I never thought I'd do one of these.

Hey.

As some of you may know my life ain't peaches at the moment, it's almost five months to the day that my ex dumped me and I'm still no more over the event or her than I was when I made my blog entry then. As much as I try maintain the facade of easy come easy go happy happy joy joy it's just not working for me, I can feel myself getting more confused everyday, more neurotic everyday and more depressed everyday.

And I hate it. It disgusts me, it makes me feel vile, my increased reliance on people since then makes me feel like some kind of detestable emotional leech and contrary to common sense being back home hasn't helped one bit, it's probably only made it worse. My family have always been a little crazy, my mum's a classic example of the single batshit mother who's been taking anti-depressives for as long as I can remember and my brother has been a nervous wreck since before I finished my GCSEs. I've always been the one that always smiles, that always hugs my mother when she gets down after having the umpteenth argument with my brother and who acts as the only real and physical best friend for his older brother, but lately I can feel it taking its toll on me. And I hate myself for thinking like that.

About half an hour I was downstairs after finishing on the PC and the 360 for the night and I was opening a carton of juice with a knife and I zoned in ten seconds later to find myself still staring at the knife. I couldn't remember what I was still doing with it out, which scares me. I couldn't remember what I was thinking, which scares me more and what scares me the most is I can't stop thinking about that damn knife. I sank to the floor and burst out crying, didn't recover for at least another twenty minutes too.

I feel alone and I feel scared, all my friends are hundreds of miles away and I wouldn't want to burden them with me if I could (I'm sorry to the people reading this who I count amongst my true friends). My life has become some sort of exhausting push where all the joy I gain through playing WoW, posting on these forums, talking to friends has become fleeting and superficial. I couldn't get a job over the summer, I have no motivation to work voluntarily, I feel like I don't know many of my closest friends anymore and I just feel so bored, sick and lethargic anymore. I don't want to wake up between lunch and dinner everyday because I couldn't be motivated to sleep at night and I don't want to not know myself anymore.

I'm writing this because if I disappear for a while you'll all know that it's just because I've finally burnt myself out, last time that happened I was bedridden for four months, I am going on holiday to Majorca in a few weeks with my mum and stepdad, I hope that'll help cheer me up or put some much needed hip in my hop or whatever the kids say nowdays. I'm going to say I'll leave for a while, because I probably won't; in some weird and maybe scary way I need this forum, at the moment it's one of the more stable things in my life, but if I do go then I'll probably be lurking and be back in due time.

Thank you Leto, Anonyman, Molluck's Assistant, Oddjobabe, Strike Witch and others for making browsing this forum a real pleasure, thank you Kastere and OANST for making me laugh a lot when I talk to you guys on Xbox Live and thank you Nathan, Nathan, Zac, Peter, Wil, Justin, Olly and Nikki for brightening up my day (or night) whenever I get to talk to you.

I feel a bit better now and, rather melodramatically, I've stopped crying. So I should probably go to bed.

Night.