstrating to the men of OWF the true nature of the Manwich.
First and foremost, a Manwich must be something you would actually want to eat, so the previously pictured cannedwich can be discounted from all further discussion.
The key components of the Manwich are:
Something at least 20% fat or grease (such as fried meat or cheese).
Some sauce invented before disco (so ranch dressing does not count thank you very much. In fact, anything with the word 'dressing' in it should be avoided at all cost).
Something that no one else at the table is eating.
Protein is generally advisable in large amounts.
Following are a few recipes for notable Manwiches.
The Fried Manwich
The original caveman Manwich
1) Find a pack of sausages in your fridge.
2) Fry four to five of them (to avoid potential embarrasment, follow the cooking instructions on the packaging if you are able to do so without people noticing).
3) Place between two slices of buttered white bread (don't be tempted to acccept less than the best: down with brown! (BREAD! Not presidents. Oh gosh, the CIA are gonna kill me).
4) Add tomato ketchup/brown sauce/mayonnaise or an alternative to your taste. Remember the sauce is a vital part of the Manwich.
Variations:
For an Extreme Fried Manwich, add a fried egg or three between steps 3 and 4.
If you are Jewish, sausages can be substituted with bacon.
(...fine, steak).
In fact, just
add bacon
and steak. Especially if you're Jewish.
The 'Healthy' Manwich
Good for impressing girls
1) Locate processed ham, real grated cheese (none of that plastic cheese, that stuff's recycled), lettuce, tomato and cucumber.
2) Place on a buttered burger bun in the order listed above.
3) Add mayonnaise or similar (don't be tempted by salad dressing, however. Again with the unmanly 'D' word.)
5) Add the upper part of the burger bun and, using the palm of your hand, squash the reuslt (partly to show manliness and also because if you've done this right, you won't be able to fit it in otherwise. Basically if its not attracting small objects into its gravitational field, you need to add more layers. This ensures an adequate level of manliness despite the presence of so much plantlife).
Variations:
One of those long, crusty rolls can be used instead of a bun. Basically the longer the better without getting silly. If using this variant, ensure you avoid phallic analogies, which can totally ruin the reputation of any Manwich.
The Dessert Manwich
1) Butter two crumpets, or a bagel, or an English muffin (DO NOT confuse this with an American muffin, which is something totally different. Dury Lane is in York, not New York.)
2) Add a large lump (not a dollop and definately not a scoop) of Ben & Jerry's Ice-Cream™.
3) Add some many chocolate such as Yorkie Bar™, Mars Bar™ or Creme Eggs™.
4) Avoid the following at all costs:
- Sprinkles
- Chocolate Sprinkles
- Whipped cream
- Fresh strawberries
These will detract from the manliness of the Manwich.
5) Add any of the following to taste:
- Peanut Butter
- Nutella™
- Some sort of purple jam or preserve
- Mayonnaise
- Etc.
Variations:
Experiment with your ice-cream flavours and toppings.
The Indiana Manwich
Manliness personified.
1) Locate a fridge (preferably your own, to avoid legal action).
2) Open the fridge.
3) Raid the fridge for basically anything that can be placed between two slices of bread, including:
- Leftover roast meat
- Leftover Chinese takeaway
- Leftover Indian takeaway
- Any form of meat product
- Lettuce
- Liberal quantities of cheese
- Etc.
4) Locate bread or bread-like products such as bagels, naan bread, pita bread or cowhide.
5) Check all of your spoils for the growth of blue or green lifeforms, which can be a problem in a man-fridge. Any incredients with the aforementioned growths should be carefully trimmed to remove such inconveniences.
6) Using your prizes, construct a Manwich so mighty that women will be unable to come within a metre radius of it, and mermaids will be powerless against it (it is ALWAYS advisable to carry protection against mermaids).
7) Add mayonnaise.
8) Oh ho ho ho yes!
Variations:
Anything and everything.
With mayonnaise.
It is my sincere hope that all readers of this article will be henseforth protected from the dangers of a lack of knowledge concerning the Manwich and will no longer attempt to seek solace in the disgraceful cannedwich.
I'm Splat.
Goodnight.
This message brought to you by Heinz Mayonnaise™
