(IF YOU ARE EATING DON'T READ THIS JUST FINISH YOUR MEAL, HUG A LOVED ONE AND
THEN READ IT)
(In hindsight I poorobably shouldn't read health blogs after drinking)
Don't sit down.
Most, if not all of you are probably sitting down right now. You're getting your buns nice and comfy, grinding them against the fabric of your chair preparing to interpret whatever the hell message I've packed into this blog. Worry not, because it's a pretty clear message and I'll be repeating it momentarily.
DON'T SIT DOWN.
I won't give you the biology, the studies, the research all of which you can find
here in its full form or
Perhaps here if you want a more concise version. I'll just give you the bare-butt facts.
Firstlies: Sitting down in a chair fucks up your body. You have this valve. It's kind of a muscle, kind of a part of your colon, and kind of almost entirely unexercised due to prolonged periods of shitting. I mean sitting. I mean both.
We weren't meant to sit. Sorry. lazybones! We were meant to stand, and pose, and flex and perhaps most importantly, humans were built to squat. That's right. I'm going to be telling you to squat while you poop. Gods help me.
Secondly, your body is built to...evacuate in a surprisingly efficient way, all by itself. Have you ever noticed how quickly animals dookie? How rapid their ca-ca piles up under them? Compared to humans, who build entire nests just to house a private cave to poop in, animals shit like a lightning strike. WHA-BAM! Dog crap, right there, all over your rug. It's almost like some Harry Pooter magic.
Back to your colon: when you squat it straightens that waste sausage out butt good, allowing you to clear your bowels in literally a lot faster than you have ever cleared them before. There are two very important parts of your waste management physiology that are completely useless when you Sit Down as opposed to Squatting; a muscle called the
puborectalis muscle which allows you to 'evacuate' more quickly and efficiently and the
ileocecal valve which prevents your poop from going backwards and basically
leaking itself back up to where it doesn't belong). You have spent the majority of your poops making it as difficult as possible to poop to the point where some of it goes back up into your body. Allow me to repeat what you should have just said: Euuuuugh.
Luckily, there's hope:
If there is a God (spoiler alert he's me wearing a Nixon sex mask) then this is what he had planned for you. I beg you, not as your brother, but as a stranger from the internet talking about shitting, to try this. Eat a gigantic bucket of eggs, meat, cheese, bread and toffee. Let it gestate, and when your ultimate fecal destiny finally comes knocking, please stoop, or squat, and try and tell me I didn't change your life (or helped you poop the way humans evolved to.)
Altern-(less dramatically)-ively, just...squat the next time you need to poop. Seriously. It's so amazingly easy. I mean, actually easy. I used to be a marathon pooper. I'd take books and games and pets along with me that never found their way out of that bathroom, until now that is. Butt wait, that isn't good enough? Well, how about these helpful bullet points?
Squatting:
-Reduces your risk of getting colon cancer.
-Eliminates toilet-related hemmroids.
-
Helps you practice aiming for FPS championships
-Might put you at risk of crapping on the toilet seat if you're fat and/or stupid
-Keeps the toilet spiders, rats and crocodiles a good distance away from your junk.
-Shows you're a stylish and progressive person to people who don't knock.
So, squat. Try it. It works...uh, wonturds
Okay a man just came into my house and struck me while yelling 'NO MORE PUNS SIMON' so I think you get it.
On a hilariously unrelated note:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Operation_Backfire_(WWII)
